as i lay in my bed on this beautiful saturday morning, i couldn’t help but think.
i just do not want to be here anymore.
i had not one reason to leave my cocoon this morning. the only reason i got up out of bed, at 1 in the afternoon, was to use the washroom.
i wish i could talk about this, these feelings, with someone in real life without getting into trouble. i just do not want to be here anymore. i do not want to be in a hospital, but i do not want to be me, alone, in this apartment, anymore.
it’s just become way too hard.
i am alone. that is the main crux of the situation. i am alone. i live alone. i eat alone. i sleep alone. i am somewhat addicted to social media. i have about 1800 “friends” on facebook, my social media drug of choice. i have a linkedin and a myspace, neither of which i ever check, and i do not have instagram, pinterest, or twitter. but i think that in the past month, while i’ve reached out to so many people, i think about 5 have responded to check up on me. in the past month. other than my parents. if i’m dead, how can i be any less alone? how can it be any worse, at all? please someone explain this to me. i feel so abandoned. why would abandoning myself be any worse?
i just want to exit this world and not come back. i am not afraid to die, it will happen to everyone. the only scary part is that i just reread that last sentence and i fully agree. the only thing that makes me feel worse is that i know, after i die, people will say “huh. what do you know.” and then just go back to their normal, without-me lives, like i didn’t exist at all. not a thing will change. it’s not a wonderful life. it’s not even a crappy life. it’s a useless, worthless life. i know that a lot of people will be angry, because i did not finish x y z for them but nobody, except maybe my parents, will actually shed a tear.
i am tired of all the world events that are happening around me. it’s all just too much to handle. this world is a horrible, sad place full of selfish people and that doesn’t look like it’s going to change any time soon. i do not want to be a part of it anymore. not one bit.
i just feel the silence invading me, like a knife. i feel like i am halfway dead already.
i just want to talk about this with somebody or something like that, maybe, i don’t know, because right now it does not seem like a bad option to eliminate all my other options. i’m dead serious.
7 comments
wow…you expressed your thoughts so flawlessly.. i am here to listen if you let me.. i felt this way just a week ago.. my thoughts have been rescued for now
thanks sportsnut. i’m just feeling so desperate and vulnerable right now. i keep reaching out but i’m getting absolutely nothing in return, from anyone other than my parents, and my significant other (who lives across the country, in medical school). i went outside, did some work, went to a get-together (which sucked), went to the gym, now home, still feeling so very empty inside.
i just don’t know how much longer i can hang on. it sucks that i can’t talk about this with anyone in my real life right now. i almost wish i taught at chicago state university instead of here so i’d have a reason to kill myself. horrible situation over there.
Hi I read your post I’m here if u want to talk I also no what it’s like to feel so alone and isolated
thanks drowning. what are you drowning in?
You express yourself better than anyone else I’ve known.
You seem like a person that has a lot on their minds, a lot to deal with.
You also seem like a wonderful person.
I may not know you, may never know you, will never know you,
but from reading that one post,
You seem like a person I’d love to know.
You seem like a person that just needs a friend; a support system, and after that, you have so much to offer to this world.
Look, I may know nothing about you, but theres one thing I know for sure,
I will end my life in a month.
I’m hopeless.
But what is one thing that (could’ve) changed my view? Could’ve altered the decision? Could’ve made things a bit better?
Having a friend.
Having someone there for me.
No friends, a family that I can’t talk to.
Nobody.
And nobody hurts.
We need a social support, everyone here on SP.
I have online social support, but, how long can that last?
I have no hope, I have no patience either, for hope or for life.
It’d take a great deal of time to create a friend and have social support, but I feel once you’ve reached that, you’ve reached a point of your life where things open up.
You, friend, sound like a person who can express yourself and have us listening.
Well I hope this helps, but,
I’m listening.
thanks, gt.
i agree with everything you said. things suck. online social support is kind of like a desert mirage. it looks tempting and seems and feels real, but ultimately it’s not, and it’s not a replacement for that real life connection that some of us like me just don’t get to have.
i don’t currently have a therapist, and i probably need one, but i have only limited time and money. i have a psychiatrist who is encouraging me to see a therapist, and also went to the university health center to get a referral, but things didn’t look too hopeful, good therapists are hard to find, i’ve probably gone through around 10-15 in my life, and i’ve had about 3 who i’d return to had i not moved away from that city/country. plus, my weekends are the problem, i’m incredibly lonely, and my weekdays are mostly jam packed, with classes and weekly meetings scheduled for most of monday-thursday, and friday reserved for errands.
i have some friends, but i don’t want to always make them my therapists, and i have a secret fear that they all actually hate me but are putting up with me because either a) they don’t want me to be mad at them, b) they want a favor down the road, or c) they feel sorry for me and don’t want to be responsible/feel responsible if something were to happen to me.
i feel like i’m just screaming into the void.
so um yeah, stick around if you want to talk too, i’m not sure how much longer i can/will, but that was a nice comment so thank you.
I feel the exact way hence why I’m on this site. I grew up with an abusive father who my mother still is married to. I have been living in LA for 17 years trying to chase my dream of working in the film industry. My best friend killed himself back 2010 and left me in his will. I had money but I lost it all. Since I couldn’t find anyone to hire me I used my money on other people’s movies for free. I’ve had a boyfriend for three years who is a nice man, but I feel he never has time for me because he is too busy helping everyone else and trying to make his own career in the film industry. My only other family are my grandparents but my grandmother is terminally ill with a brain tumor so I have been spending a lot of time out their place taking care of them, and while I’m there I keep hoping I will hear back from one of the many companies I have applied. I can’t even seem to find work as a temp. Nobody thinks for a second that I am in a living hell. My boyfriend watched me drink a whole bottle of wine last night and then have a nervous breakdown all morning. He left an hour ago to go meet with an investor that his friend in New York asked him to meet, because if the guy is able to invest than my boyfriend can make a movie and help his friend move back out here. Again I feel like a ghost. I kept believing things would get better. I tell myself everyday someone is going to email you, someone will be able to help. I also don’t have any money because I pay for my health insurance and spent a boat load a therapist. But again with no job and no inheritance left I am about to become homeless. I know we are all responsible for only ourselves and I have tried for years but I can’t I absolutely can no longer pick myself up off the ground.