i don’t know but i just feel like i want to kill myself today.
it’s like sophia said on the golden girls, “if you kill yourself today, you can’t change your mind next week.”
i sort of feel like that, maybe a tiny bit, but i’ve just got this overwhelming feeling of dread, just picturing myself dead, like going under anesthesia and never waking up, or maybe falling from a great height so that it looks accidental. i feel like it is really the end of the road for me.
as i lay in my bed on this beautiful saturday morning, i couldn’t help but think.
i just do not want to be here anymore.
i had not one reason to leave my cocoon this morning. the only reason i got up out of bed, at 1 in the afternoon, was to use the washroom.
i wish i could talk about this, these feelings, with someone in real life without getting into trouble. i just do not want to be here anymore. i do not want to be in a hospital, but i do not want to be me, alone, in this apartment, anymore.
it’s just become way too […]
went out swing dancing tonight, one of the most positive and life affirming activities there is and i still want to kill myself.
i mean nothing to nobody and its just like, im a robot, existing, emotionless but on the precipice of tears, like there is something in me that’s like, get shit done before going to bed, and the bigger part saying, just kill yourself, kill yourself dead. it’s gotten so, so much louder in the past few days.
i feel like veronica sawyer in heathers just like been to hell and back, every fucking hour.
i wish i had someone to practice swing dancing with and sing some […]
sitting on my couch my stomach hurts my brain hurts im full of tears and anger and rage and hate and wind and shit and garbage and i just want to die
please someone come here and blow my brains out cut me up murder me i can’t do this anymore
this sucks this sucks this sucks this sucks
i hate life i hate life i hate life i hate life i can’t do this anymore i can’t do this anymore i can’t live i can’t live i can’t handle being here with myself alone and lonely i want to chop off all my limbs and organs and […]
this is a cry for help.
it’s not a yelp for attention, for sympathy, for flowers and hugs and cards.
it’s a plea, to see me, to notice that i exist.
i feel like the world is listing, tilting slowly towards the tipping point. i pray to god above that the earth will straighten itself out, and that all the anger and hate in me turns back into the love it once was.
i want to go to the hospital, but i have too many commitments in my life right now. actually, scratch that, i don’t want to go to the hospital; doing that is a sign that i […]
…and it made me want to commit suicide. yes, it was that bad that i have lost all faith in art, theatre, and humanity.
i applied two of my plays to this playwriting competition this year and last year, and got rejected both times. it sucked. last year, i was not able to see the final plays, but tonight i watched this year’s plays.
what. dreck.
the first play was kind of witty, making fun of crappy community college theatre that is up its own butt, poorly written and poorly acted.
the next 2 hours was basically…all the plays the first play was making fun of.
it was awful. i […]
i have so much to be grateful for, but i’m extremely depressed.
i have a great good okay life, i have food to eat, clean water, a roof over my head, clothes to wear, and money to spend.
i am just incredibly lonely.
every time i try to reach out, i get rejected, bitten, cast aside. in private and in public.
no one ever contacts me, unless they want/need something from me. i haven’t spoken a single word to a single person since i left work on thursday night.
according to the world, i have no feelings, no emotions, and deserve not one ounce of care from anyone other than myself.
if […]
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