heartlessviking

Last night, whew, one of the most frightening in this home. Also, anyone who thinks I should be fine, having a home, I’d like them to try living with a back fence neighbor like Mitch. Oh yeah, learned  his name this week, from one of his neighbors, and found out that stealing utilities and literally anything not nailed down is only one small part of his criminal empire, which also includes meth. Fun!

So last night I’m trying to play DnD with friends online, and my wife hears a scream from the back yard. I didn’t realize the headphones I had muffled everything, but I did […]

I read disturbing stories, often just looking for something to feel. Usually it’s horror. So if horror specifically dealing with suicidal people sounds like a yuck thing, bail, nothing else of value here.

BTW, before I get into my hypothetical, if you’re looking for a full length book on the subject, The Black Farm is both substantially disturbing, and dealing with suicide. I need to reread that. The guy wrote a sequel, but I’m less than enthused about that.

It’s the first story in the collection You Know It’s True by JR Hamantaschen , a story called; “I should have been a pair of ragged claws / […]

I’ve been doing a lot of study on the last time things changed in my country, turned around, and why. So let me take you back a hundred years

Everyone was bad at fighting World War 1. England was bad at it, so was France and even Germany. There are myread reasons behind this, mostly that European armies had more experience in the last century fighting colonial wars, that is wars to prop up their various colonies. Most of the wars of the previous century were fought at sea, but this resulted in everyone overprepping naval assets and neglecting troops and land logistics. So the first […]

Right, I get that life is general is pointless, all of us are on a one way trip to the grave and whatnot, general existential BS….. and that’s a great defense, not even going to fight that part

but being a disinterested zen master is still beyond me. I’m working on it….. today in therapy I reached a lot deeper than I thought I would, ever. I talked about how angry and cheated I feel…… and it really comes back to the pointlessness of effort

because my therapist asked if I would go back to work, and I responded; that isn’t up to me. If someone could […]

I’m trying to appreciate my progress, even when it seems small, especially when it seems small, because small is all I’ve got.

so five days straight on my shower a day goal successful, I need to be pleased about it. It’s still work, I’m a ways yet before it is a habit.

I read a book that really did it for me, Ambrose Ibsen’s The Other Woman. I devoured the thing in two days. It touched on some important themes for me, loss, and trying to make sense of the absurdly awful. I’m still processing, but I think it was good progress.

Finally, the best progress in awhile; […]

After that last bit, feeling particularly suicidal, I sunk back into myself. It was perfection, I almost ceased to be for 14 hours. Then I woke up, did what I had to, and tried to replicate it, and you know what happened? awful failure, nightmares, and I realized that if I didn’t hurt, I wouldn’t sleep right. I also can’t really create the pain, it just has to hit me.

Like today. The first four hours I was pushing, pouring myself out and hurting for it. But now? the relief has started, and I think it’s going to be a good night. What kind of sick […]

I ran into some videos about applying for disability, the sorts of questions they ask, what they want to know, and frankly it has me at a pretty dark place. Because they want to make it out that the person applying could work. They use all the tactics of all the bad employers I’ve had. Because APPARENTLY it is my job to make a company function such that I can keep working for them. I should have been asking for accomodations. If I can function socially, and stand for extended periods of time, I don’t have a problem?!

I’m in a dark wishing my life was […]

after almost a month of no therapy…. today I arrived to my appointment to find myself meeting with my social worker, which is fine…. she tells me that my therapist no longer works for them

at the time I thought he had quit, that was the impression she wanted to give…. but I realize even now I may never know what really happened to him, or if he did quit why?

I can’t help feeling some guilt, I don’t think I’m a particularly pleasant person to provide therapy to…. what if he killed himself? IDK. IDK. I try to cast my mind to some resolution, and it […]

I used to be religious, this isn’t going to be much about it. Just, I remember one of the things that drove me off is how so many holidays are dedicated to new life, rebirth, etc etc toxic positivity essentially.

But all hollows eve is special. I like to think it was a token nod to the occult religions assimilated when the Catholics swept through Europe. Occult attitudes towards death are more nuanced. Just had the thought that Catholicism is the Borg of religions, taking in just enough to make it attractive to others. Always seeking perfection, never reaching it.

Anyway, on this special evening the veil […]

long time, long time since I posted twice in a day. Back to back even longer.

but it was burning me up, wanting to know if anyone else who is suicidal watches entertainments with suicide as a subject?

I’m rewatching Haunting of Hill House, great show, makes me cry like a baby every time. Don’t know if I noticed before, how central suicide is to the whole thing.

I guess I find this one particularly interesting because it looks more at what comes after. Plenty of movies at least cover leading up, I know what it looks like personally and movies sometimes miss that.

