ebullientballoon

That’s my central question right now. I had a wild couple of weeks. Being wooed and then immediately lied to, devalued. Is it my body? Is it something about my awkwardness? That I’m given to being silly, or maybe that I’m not professionally -there- yet. It can’t be that I have any paucity of emotional intelligence, when this ex clearly was lacking.

I just wish I knew what it was. How I could fix it. Or someone to love me despite it, if not because of it. Who’s willing to grow with me. We’re all just doing our best. I’m trying to build a future; shit […]

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted. I’ve mostly been in my childhood home, stuck. Stuck in the place where a million bad things happened.  Where I learned not to trust the people I still live with.  That I am nothing.  Assaulted and beaten, I’m unworthy of love and will never find safety.  I can feel how much being here makes me emotionally repressed.  I cannot leave because earn money.  I am disabled and can’t take care of myself.  I can’t go anywhere else, stay with others because I’m a shit person others eventually hate.  I don’t want to die, I just don’t want […]

Guilt is part of why I feel I deserve to die; it’s also why I’m alive.  I was going to end it all around Christmas of 18’, but here I am at the beginning of 2020.  I kept running through my head the consequences, the people who’d find me, or clean up after me, identifying me, burying me.  I’ve never wanted to traumatize anyone with my death, I just wanted to disappear.  And so my guilt for how my death by methods accessible to me now would affect others- it kept me alive.  here I am at the beginning of 2020.  The inevitability of suicide […]

I have what I’ve wanted most for a long time. And yet tonight, among other nights, I feel as if i’ll Never be really happy. It’s a defeating feeling. I’m scared to die, little frightened rabbit that I am. To just turn off the noise, wow. It’s terrifying. Beautiful and simple and – oh, to be or not to be? All that. What dreams may come. All that.
I’m trying to be more, to do more, to feel worth in myself. I’m at a loss. I feel broken down and hollow, I can barely recognize myself inside. It seems The biggest thing that’s followed me […]

what to even say.  i’m waiting on medical equipment that helps me sleep, this is the longest i’ve gone without it in 11 years.  everything is just worse.  i feel awful. physically uncomfortable, emotionally stagnant and lonely.  unlovable and monstrous.  anxious and depressed. paranoid and volatile. my brain keeps trying to sabotage the good things that are happening in my life, namely my days with my girlfriend, and my upcoming trip to see her.  she loves me, and does her best to make me feel loved, but my brain has been trying to convince me that she doesn’t like me really- and i feel so […]

my sister emailed me today, the first time we’ve talked in almost a year. we didn’t talk for over a year when, last christmas, she came up to me where i was hiding in my room upstairs away from everyone. i told her i didn’t want anything to do with my abusive brother and that i wasn’t going to have anything to do with anyone who didn’t respect that.

in short, she didn’t, and i have just grown used to not talking to any of my four siblings.

so my sister emailed me today, and i am going to just ignore it. i brought it up to […]

Hey, hey look its me.  I’m still here.  Wow.  Where to begin?

I was going to kill myself in december.  but the more i read about the method i had chosen, i decided i couldnt do it.  that manner, the only feasible manner i could and can currently find, is alas, unconscionable.  But so is my existence.

I wonder if i could crowd source those i have alienated over the course of my life for the money to buy some better means of suicide? Because that’s what I’ve been up to.  Alienating everyone.  Getting sexually assaulted by one of my girlfriends, twice, breaking up with both of […]

knowing i’m living out my last days is surreal. i can’t tell anyone about it so let me tell you.  i drop little hints because i can’t help it, maybe part of me wants to be saved.  but at the very least i find it hard to lie about having future plans, new years resolutions, any sort of interest in an existence beyond a handful of days; these days im taking to say goodbye without people knowing i’m saying goodbye and to compile my last work.  sure, i’m afraid. part of me is nagging, worried this might not be the right decision, to […]

I’m having such a hard time taking care of myself.  I eat but, mostly only once a day.  I eat because food is a weapon i use against myself.  My diet is limited and costs more money than i should be spending.  I only shave or brush my teeth, or shower, or sometimes even use the bathroom when i desperately need to.

Sorry to have buried the lede, but, I think I’m finally giving up.  I’m trying to assemble a few last moving parts but.  I don’t think waiting out the winter is for me.

Why am i swiping on bumble..if someone comes over the first thing […]

Today was nothing, and I am no one.

Last night I had my friend do a second tarot card reading on me.  The first said that eventually I would find happiness, satisfaction.  a life worth living.  Being so far away from that, I asked her and the cards, hey, how am I gonna get out of this rut?  A rut I’ve just been in for so goddamn long.  Her answers were well meant and spoke to some part of me.  Desperation.  I think the logical part of me knows that death is the only answer.

But today I am nothing and no one.  Adrift.

for better or worse this site is my personal journal.  tonight, at least in this moment, i am exultant.  i mean earlier i restricted until i was shakey then binge ate. but very soon after a friend came over and…there’s nothing better in my mind than giving pleasure to another woman.  it’s just the best.  connecting with a brilliant beautiful someone and making her make, those noises.  my third cigarette is almost done. time to drink some water, pause the music, and lay down next to her.

in the morning, when she leaves, it’ll all come back.  the bullshit, the dilapidation and ennui. but tonight, jubilation, […]

sometimes things don’t feel real.  like a movie.  Am I a human or am I a sloth?

I suppose i prefer this, numb and humdrum to the chaos.  I’m sure i’ll switch back soon.  My girlfriend was here and she’s lovely.  I love her and I worry about her.  I worry about the hurt I’ll cause her.

my movie is in its third act.  As time goes by I try to gather my courage.  I wait for the right time.

I’m going to be getting some money, an inheritance type thing.  Not like an exorbitant amount mind you.  But once I do, I can give it to my […]

This time of year, lots of people are reflecting on what they’ve done the past year.  They are thinking of their goals, how they mean to change, and they tell me these things.  They are my friends, I love them.  In this however, I cannot relate to them.  The ambivalence and hopelessness I feel has created a numbness to hope or long term desire.  I just keep wondering, when is it going to happen?  How will it happen?   Will I have the courage to finally die?

I have therapy soon.  I don’t know why I even bother anymore.  Lately I’ve been leaving there more stressed […]

I’m useless, I’ve been spoiled by material comfort.

I’m hopeless, I have been ruined by trauma.

Being raped, beaten, humiliated, kept in the closet for years of fear.  Tortured in every moment by my own thoughts; my brain is against me.  I’m tired of living in it.

I feel so fucking empty.  I wish i could be bothered to move. to do laundry. to shower. to clean.  im just lying on my air mattress feeling this fucking pit in my chest.  like a black hole sucking everything into it.  I would cut, but I cant get myself to go to cvs to get razors.  I would drink, but I cant get myself to the store to buy booze.  I would buy drugs, but I don’t feel like talking to my guy.  I’m just going to go to bed.
I really do wish I could die in my sleep, but not know I […]

i promised my partner to keep trying to make a better life for myself.  i have been planning to go to residential treatment to work on my eating disorder.  but i just feel like giving up.  i’m staying afloat for another couple months, then who knows.  i don’t want to upset people by dying, but my life is going nowhere.  it feels like my whole life has been leading up to my death.  it’s not that i really want to die, i just am not good at life.  i never have been. i don’t know if i just came out broken, i’d my childhood broke […]