It’s been a long time. A lot has happened. I started having pain in Jan-Feb this year and found out I’ve got arthritis on the level of an 80-90 year old and I need my knees replaced within this year. Of course I can’t get that because I’m on state care. It’s rapidly degenerating and I face being in a wheelchair unable to do anything for myself. The nerve damage has gotten worse and I can’t feel anything but PAIN in my hands and feet and it makes it hard to wipe my ass just because it’s so painful to hold on to the toilet […]
I’ve been pretty close to killing myself more than a few times lately. I set a hard date of Nov 1st, but what usually happens is I get too emotionally and physically exhausted to carry anything out. (I have fibromyalgia, am always in pain, and with the misery I can feel emotionally, really am not able to do shit.) Then when the super moon happened, I felt energized by it and wanted to die under the intense energy of the powerful moon and for real could not find a rope rated strong enough to hold my fat ass to hang myself.
I have everything in the […]
You’re my one person to talk to and now I can’t send you email.
It’s all shaping up to where I might have a shot. At first I was thinking of holding off another week so I can get rent paid and out of the way in case I fail and end up in hospital. But I may be alone for the next few nights, giving me the chance to go and off myself with any contact coming too late. But I feel so alone. I obviously don’t matter. And endless stream of pity party woe is me no one wants me shit on his facebook when he’s had all the love and loyalty he claims to want so […]
I’m writing my suicide letter, little by little. It’s not really a letter, but a bulleted list of all the things that are ultimately ending it for me.
I really like the date I’ve picked as a day to end it. I’m sick of being treated like shit. More specifically, it’s like my feelings don’t matter or I’m expected to not have feelings at all. I can’t get a job, and I’m too ugly for this world. Doesn’t even deserve my explanation. Anyway, I’ve hesitated for so long because I need 100% certainty and being obese, I know that we’re nearly immortal and the only thing that can really kill a big fat 360 lb sack of shit like me is a gunshot to the head or decapitation, of which I’m too poor […]
I should just get it over with. For so long I’ve hesitated because it has to be a complete success, and I’ve always read so much about it being next to impossible for a fat person to kill themselves… including a 240 lb man surviving jumping in front of a train because of the extra padding that saved him, so my worthless, fat 360 lb waste of life has no chance. I’m also pretty much immortal, perfect blood pressure, perfect blood sugar, perfect cholesterol levels, the whole 9 yards – it’s perfect. Also never rich enough to afford a gun, can’t get either a gun or a […]
Does anyone obese ever succeed in killing themselves??? There’s no information what so ever on this!
Spent my last $20 of the next to the last paycheck I’ll ever see in my life on food for him and then he got super pissed off at me because we got caught in the rain and got drenched, then I got on the bus while he was in the middle of playing his game but my back was killing me and there were homeless people camped out at the bus stop and wouldn’t let me sit down and I have a disability with my back and I can’t just stand all day because everyone else has a reason why they deserve the seat […]
I really give up. I’ve tried so hard. The last few days have been absolute shit and everything has gotten worse. My hours were cut yet again in my first job back to 10 hours a week. The same day both bosses bitched me out over every fucking thing some of which is them not knowing enough about something they should. First thing was a service we use for scheduling posts to multiple client’s accounts. Well when you add an account, the new account becomes the default to post to. So he bitches me out for posts for one client being scheduled on the new […]
And stressed. Time is running out, we don’t have a real plan, and my hours have been cut back down to 10 so I don’t have money to eat anything let alone save a penny. I had been trying to sell a collection of things I have that by any normal means, anyone else could sell for at least $1000 total out of everything. But because it’s *me* and the entire community believes horrible lies about me, plenty of people have piped up to “warn” people of me and the (false) accusations against me to keep people from buying so that I have no fucking […]
A stupid meme has had my brain spinning the past couple of days over something that can’t possibly ever happen. It’s a dumb thing about choosing between $20 million or going back in time 25 years and doing it all over again. I’d actually pick doing it all over and haven’t been able to stop my brain from thinking through every detail, even the painful fact that I’d have never had any of my cats and most likely my kid wouldn’t have come to exist because if I could be 14/15 again and do it all over, I’d lose the fucking weight and stay living […]
I feel like it’s a complete waste of time to even apply for jobs and feel even more anxiety, dread and disgust that I got a few calls. The way things are, I won’t be here more than a month because the love of my life only has until Oct 1st to find a place to live and he would run off to a real shit hole of a city that’s one giant ghetto and I’d be left to run off to kill myself. I got him to consider a city I once lived in because the laws work for both of us there but […]
First, a random thought hit me late last night. Just, in my mind, I made peace with N.S. N.S. was a bully I went to school with. I remember him most when our class took a 4 day trip and he would say nasty things to me to embarrass me about being fat, ugly, or looking like a boy at every fucking opportunity in front of any stranger who could hear the insulting comments. I later learned that he died when we were 22. This would be around 2001-2002. Even later than that, I had seen a bunch of memorials and tributes to him online […]
ONLY the perfect thin pretty girls matter. Being a transguy that likes masculine men is fucking pointless. THIS is why I’m gonna kill myself. I don’t fucking matter, never did, and never will. Every guy on earth expects to get a thin, pretty, popular hot girl to fall all over them so everyone else doesn’t fucking count for shit!!!
I figured a way out. I can’t even articulate everything right now. I can’t even share a meme on facebook without him going off on his bullshit that he’s the only person no one wants, only he can’t get a date, only he gets rejected at every turn, only he feels the pain! So you know what!? I’m not on this earth to be shit on! I’m sick of being told that I don’t have feelings, that I don’t feel pain, and I’m an absolute nobody that doesn’t count! And he doesn’t get it at all!! He thinks I’m fine because “I’m stronger than I […]
And now my phone is broke! The place where you plug it in doesn’t work so it can’t be charged. No phone means no chance at a new job or a new place! I’ll NEVER have $200 to throw down on a new phone being overcharged as I am where I’m staying now!!
Tired of going over this. I’ve been paying $640 a month on an $1125 rent which split 3 ways (as there are 3 adults living here) would be $375 per person and all utilities are included in rent. Why the fuck should I be paying more than half when I only work part time and struggle and honestly can’t pay my taxes or student loans because of one person’s selfish fucking greed in not wanting to pay their part of only $375 per month???! It adds up to $265 per month I’ve overpaid and $2385 overpayment since I’ve been staying here. I STARVE and go without […]
I wish I wasn’t so afraid of pain, because I’m not the least bit afraid of death. I can’t even bring myself to explain what has happened and been said. I don’t want to go over it. I am worthless and unworthy and undeserving of love and it’s not possible for anyone to ever want to be with me. I wish I had the guts to stick one of my big needles in my neck to bleed out. They’re not that huge but they are the size they’d typically use on an adult to draw blood from the jugular. But I’m a ***** and I […]
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