evianwatre

and i went down, and i reached down, and i looked down.

it’s not the romantic part that i want, but i feel like i require something to keep that part of me together, to touch me and let me feel real. i’ve been left out in the conversations, people look at me as if i’m not there. i don’t blame them since i stopped wanting to talk recently.

“a, remember that you’re loved, we love you, come to us if you are feeling down.” they say that but words will never get across. they say that knowing that they don’t want a damn to do with my own business, i don’t want to share either, it’s just […]

i can’t let anyone go.

everyday i woke up with the inner voice telling me: do it, this is the day.

i try to keep that urge at the bottom of everything but it doesn’t work. is it my fault? yes. asking for help and some medicine would make it stop, at least that’s what i believe how those pill works.

i’m overanalyzing everything, every word, every expression on people’s faces and i can’t help it. the messages i see kept telling me they hate me, especially when i lift the mask off.

i’m tired, i’m tired and scared, all i want is this to end in any possible […]

i can’t even start writing. I can think of everything that had twisted me into this way, since i was a child, but nothing will happen even if i say the words out. I’ve been seeking attention, not help, i want other people to feel that i am in this terrible state, but i don’t want help, i don’t deserve help, the only way to pay back is to be in more pain, more and more.

i don’t know when i started making these self deprecating jokes, lowering myself to a state just to make myself feel comfortable. but in other people’s eyes, from all these […]

i’m seeing myself, the things around me, as me, in third person.

i’m seeing everything at once, i’m hearing everything at once, i ‘m feeling nothing but everything at once.

i don’t understand what this is, i can’t identify myself as myself anymore. i can’t even hate myself because i can’t recognize her anymore. i feel strange, i can’t explain it.

everything feels new, my hands, the pillow, the world. i feel like i’ve been born one second ago, i want to show you what i see, but i don’t know what i see either. i feel like i’m slowly going insane from the imagery and art i […]

i don’t understand what is real anymore. i don’t know if i’m overly sensitive and overthinking or if i’m just feeling everything. i understand what’s going on in their mind about me, yet i don’t.

last night, i was so happy, i woke up this morning and my head was clear, i don’t understand why i am feeling this way right now.

i can feel it, i’m sure of it, they find me annoying in one way or another. i don’t understand why they feel superior to me, i actually do understand, it’s just me. they cant love me for who i am if i can’t love […]

half a year ago, i overcame the fear, self loath and reached to her for help, with nothing in return. “if you’re so depressed, you know you can go to therapy without your mother?”that was what my closest friend said to me.

it’s so selfish for me, but i want to be sick, cancer or some incurable disease. i want someone to take my life away, instead of me doing it to myself. the result is clear–she would, or people around me would feel like it’s somehow their fault if i took my own life, but that’s not the case. this shell, this person, the thoughts, […]

i’m an ignorant *****.

i’m brainwashed.

i kept spreading my fucking opinions now they are all going to fucking hate me.

since when did i became this toxic?

***** why can’t you shut the fuck up.

eating is now a chore, haven’t had a proper meal since Wednesday night.

i’m not hungry at all though, everything’s alright.

the voice comes at least three times a month, i’m tired of changing who i am over and over again. i can’t control my tears even though nothing happened, it tells me that i shouldn’t have ever existed, there’s no way out, i just want happiness for my family.

but how can i satisfy them when i kept having the thought? it’s 28C yet i still feel cold, i want to eat but i haven’t tasted anything good in months,  i can’t help but disappoint them. they wonder what happened to their loving child, i’m getting frustrated in every word people say. i can’t keep this up, […]

i want to stop thinking.

my opinions, my thoughts, they disgust me more than anything in life. i know that i didnt say anything wrong, but i can’t stand my opinions, my thoughts, the way i speak. i’m pressing the unsend button but internet won’t let it go back. it was just a simple “bro what thats crazy”but i hate the sentence, i hate how its written by me, i shouldnt have sent it, i shouldnt have published this post either, i forgot to use ‘ in shouldnt, holy fuck i can’t stand the way i do things. if i were anyone else i would come […]

when the feeling comes back on me the world turns into a grey meaningless place. but when i feel well the world is truly beautiful, flawed but beautiful, bright and filled with colors. do i deserve to be in a place like this?  absolutely not, but i’ll try to stay to observe the beauty, before i feel like shit again and the colors fade away.

i type in s in the top bar, i click in, i log on to this account and pour everything out knowing it’s not going to help. i’m no longer in pain, my body adjusted and i’m used to it. i’ll stay calm for the day to come. but like many other things in life, i’ll never get to decide for myself, not even the day for me to quit.

strangled myself w cable uwu, felt like my head was going to burst but after a good 30 seconds or so i’m fully calm and ready to go kick ass

let’s see how long i last before i go back at looking useless shit to find something to do

ok i just ended another conversation by saying something completely unneeded and making it awkward, then i tried to apologize for doing that i did

then i realized its going to make everything worse yay

i’m scared to see what they’ll respond

i mentioned it as a joke, my family said if i ever do that to myself they will go with me.

it hurts too much and i can’t stay, i can’t leave either, i’m fucking trapped.