This damn show though, it […]

It’s a rainy day over here, good time for reflection, and what I’m currently reflecting on are the parts of my life that work. Specifically my social relationships, they don’t just work, they endure even the chaos I’ve created in my life. But the question is “why?”

I don’t have an innate talent, to refute that initial possibility. I was bad at social relationships as a kid. Jesus, my first marriage ended in divorce, the first “friendship” after that saw my bedrooms gutted, and I set myself on fire in one ill advised incident.

but it was that reckoning that made me change my approach, and that […]

I wrote a thoughtful and nuanced bit explaining about my struggle with obsession and anhedonia, pressed publish and bang, the whole thing was gone.

so this is the quick and dirty version. Yes, I see the irony of when I write about that my memory and attention are things I struggle with being followed by the entire piece being deleted and me feeling all the more isolated. Touche internet, quite a picante indictment of my illness and issues proceeding from it.

[presses save draft, the only way to be certain that what you just typed isn’t going into the trash when you click to publish]

FYI, save draft […]

I wish I was worse at getting out of bed….. and I’m not good at it. Lately I’ve been sleeping until noon, then I’m up until about 1 AM, wash rinse repeat. So that’s 11 hours a day asleep, and I prefer it, turns out

Today I was supposed to have a therapy appointment, and so I woke up at 8 AM. This was after waking up at least twice in the night, and every single time after a nightmare… so I dragged out of bed, got ready and drove to the appointment. Any other day, that’d be it, the sum of the misery associated with […]

These families survive by salvaging garbage. Every day they risk their lives for scraps, scraps of food that they eat, or scraps of recycle-able material which they sell. The sad thing is they make twice what farmers do in the same country. So here, at least, high risk equates to relatively high reward.

how cursed are we to have food? to have the luxury of non working stomachs? I envy these people their hunger, their gratitude, their community. It is warmer and kinder than anything I see among the supposedly “rich”

It’s a nasty thing, letting the billionaires be right about something. They say we aren’t poor […]

I can almost hear my many therapists, saying fix the problem closer to home, fix MY problems, but that’s just it, this is my problem. I tried for years and years to become more passive, more like others. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t work 60-100 hour weeks and barely make enough to cover expenses. and now I live off of my family, and a part of me wants to feel guilty for that. I’m doing it though, I’m not going to be some passive jerk keeping the system corrupt. I like to believe that even without my family, I’d rather be homeless than kill […]

I’ve been trying to write a post about the general comfort of horror, why it works for me and helps so much. Sadly, it’s still too broad, and I find myself sounding more like a manic fanboy (which, to be fair, I am), and it isn’t useful. I want to be useful, even if it’s just recommending good distractions.

For me entertainment is effective when it is meaningful, when it tugs at something deeper that wanted to get out. It is with that in mind, I introduce for your approval; The Music of Erich Zann by HP Lovecraft.

https://www.hplovecraft.com/writings/texts/fiction/mez.aspx

I now plan to discuss why this particular work […]

If you can tolerate Gilbert Gottfried singing a song

(and here’s me realizing I’m old again, apparently young folks today don’t know who Gilbert Gottfried is…. which I find rude, do I go around saying that I don’t know who Pete Davidson is? No, he’s an ex SNL guy who is friends with John Mulaney, because I keep up with culture)

he was a comedian known for a particularly unpleasant voice….. but damn if he doesn’t nail it in this song. I never thought I’d find something to like about this movie, a movie I swear the rest of the world forgot about

and comparing myself to this […]

I know so many people who see me, talk to me, they think I express myself well, and I’m incredibly insightful….. and I’m…. THAT is the coping mechinism. I don’t belong, I’ve been an outsider for the longest time. Sometimes it’s a badge I wear with pride, but it’s also a source of shame. I tried to fit, I put immense work into trying.

and what scares me, as much as I allow myself to be scared by anything, is that I don’t want to try anymore.

because I’m a trauma survivor, my shields against the few things that really scare me are high. and in so […]

I think it’s all breaking down, and I think it specifically has to do with how children are being handled. People in my generation are reaching the age that the urge to have children gets really strong, but where I live the conditions for children are so bad it still manages to hold most of us back. Also, my city is really xenophobic, so immigration isn’t going to solve our labor problem either.

and this is an issue because trying to have kids is the only purpose I have left. There’s no career, no huge projects, very little else to look forward to.

My wife and I […]

I feel an obligation to end the story of a particular bad episode. Even if I’m only writing it for me, I want to recap from a calm stable place. Because I’m superstitious like that, I don’t like the only thing I put out being when I’m in extreme pain. I’m not me then, not the me I want to be.

It may be difficult to understand, but coming back up can be the scarier part of an episode. Yes, feeling better is scarier than feeling like death warmed over. This is because this is the only specific situation I’ve lost complete control. Usually, the worse […]