My last post was February, 2014. And it was hopeful. And I have a lot to update since then but in the meantime I want it to be said that life does not get better, and it is impossible to escape. I’m back here to try to at least document my inevitable mental collapse. So many new mistakes. Things never got better for me .They never will.
I couldn’t say that things are alright.
Because I can’t remember the last time they were.
And the truth is that I have been battling each day,
just trying to hold my head above water.
I don’t want to live like that anymore.
I don’t want to live in state of constant battle with myself.
While I will never expect to see myself happy;
I refuse to continue to be my own worst enemy.
When everyone wants to see me fail,
I have to be the one who is rooting for me.
I have to be the one who proves everyone wrong.
Since I have updated on here. Believing someone actually reads my posts, and gives a damn about them, or me. Humor, in my own way. I felt the need to update, in between my sessions of binge drinking. You want to know a wonderful fact? Vodka is good. Vodka is damn good. And whoever said alcohol doesn’t fix anything, clearly wasn’t drunk enough. I have given up entirely. There’s just no point any more. There really isn’t. What will it get me? I’m done trying because all it ever does is leave me broke or broken. And I just want to find a reason to […]
I’ve been trying not to do this but I need to speak to someone.
If anyone on here has a Kik, mine is AlliEatsChildren.
Someone should Kik me? I ask with very low expectations that anyone will. But it’s worth a try. IÂ would say email but honestly I don’t use my email at all.
You know what is just HILARIOUS? Please allow me to share.
What’s hilarious is when you are dating a guy and your guy best friend fucks your boyfriend.
What’s hilarious is when they both lie to you about it and hide it from you.
What is really fucking hilarious is when you find out, and your friend starts crying.
What’s even more hilarious is when you try to leave your boyfriend after it and do nothing but cry and cut the next week.
What is just fucking hysterical is when you have so much self hatred that you believe that no one could ever love you, and your now-ex is […]
Nothing ever changes,
even when you say it will.
You’ve always been a liar.
Filling yourself with falsity.
Hopeful lies,
and a grin so wide,
your skin could tear.
I’ve seen what lies beneath
the sleeves of your favorite sweater.
I have seen your ugliest truth.
The beautiful marks
that stain your skin
as a reminder of a night
you forgot to swallow your pill.
Living in a world of hazed confusion,
trying to block out the truth
with an upped dosage,
and a sharper edge.
Where do you hide?
Pretending this will work,
and stifle the pain.
But I can hear you cry at night.
Keep pretending.
Just a little longer, my dear.
I need to know that something in me is still striving for an existence. I need to know that all of me has not given up hope. I feel as though I am drowning in a sea of no emotion, and will soon be so overcome with boilng rage, that I will begin to hurt others. I fear for what is in my mind. I fear for how I will turn out. I tell myself that things will get better because I want so badly to believe it so. I want to believe so badly that things will be okay, and it will all work […]
I long for the feeling.
Any feeling.
To cry at this point,
would be nothng short of a blessing.
I feel numb.
Numb,
like no combination of words could ever express.
I have people that have asked me to quit.
But they all go away in the end.
I need to feel something.
Anything.
And my blade beckons to me in the middle of the night.
I have to feel something.
How else
do I know
I’m alive?
Life goes on.
It doesn’t care,
if you’re there with it.
Life doesn’t give a fuck,
if you feel down,
or want to stop and smell the fucking roses.
Life will move
as fast as it fucking wants to.
And you can try your damnedest,
to sprint and keep up.
Or you can get left behind.
Life waits for no one.
Can you keep up?
One of the worst nights I’ve had in some time. I cut for the first time in months. I just can’t take it anymore. It feels like I roam the earth each day as a zombie, and I just don’t feel alive anymore. Fuck it. I just don’t want to do it. I would love to be the owner of a small pistol right now, and after seeing how everything has played out, I find it very unlikely that I will allow myself to live for much longer. I know no one cares, but I needed to talk about this, and I have no friends […]
Because lately my mind has been a jumble of letters and words, and all of the pictures have faded to black. The images are dark and impossible to see what they are meant to be. But each word in my mind rings out loud and clear. I write because it is easier to speak a thousand words, than to see a single picture in summary.
