fadedobscurity2

You did it again, and you failed again. You tried with visine, all your eggs in that basket. What little hope ending this life has to offer was in visine. But, the cat’s out of the bag isn’t it? You had to open your mouth on the calculated risk that they wouldn’t add 2 and 2 together and get 4. Well you gambled, and you LOST. As usual. Disappointment doesn’t begin to cover what you are, what your life is, what you will always be. One. Big. Fuck up.

Kara confronted you. She’s the one that put it together. The variable you didn’t count on. Way […]

I was raised that men do not express feelings aside from anger. We certainly don’t cry, we pull ourselves up by our bootstraps suck it up and move on. When I was molested on a daily basis for years as a young boy, my other(non assailant) sister tried to protect me. What did dear old dad do? Dismiss the accusation as absurd. What did Mom do? Dismiss the idea as absurd because that’s what dear old Dad said to do.

Torment is reliving those days, which is constant. Torment is not being worth appropriately dealing with the sexual assault when it was proven. Torment […]

Yep it’s me again, Margaret.  The local fuck up. I have added to my list of fuck ups, and I have a new idea I am developing. I have put a lot of thought into this, put things in place and planning for it. I have secured life insurance for my wife and daughter. They will want for nothing. I have read the fine print on the policy to make sure self inflicted homicide is covered. I have established lines of credit that my wife can use after I am gone for her convenience. I have written a letter to them both. All that is […]

The voices. I listened to them for 3 years. Every day I listened to them tell me how worthless I was, how I didn’t deserve a loving family, that I was stupid and would be better off dead. Then one day, the voices stopped. I haven’t heard them in nearly a year, until last week.
In the past year of peace and quiet, my wife and I have redeveloped our relationship and we actually act like husband and wife instead of roommates or business partners. My daughter adores me again and my son actually acknowledges my existence. I’ve got a good job, comfortable home, good […]

I’ve tried so many times to end the misery. I’ve tried all the usual suspects. I’m such a big fuck up I can’t even successfully take my own life. Tonight I’m alone, just me and my dog.  If I had a gun it would be over. One single shot would lead to endless peace.

In the past 12 months I’ve attempted suicide 6 times. The most recent was last week. I failed at that just like I’ve failed at life. How big of a god damned fuck up do I have to be to fail at literally everything I do? I hate life, I hate myself, I want out.

I have attempted through various means several times over the past year. All were unsuccessful, obviously. So I fucking suck at living and I’m such a fuck up I can’t even kill myself correctly. SMMFH

50mg tramadol x 20 pills=1,000 mg or 1 gram. Goodbye world, I can’t do this anymore.

I’ve been away from home for going on a month now. I left my wife and children to come to missouri to help my mother care for my terminally ill father.
Since I’ve been here I have not taken any medications. Nothing for depression, anxiety, Borderline personality disorder, PTSD, high blood pressure, gout, arthritis, you get the idea. I’ve also been doing door dash to make money on the side, which makes my arthritis hurt even more(it’s in my knees and my feet, which have been deformed since birth).
So I’ve been off the psychiatric meds for going on a month. I’ve been doing ok, […]

I am pure evil. I put on a show for people but secretly I wish everyone would just leave me the hell alone. Many years ago when I was in my 20’s, I sold my soul to the devil. I had a seance’, complete with candles the pentagram, the whole thing. Initially I didn’t think anything had really happened, but now I’m convinced I did what I intended to do, and there is no going back.

I sold my soul in exchange for health wealth and happiness. I lost everything and gained nothing. I’m not healthy, certainly not rich, and I’m not happy either. I’m convinced […]

I want to go back in time. No not for some stupid purpose like to win an old flame or shit like that. I want to go back to the day I met the ***** known as my ex wife and tell her to fuck off. That way I never would have made the 17 year old pissant that has to hide behind mommy instead of manning up. God damn id like to lay him out..find out just how much of a man he is. Pfft he’s a god-damned fucking *****. He’s a 17 year old arrogant pissant that believes he has the […]

People suck. Everyone in my life except my wife and daughter needs to go take a long fucking walk off a short fucking cliff. People that can’t fight their own battles need to fuck off. People that go running to their mother(my ex wife) when I have a problem with them need to fuck off and fight their own fucking battles for a fucking change instead of fucking running to the goon squad so they can blow me up about the half fucking truths from the fucking pissant otherwise known as my son. One of these days I’m gonna get to lay him […]

Well, I promised on here that I would do it, and I did try. However my efforts were thwarted because this particular strategy though effective, is very painful.

I went to the store and bought glass cleaner (active ingredient is ammonia) and a gallon of bleach. I poured the contents of both into my bathtub. Nothing really happened. I decided that it needed to be more concentrated, but I was out of glass cleaner. I found some lysol toilet bowl cleaner (active ingredient hydrochloric acid) and poured it into the bathtub as well. That was the ticket.  Immediately my lungs began to burn, I began coughing […]

Ammonia and bleach in an enclosed space, no ventilation. High concentrations of both. Goodbye world.

Its been a little while since I have been on here. I’ve been having the same struggles. I’m tired of talking about it. Doesn’t matter who I talk to about it, doesn’t matter what they say to me or what I say to them.

This has to end. Enough talk, enough thoughts, enough research. I have highly effective methods. Enough dicking around. I’m either serious or I’m not. I am dead serious. It will be over soon.

My wife wants in. She’s afraid all the time I’m going to kill myself. She’s right. I don’t know how to let her in. I’m a prisoner of myself. I want to be free. Let me out.

I have been angry before. I’ve even had rage before. Never before tonight have I had the urge to hurt someone else. I held it down long enough to quickly escape to the shower where I released my rage on my face and the wall. I’m out now, I have two black eyes, a sore jaw, and multiple busted knuckles. It temporarily satisfied the monster inside me..I don’t know when it will come out again….

Failure is only noticed when it affects other people. Instead of pointing out my failures, why can’t people just let me fade into obscurity? Leave me alone, leave me to my own devices, leave me with a knife, a gun or anti freeze, arsenic, SOMETHING!  Don’t point out my failures. Even the ones that affect other people. Leave me be. Leave me alone with my thoughts, alone to conjure up methods to try. Hell I’m such a failure I can’t even kill myself correctly. I’ve tried 10 times at least. I’ve overdosed on everything I have access to. I mean major overdose.