Author

Elliot97

BPD and struggling.

by Elliot97 3/17/2017

written by Elliot97

Recently I’ve been struggling alot and went to a psychiatrist.

He stated I show signs of ADHD, BPD, BiPolar and depression. Yeah that’s great he has narrowed it down…

He diagnosed me with BPD in the end, and I’m to undergo DBT. I’ve had CBT in the past and it did nothing to me. I don’t know what else i’m to do, really.
I’ve read alot here that people call BPD an asshole disorder and such… Yet I still go at my life trying to understand people and such yet 80% of the time, it’s not logical or even understandable. I’ve been becoming more and more out […]

3/17/2017 7 comments

The police…

by Elliot97 2/25/2017

written by Elliot97

tl;dr left my flat with nothing but my backpack with my rope. Shortly after I was stopped by the police and asked If I was Elliot, declined and moved on another 300m where I was stopped and searched, they found my rope and I just ran, i must of got a good 500m until a 4th car stopped me.

After being handcuffed so tightly, I asked the police officer “it’s not fair that you can just stop me making my own life choices”

You know what he responded?
“No one would if you died anyway, you’re wasting my time… We don’t get a choice”

Now for a complete […]

2/25/2017 13 comments

Another go

by Elliot97 2/23/2017

written by Elliot97

After rebuilding my life to a point of “ok”, I met someone.

2 years we’ve been together now and I just give give give and she sucks the happiness from me.
2 years it took her for to tell me everything was a lie.

5ft 9″ drop length, 10000N force, 16mm triple braided rope.

Thank you for being a place to vent in times of need; hope you all find what you’re looking for.

Bye.

2/23/2017 3 comments

5AM BPD/Love/Sob

by Elliot97 2/20/2017

written by Elliot97

Do I get up and disappear while she lays beside me, sleeping beautifully? Even if she did no wrong I can’t force myself to believe she hasn’t, If I disappear maybe she’ll find someone better and worthy. I was always told anything said or thought after 2AM should be ignored but it seems to be my wisest moments. I don’t know how or why I think this way, I wish I didn’t. I wish I was ‘normal’… I used to say consistency is key in my previous relationships but it seems the only thing consistent in my life is sadness, suicidal thoughts and total destruction […]

2/20/2017 3 comments

Opinions Wanted

by Elliot97 2/4/2017

written by Elliot97

I was going to take my own life today as my previous posts had stated. I booked my train ticket to the local forestry area so I could hang myself at 11pm. I had chosen today as my girlfriend went home to see her mum as her Granddad had passed away the day before.

I told her to go see him before he passed and she said she couldn’t face the idea of seeing him die, so I just held her and comfort her for the entire week. After she found out about my plans because I couldn’t just leave without saying goodbye she rushed home. […]

2/4/2017 4 comments

When your family want you sectioned

by Elliot97 1/31/2017

written by Elliot97

I had already planned my suicide for the upcoming weeks. I attempted to let my family aware of this so there’s less grief to have when the times comes. My girlfriend has not only been keeping secrets and lying from but so have my parents. She got angry and told me that they want to section me.

I think this only solidifies my urge to leave sooner. People will never love you and will always find better, believe me… Try being told by your girlfriend who you’ve given everything to that she finds other people more attractive and gives them the attention you give to […]

1/31/2017 0 comment

Finally going through with it

by Elliot97 1/29/2017

written by Elliot97

After suffering from depression from the age of 10 and 3 failed suicide attempts, at the age if 20 I’m finally in the process of preparing for a thorough successful suicide.

My previous attempt at hanging myself failed miserably with the rope snapping due to it being too thin.

After weeks of planning I’ve found the rope I’ll need, the drop height i’ll need but I’m still yet to find a location. While I would love to do it in the comfort of my own home I would feel selfish to bave my girlfriend find me hanging one day. I feel the best place may […]

1/29/2017 3 comments

Best dream yet.

by Elliot97 12/30/2016

written by Elliot97

Finally, after weeks of trying I managed to grasp more than 2 hours of sleep! It’s the first night I haven’t woke up shaking, panicing or even sweating uncontrollably. To any other person dreaming about being dead would be a nightmare, to me… A good dream. I felt at peace with myself and my emotions, i felt calm. For once i didn’t sleep in fear of being lied to or cheated on. I guess if you’re dead you’re just an old entity that sits and watches as life goes by.

12/30/2016 0 comment

Once again, a broken heart.

by Elliot97 12/29/2016

written by Elliot97

It seems every attempt at love is just another masked use of my time and remaining emotion. First time my heart was broken I failed my ALevels, UUUU in all my subjects and now 3 years down the line, living with whom I thought was the one does the same. I don’t want to live like this anymore, even in a relationship you become lonely. I actually hate myself for thinking people have the ability to change or be different, sort of explains why I can’t change to being happy. Only took for 2 years to admit dishonestly and unloyalty, 2 years. I’ve reached the […]

12/29/2016 0 comment

Lifes loop

by Elliot97 12/28/2016

written by Elliot97

Does anyone else feel they spend the majority of their time fighting their own emotions to please another for the greater good? Where you place all your emotions on hold just to provide any remote sense of joy in another because you’re not capable of such an emotion. Utilising anothers person to sense joy from a smile or their hug or just their presence, the closest one will be to being “happy”. Everyday I wake up I wish I didn’t. What is happiness? How do you know what it looks or feels like? Are only certain people worthy of such an emotion? Eventually you reach […]

12/28/2016 4 comments

When is enough, enough?

by Elliot97 11/3/2016

written by Elliot97

At the age of 17 I was diagnosed with clinical depression, split up with my girlfriend, stopped eating for 1 week, stopped drinking water, lost 3 stone in just 2 weeks. Fluoxetine 60mg a week makes you feel empty, emotionless… No happiness, no sadness; just a zombie. You question your purpose more than ever in that state, “Why am I here…” “Why am I alive” “I’m useless” “No one cares”. I attempted suicide 3 weeks later, sometimes even the saddest people don’t have the strength to go through with it all the way. I was later admitted to see a psychiatrist weekly under the suspicion […]

11/3/2016 2 comments