It feels harder and harder to find comfort in anything. There is no one i find comfort or none that i know of that eases the pain. The distractions no longer seem to do their job. Family and friends that are supposed to lift you up make you feel in even smaller. Its amazing knowing that even with 7 biliion people in the world that you are insignificant even to the people who know you best. I dont want to be alive anymore
I realize that I can only fake being a human being for so long before i am discovered.
Things seemed better or at least I can trick myself enough to get through the day. There seemed to be enough noise so that I dont have to hear my own thoughts. Then something happens that stuns enough so that the outside is quiet again and I am right back in that dark place. It’s like the universe just won’t let me have my own self constructed abnormal little bit of peace.
I had no more illusions of real life except to get through each day until someone complains of the smell of a rotting corpse and finds me on a couch. I know in my […]
When I go to sleep, I find comfort in telling myself that for the next 8 hours I do not exist in this world. I am in fact dead to the world. I find it helps me sleep. It is just that gutpunch that I cannot get over that comes over me when I open my eyes. I wish I didnt have to wake.
I thought I had it all figured out. If I wait it out, I win in the end. After all there is no power that can keep me here for good. Plus if I don’t eat healthy, don’t exercise and treat my body like shit, that could knock off another 10-20 years. I was wrong. Even a year, a month, a day is still longer than I want to be here.
Even the carefully planned mask and fully fake happy face that I show the world is uravelling. I am still a coward so until they legalize suicide and I can go into a clinic, pay […]
I am going to Bed now feeling like I am going to let people down tommorow. I am paralyzed with facing what I have to at work. It is twice as bad because it is a job that I have grown to hate.
I just want things to end. I have one last debt to pay and then I will be square with the world. This job allows me to pay it but the job just erodes what is left of an already fractured spirit.
I want to die. That would also make me square with the world
I am going to die today.
I don’t have the courage to end it. I wish I did. I just figured that if I put those words out in the universe often enough, maybe it will somehow be real. Maybe the universe would just hear them and let it happen. Maybe I would finally be free.
I am going to die today
I don’t have the guts to do it. I have imagined it evey possible way but I am a coward. The good news is, it can’t go on forever. I am pushing forty and I have felt like this for most of those 39 years. All I gotta do is grin and bear it for at least 20-30 more years and I win either way.
I will be free of this. I will cease to exist in any shape or form. Time can finally correct the mistake that was my existence. That is the only comforting thought I have left.
I find myself not being able to catch my breath. Like a stranger just comes out with a punch to the gut. I am just moving along in this life trying to cope and maybe fool myself into thinking that I am putting one over on the rest of them. The them that seem to have it all together. The them that are capable of connection.
Then there is something, maybe something I see, I smell, I read, I dream or watch in a movie that just knocks the wind out of me. Maybe these little events show me a glimse of what could be if […]
I am 39 years old today. I always hoped and prayed i would never get this far, that something would happen or I would have the courage to end it. I never did. With each passing year more and more hope just dissipated that i would find someone and i am pretty sure that i am empty of what little hope there was. That really sucks because i still dont have the courage to end it.
So here i am, a shell of a human being, trying to fake being a person. There is just nothing left of me but genuine dispair. That is getting to […]
Im done. I just dont have the courage to end it and it frustrates me. I am just numb to the world and every day that passes just makes me feel less human and more numb. I am lonely but seem stuck this way as i seem unable to connect to anyone even at the most basic level. Socializing seems so foreign, it feels fake. I am tired. I was raised catholic and any faith i had has long since eroded. I wish it were just this one thing but it is not. It is a million tiny little things that just tells me i […]
I want to take my life but I am too scared to do it. I’m not scared of what happens after. That part seems more of a comfort than anything else. I am more afraid of the act, of the pain in whatever method I chose or the consequence of failure of the attempt. I’m afraid of ending up a vegetable or worse that the people closest to me actually see me and I have to look them in the eye to answer their questions.
I wish there were clinincs that we could go to. You just walk in, fill out some forms, pass an evaluation […]
I always knew how things were going to turn out. I didn’t quite know when but I knew how. I knew that if something didn’t happen that caused my death, It would happen by my hands. I honestly do not have the courage to do it and I admire the people who do. I just thought that if things got bad enough, I would find the courage. Though I have not yet found it, I feel that I am close.
I am convinced that I am loosing it. In the past couple of years, I have just become such an angry human being that I have […]