middle of the night, up because I’m just crushed by the enormity of the task of recovery. I want to sleep, I could work tomorrow and I could use the cash. At the same time all the plans I have keep coming to mind, I keep worrying about failure, worrying about reaching the end of the help I’m getting. Everything seems to be up in the air at this time. I can’t count on anything. I could live day to day with the depression if I didn’t have the crushing weight of recovery on top of me. The crushing weight that because I managed to […]
I’ve had 3 crises in the past 24 hours, I’m at my limit.
1. our small dog magically teleported through the fence. I checked, no holes, and the dog is less than two feet tall, he didn’t jump. I asked him to come back the way he came, he just stared at me. Had to go around to get him.
2. Lost the sprinkler that I just bought. This one gets me particularly because of how mundane it is. It’s a 7 dollar sprinkler and can be replaced. I just… can’t afford to spend another 7 on a sprinkler just because depression makes me forget. It took […]
You know what sucks? How doing positive things is actually part of the cycle that will kill me! I don’t just mean in terms of it being part of my futile struggle against the forces of entropy and death. I mean in terms of how I work really hard on things I should, and no one will notice! So the cycle might just stop there.
Better still is how no one thinks I’m going to get better. It’s like the best anyone can hope for is that I won’t manage to kill myself this year. The funny part is that they are right, it will […]
I’m trying to figure out how weird this obsession I have with darkness is. For the last year for example I’ve been obsessively searching for decent horror, trying to find a work that creates the emotion of fear within me (FYI, still no takers, but some great movies and books discovered along the way). Now for the past few weeks I find myself drawn to cults and studying how narcissistic personalities dominate followers and draw them in. I have no reason to know or collect this information apart from to feed my obsession.
I don’t think this is healthy. I used to enjoy other projects, but […]
Days like today sum up why I haven’t bounced back. Every time I turn to try to do something healthy/good for me I hit a wall. I want to go to the gym, hit with traffic, stress and exhaustion before I’m even half way there. I want to read a book, no focus. I want to play a game, same problem. So I have build up of frustration, build up of energy and no healthy outlet. The frustration of that inhibits my creativity and ability to adapt to these challenges. I mean, no worries the energy will eventually fade and I’ll be useless again. I […]
Today things set a good trend for me. I’m still at the point I can only go out a few days a week, but I’m working on that. So today came the long awaited and also long dreaded visit with my prescribing doctor. I was really dreading the concept of going in and talking about my issues from the last few weeks. I’ve been trying to be more honest with this doctor and we have a much more functional relationship for it. That does mean though if I had still be in the deep existential funk that has dominated the last few weeks I would […]
does anyone else remember when they made a movie out of it? When things are at their darkest I dream of such escapism, like in that story where a man desires a better world so much he experiences a break with his bleak reality and lives his dream. He dreams that windmills are giants to fight. He dreams that a shaving bowl is a helmet, that a serving wench is a fair lady to save.
I think I’m not so different, the situation is beyond my capability to control or understand. My bright moments in the past were tilting at windmills. The reason we do that […]
I have been depressed for about 7 years at this point. At various points through that journey I have been suicidal. The furthest I’ve gotten was actually barely beginning the process, and I was a wreck in tears by the end of it. The only way this will end is that eventually I’ll plan my exit and make it, which is where my thoughts are tonight.
The messed up is that things aren’t worse. I have people that care about me, a decent support system, and I am receiving some treatment. Obviously not effective treatment, since feeling suicidal is what they want me NOT to do.
See […]
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