IÂ have never known innocence.
It has been pain and loss and death
since before I could store a memory.
And now I am asked to be normal.
I am asked to pretend
that my childhood
was warm and innocent.
Innocence was ripped away
at the age of six,
surrounded by hands
and pleas and tears
and blood to be kept secret.
But begging never gets you anywhere.
Innocence was ripped away
as I laid next to my best friend
at the age of 13
whose heart had stopped beating,
while mine took
just a bit too long
to cease.
Innocence was ripped away
with the last words she heard from me,
“I forgive you, mom.”
I was 14.
Innocence has been ripped away from me
every time I walk that […]
A bell rings out.
A pitched sound that hits the eardrum
and cripples the heart.
A line of black parades the street.
The world’s colors fade away.
A black and white existence.
The vibrancy is ripped away.
And the thought that your life may never be the same
is a thought you never wanted to hit you.
But it does.
It hits you harder than anyone has ever realized.
And years have passed.
And you still cry at night
until the tears have numbed the pain in your chest
and you finally drift to sleep;
praying to whatever god there is
that you don’t wake up the next day.
Each morning
you wipe the dried tears from your face
and everyone around you
thinks you […]
Words are so beautiful.
So powerful.
A simple string of letters;
a certain arrangement of syllables and consonants and vowels,
that have the ability to move you.
A simple word can begin a friendship
or tear apart a family.
And as we go on each day
we speak only some of these beautiful words
while others sit in our minds
dancing on our tongue
behind our lips,
just desperately trying to escape.
Words are powerful
and beautiful
and meaningful
and life is nothing without them.
So why are we taught to hold our tongue
when some of us are dying to speak up?
And if one voice could be heard,
then that voice could be saved.
But instead we silence them
and teach them to be silent.
For the […]
This site. The blogs of others. The feeling that I somehow am not nearly as alone as I feel in all of this. I have always known that others feel the way I do. I knew I wasn’t the only one out there that curses each morning they wake up to see they’ve survived the night. But seeing others words, their stories. It’s comforting, in a strange way. Perhaps that is rude of me to say? I would never wish these morbidly comforting thoughts onto anyone else. I would never wish for anyone else to want to end their life. However, hearing people openly express their […]
We spend our lives
trying to Be.
Be better.
Be smarter.
Be stronger.
Be prettier.
Just- to Be.
Be someone worthwhile.
Of course we do.
Who doesnt wake up each morning
wth the hope
that someone is going
to fall for us?
We strive for that feeling
of acceptance
and love.
Yet how do we forget
to find love for ourselves;
while we wait for another
to find their love for us?
Oh, how naive the soul
that roams each street alone,
wishing to find somone to love them
enough to take away the pain.
We are raised to believe that love
is the greatest reliever.
It can heal the wounds
and warm the icy blood pulsing through our veins.
We believe that the love of another is enough
to wash away
all pain and […]
Each day, someone tells me to think positive. They say I am supposed to magically find love for myself. How am I supposed to find a way to love myself when all I ever hear about is how I need to be prettier and skinnier and my hair needs to be longer and I need to be smarter… It’s damn near impossible to just make myself love myself when all I hear is how many flaws I have and how much is wrong with me. I’m sick of living day by day trying to be who everyone else wants me to be. I tear myself […]
To my stomach
My palms won’t stop sweating
Thoughts flood my mind
My demons have taken over.
I can’t do it anymore.
I can’t try to smile
And act
Like everyone else
Because I know that I’m not
And I never will be.
And don’t call me a coward for being sad.
I am not a coward.
I am stronger than anyone will ever know.
And I have held in more thoughts than I am able to.
I am not a coward.
I am not a freak.
I am hurt and lonely and sad.
I am human.
They say that life goes on
But what if it leaves you behind
How are you supposed to pick yourself up again?
I may not survive this.
I go day by day trying to act like everything is wonderful. I am forced by others to maintain a smile on my face because if at any point I am unhappy, a whirlwind of shit talking begins. I get crap from everyone around me, so there’s no way that I can try to talk to anyone and try to get better. But I’m not allowed to ever feel upset? If I had a gun, I would already be dead, no doubt in my mind. I am tired of living and I am tired of people telling me that things will get better when they […]