hattie

i loved you

we connected

we made everyday better

we made people jealous of our joy

jealous of our careless laughter

and then you changed

you made me realise that everyone has changed

everyone but me

im stuck in a time lapse

trying to grasp the happiness i once knew

trying to remake old and wonderful memories

but now i realise im chasing the past

and so infact

im only ever going backwards

my  mind has left me

and now i see no way forward

you feel bad in the pit of your stomach when you think that you might hate your family…
it makes you feel like a bad person.
but really, why should you feel bad?

anyone who makes you feel horrible almost everyday, dismisses you unless they notice you for a negative, for being in the wrong; people like that don’t deserve your respect or love. weather they be related to you or not, it shouldn’t matter. a person who is painful to be around, who makes you want to bang your head against a wall again and again and again… isn’t a person you need in your […]

april fools.

some days i look in the mirror,

and the person staring back at me is beautiful.

she really is..

other people dont see it, but sometimes i do.

other days… most days… i look in the mirror and see something i wish i didnt. something ugly. something i wish didnt belong to me.

it sounds wierd im sure, but thats the only way i can explain it.

the reason i say this, is because today was one of the ones where she was beautiful

i tried to stay away.

i tried not to come here.

theres no where else i can vent.

theres no one else i can talk to.

theres nobody to trust.

i never knew there could be this much hate.

i never knew i could hate people or a place so much.

that anywhere could make you hate yourself this much or feel this bad.

i never knew i had so many tears in my eyes. that so many tears could drop.

i wish i had never come into this world.

they took everything i had and made it worse

no thing, is better because of them.

and all i hope; is that when i leave this place, […]

i used to know everything.

then i grew up…

and now, i know nothing.

i used to succeed

then they told me i couldnt…

and now, Im a failure.

i used to feel loved

then i left…

and now, Im a lone

take me back. take me all the way back and let me do it over…

i used to look around me and see people i loved. people that mattered to me.

people that made me the better version of myself.

people that i proudly called my friends.

now i look around me and all i see is people that make me miserable and cold.
people whose ‘friendship’ with me is based purely around mocking me.

these people arent my friends. they use me in any way they can, and when they dont need me, im shunned to the back.

they dont treat me the same as they do any of there other friends. it seems i dont deserve the respect.

but i do.

iv’e recently learned that […]

today a boy asked me if i could imagine ever spending my life with someone…

i thought about it…

then he asked me if i could ever imagine anyone wanting to spend their life with me?

i kept listening…

then he told me he couldnt imagine it.

he told me that he couldn’t imagine anyone would want to spend a large amount of time with me, just because its me. he also told me that as hard as it is to imagine someone liking me, he struggles even more to imagine someone loving me, and asked if i could imagine someone ever loving me.

my chest sunk

this conversation went on for […]

i have no motivation

none at all…

my future has been blocked by a cloud of fog

and i cant seee where im going

im so lost i have just given up entirely

but when i think how much my parents gave up to put me through school

and give me a really great education

and ive made nothing of it!

i know how selfish and careless that makes me sound? i feel like i cant even help it

i have dawdled my life away

and now ive made it pretty hard for my self to get even average marks at school

uni looks like a lost cause

plus i have no real talents… people like to […]

take me away into the night

and leave me there.

i cant stay here and fight this battle.

theres no one by my side.

i climbed the tree to see the world.

but when i reached the top,

they shot me down.

you shot me down. every one of you.

and now I’m lying in the soil beneath alone, and cold.

if only they all knew, how much they hurt me

would they do it anyway?

if only they knew, how i cry at night,

would they say it anyway?

if only they knew how i want to leave this place.

would they stop me.

i sit here every night for weeks.

and all i can think is how much i miss my family.

when i had them all the time i never realised how important they were…

but i miss them everyday…

my mum and my dad

my sisters and brother

and my dog…

i long to go home and sleep in my own bed, just to open my eyes and see my room around me.

almost every morning i wake up in momentary confusion at where i am.

always expecting to see my room. and always being wrong.

you think after years youd be used to it.

i watch everyone else doing ‘parent child things’ that parents and children […]

how can people be so mean.

so cruel.

id rather you slapped me in the face than speak words.

someone slaps you – your face shows the pain

but the cuts heal, and in the end your only left with better reflexes.

when you say the words, you crush people.

and every time you bring them down, there self worth fades

and slowly there left cold and pathetic thinking they are everything they were told

‘your fucking useless’

‘your so fucking dumb’

‘god your a fucking waste of space’

at first you laugh – you know thats not true.

then you think, hey.. maybe it is

then you think. who the fuck needs me here, im such a […]

i look at people all the time and think how much id love to be them.

to have there friends

there looks

there life

to be adored that much by the people around them

then i look at me.

from a distance you might think im pretty

even up close.

but at night, when my fake deciving mask of makeup is removed

i remember just how ugly i am.

then i look at my friends.

and i have this disease you see,

its called illusional misconception

people believe that i am confident and bold.

that i have all these friends and blah blah

then when they get a bit closer

they slowly.. or quickly

realise just how weak and pathetic i am

and […]

i see people everyday.

people i talk to.

people that walk past me in the street,

people that never frown.

people full of confidence, always surrounded by friends.

and i always wonder, when they go home…

do the shaddows creep up on them too?

do they fall into the hole of darkness i find myself in every night?

no one would ever pick me to be here.

doing this…

i run around talking shit.

i laugh and make jokes.

im ‘the happy one’

ones of those people you never see cry

you never see get angry..

is that why this hole sucks me in so easily?

the world is funny like that.

spose nothings as it seems.

what is the definition of depression?

is every whining pessimist depressed?

are you depressed? am i depressed?

how does one diagnose a persons inner feelings and pain.

and how do i define what i am, and how i feel.

‘he’ might say i have a case of depression,

‘she’ might say i just get sad sometimes

and ‘they’ might say im just pathetic.

and i, might say…