evianwatre

I have been on an act my entire life. The only way to break free, to truly be myself, is to exist as a corpse. Since my first depersonalization derealization, I stopped being able to live as a whole . Since the first time I wrote down that I wanted to die. I never wanted to speak about my mind or draw it out or turn it into something perceptible, but they just grind me up inside.

There’s truly no one to speak to. All contradictions. I draw my naked body on every girls in every piece I make but I’m a prude. I say everything […]

I finally cut off a person, a “friend” that’s selfish, racist, toxic, egocentric and irrational. she has been switching between being a normal, supportive friend to treating me like shit for years. I’m doing the best, most respectful thing I can do. If she doesn’t leave me alone from here on, I’ll smash down her Carnegie hall performance worthy hands. I would say worse, way worse, but I am not gonna make a bunch of people on the internet think I’m crazy. I won’t do shit. But I am not going to be blaming myself for these thoughts again.

That’s an exaggeration, I don’t know, I’m […]

Having a goal and finding that you’re somewhat good at something really helps. Although I don’t want to get better, I can’t help it. I haven’t felt this neutral in years, in winter, with this rainy, dark, weather. I don’t know how it is happening but I think I am getting better. I expected to be disappointed again. It really sucks saying this and many people, as much as they’ll understand will be offended by this. I don’t want to get better, if I stop being…who I was, I won’t be happy either. I expected so much worse. Seriously reconsidering how much of a idiotic […]

this is far from the first time, in fact it’s been happening for such a long time but i didn’t mention it: i keep telling myself to shut up but there is no voice. i know some people experience “voices” but its not that, it’s like someone is talking to me on mute, i don’t know what it is saying but i think maybe it’s me telling my thoughts to shut up, but i don’t know what i’m thinking either. feeling like something is foreign inside my head isn’t the first time either, the slight itch started yesterday, i don’t know, there’s something heavy and […]

i cant find a place to hang. I was supposed to be normal, i just fixed myself she wont give me a break. I am going to go crazy. this isnt real. I woke up at the wrong time, i wasnt supposed to wake up, i woke up in the wrong world in the wrong body, this is jusyt a bad dream. I never knew this. If someone could recprd me. I wil nver remember what happened, I cant find a place to hang. the doorknob is too low, the rail of the bed soesnt work, cutrain pole tooo soft it curves in. I need […]

Found myself acting like a child after getting really angry. Who am I kidding, there is no one to go to. I am a child after it all, I should be one, why am I like this, why do I all of the sudden, look like this? I am so tired, I am so tired I am so tired I am so tired. I can’t fix myself, neither do I want to. Keep punishing me until one day, eventually, one day, I’ll find myself in bed, small, clueless, pale, free of sins. In a loop of time, there will always be one instance, the eternal […]

Yesterday I felt like trash, but I think I am getting better after all. I’m not sure if it’ll all be reset this winter, who knows. Although whenever I see anyone close to me I’ll think of their reaction after my death, for the first time in years, I can actually talk about the future, my future. For the first time in years, in the flash of a second, I genuinely saw myself in the future: miserable, but still alive. 20,30,40,50,60. For a second I genuinely wanted to live. As frightening as it is, I won’t quit for now, I am scared of the reaction […]

Through a rather complicated event, I realized I’ve lost all empathy and feelings of guilt, i don’t know, for the recent few days at least. I don’t know if I’ve been saying sorry for show or not. I’ll go back to normal, probably. I’m okay, I’m not sure about the rest of the family, but, I know I don’t care. How disgusting of a thought. No one should stay happy and normal for such a long time, it’s just not possible, neither do they deserve it. Three days before I turned __, I remember trying to get supplies to kill myself, then 15, tried to […]

a sheet of metal under the skin. limbs freezing up, words disappearing quickly into nothing, sometimes I don’t know if i was truly traumatized, or was I acting it out? the only audience ever in the room, the everlasting presence of a woman sobbing under the bed, anything else other than that I don’t remember.

As soon as possible, as soon as possible, a dead young person equalizes to a failed investment, the quicker you pull away the better. A steady decline without bumps, the image, tainted blue, purple, red, brown, on cold pressed watercolor pads, a locked room. On and on, then every story merges […]

There’s no part of me left, who I originally was. Nobody in the fucking world is willing to take some time to listen, nobody understands what I’m saying despite myself making perfect sense. I don’t want to write poems draw pictures however the fuck to solve the issue. This anger lingers onto everybody, everything, close friends and family, sometimes I fall into loops of thinking about
of course I won’t and I’m just being a terrible person

I don’t know who I am or how I feel, as of now it’s just a loop of imagery. I’ve turned into a horrible person. […]

if I hate myself before they do, then they won’t have to

I wont have to hear it from them, but I can read their mind, everyday, them talking through my head: “you’re such a piece of shit, hopefully I won’t ever have to deal with you again”

It was vertigo. A heady, insuperable longing to fall. We might also call vertigo the intoxication of the weak. aware of his weakness, a man decides to give in rather than stand up to it. He is drunk with weakness, wishes to grow even weaker, wishes to fall down in the middle of the main square in front of everybody, wishes to be down, lower than down.

i want to die.

i’ve been having terrible, terrible nightmares. the locations in my dreams are consistent, there’s a whole world, i can always remember and recognize the places, i can even draw out a map if i want to. the dreams are so complex, i can’t even write them out, there’re ridiculous, they’re so obscure i just can’t express the scenes in words. i don’t want to dream anymore. it’s so disgusting, even, the dreams. i’ve been free from them for almost a month, but yesterday the dreams got physcial. i don’t do drugs, but i felt like i had a really bad trip. before i fell asleep […]

I tried to hang myself on the rail of the bed today, I couldn’t do it. I feel like I’m slipping away again. I watch my life happen in front of me like a film.

i dont recognize anyone on this site anymore.

it never gets better

I went out and bought some items I could kill myself with, I was feeling so light and relaxed. There’s no need for worrying that I’m going insane anymore. No therapist, no medicine, nobody knows, and I’m ready to do it, i was ready to do it. 5 days left.

It’s so obscure, it’s so funny. The store on google map had a status of “open from 9-7”, yet it was closed when I went there, permanently. I looked through the scratched glass coated in a fume of wood chips and dust, it was all grey. Last time I walked pass it it was open, fully […]

Nobody knows the shit I’ve done to myself nobody will see nobody will come nobody will know anything there’s something inside me pull me out of my skin I want to die I want to die I can’t hear anything I can’t remember anything I can’t I hate myself I hate myself I hate I hate I hate I hate I wanted to say something nobody cares nobody in the world will accept me I can’t go anywhere the world has abandoned me and I just have to make it on my own over and over again my head is fucked I’ve gone […]

down below is some stuff i wrote for myself to read, it’s my attempt of exploring my relationship with suicide and death. i wrote this in a different language and i simply ran it through google translate, this might be unreadable, but i thought i should post something here once in a while.

everything i’ve wrote is deeply, deeply personal, i’ve never shared an analysis of my mind this personal and in detail before, on anywhere. i might come back and archive this, and also, i feel deeply insecure about my real age, i feel so bad for being this age because i feel like nothing […]

I can’t fucking do this, I can smell the humidity in the air, the scent of summer and the dirt and cicada and the leaves with holes that bugs chew out. The dirty manmade pond and water, the moss and mold, the dirty plaster walls and how I dug and drew on it witb the keys to the only place I knew home. The stickiness in the palms of children holding their money and coins thinking that one comic book and some crossfire skin was all they need in being alive. The oxidized metals and plastic and rusty bikes layed in layers of spiderwebs […]