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Should I?

by hogpotter
written by hogpotter

Should I take the razor again? Should I bang my head against the wall again? Should I think of suicide again?

Why is life unfair to me? On and on I kept asking. Could it be due to my ignorance, my defiance? But it is still an open question for me, with more questionable answers. I have survived this long by embedding into my mindset that life is unfair and I must accept it. But I am asking again now… Why? Why is there nothing to do to but accept? Why must someone born to be so broken? Why must someone’s path be so crooked? […]

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What Would You Tell Your Past Self?

by hogpotter
written by hogpotter

If you had the one chance to meet your past self, may it be your 5-year old or 12-year old, or your last year self, which age would it be? And what would you tell him/her?

For me, if I could meet my 12 year old self, I would tell her,

“Be happy. There’s no need to be so sad… It won’t solve anything nor is it of any use. Smile, because everything will be just fine. When you’re as big as me you’ll look back and realize the beauty is much more meaningful compared to the pain.”

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To Angela

by hogpotter
written by hogpotter

By the time you read this again, we may or may not have been together. Somehow I feel like writing this letter to you. We have been through many things. I know you have cried a lot, lost many things, screamed a lot, and died many times. But I need you to know that you are my reason to hold on. You are my greatest treasure and everyday I pray that you will be safe, alive, and healthy. God knows how I have begged him to not let you feel alone, to give me the strength to make up to you what you have lost. […]

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I’ve decided to accept you

by hogpotter
written by hogpotter

I can’t find a way to let go of the darkness, can’t find a way to stop hating, can’t find a way to forget. I can’t let go of the memories that have placed a mark upon my soul.

I’ve decided to accept you the way you are. Things you have lost, things you don’t have. I’ve decided to accept you, and continue to live on.

I can’t find someone to love.

God,

will I be able to get married?

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REASONS WHY I SUCK (and not)

by hogpotter
written by hogpotter

I have been feeling down lately and bottling things a lot. I did something I’ve never done before. I took a sheet of paper and wrote down the title “REASONS WHY YOU SUCK”. Unexpectedly I wrote it very quickly, listing it all in points.

Then I cried.

And calmed down after a few minutes. Then, I looked at the list I wrote. I started writing again beside the points– this time, arguing against it. This is the result.

REASONS WHY YOU SUCK
1. You fail at everything. (you scored A* in your Alevels, got scholarship to China, won best speaker award in CIMA, scored 100 in […]

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Loss

by hogpotter
written by hogpotter

Today I have a loss again. Someone who I thought I loved and loved me back. Someone who I sacrificed for once upon a time. Someone who I fought for once upon a time. Someone who once upon a time gave me a reason to hold on. Someone who once made me feel warm. Someone for whose sake I picked up the pieces even though I was broken and left dead once.

But I don’t need anyone who doesn’t appreciate me, right? They don’t deserve me. And I myself don’t deserve to keep struggling stupidly for someone who doesn’t appreciate my efforts.

From now onwards I will […]

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I guess I’ll stop here

by hogpotter
written by hogpotter

I’ll stop trying to get close to anyone. I’ll stop trying to fit in. I’ll stop trying to find someone to stay by my side.

I can’t forget you. I keep hearing you whispering in my ears. Whenever I close my eyes, I still see you. I can’t accept anyone because I still remember you. What is the point of me trying to find someone else to stay with me, when I myself keep rejecting them? Why would I hope to find someone, if I know in the end I will leave them because they are not you? Why the hell would I pretend […]

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I’m sorry

by hogpotter
written by hogpotter

I’m sorry I can’t save you. I’m sorry I’m not smart enough. Not great enough. Not rich enough.

I’m sorry for being stupid enough to keep fighting a dying battle.

But you are my reason, and I’m sorry I keep holding on to that reason. I’m sorry I cannot forget you.

I’m sorry I couldnt save you.

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Am I the only one broken?

by hogpotter
written by hogpotter

Today in class we were doing an activity, we had to draw our family tree and discuss the interesting things about our family. And of course, you can guess already, it is the worst thing for someone as broken as me.

Others talked about their siblings, about what their parents do, their grandparents. Me? What is the interesting thing of my family? My grandmother attempted suicide, my father is dead, I do not regard my mother, I dont know where my cousin is brought away by her stepmother.

And people are so stupid. All of them. I hate everyone.

I feel […]

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University Life

by hogpotter
written by hogpotter

So I just entered university and everything feels kinda like a dream to me.

I have changed. 180 degress. I talk to people, I know many other freshmen, so many that I even forgot their names and dorm number. I am no longer the shy girl trapped in her room all the time. I only spend time in my dorm literally to sleep. My writing has even changed– it has become messier– I think it indicates a change in personality.

But I found out that still, a piece of me is missing. Like I left something behind.

One day I […]

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I want to know how many of you agree

by hogpotter
written by hogpotter

I want to know whether people actually share the same perspective of life like mine. Open for discussions. No arguments please, I respect all your opinions. I just want to know how many thinks the same way, I dont try to impose anything. Thank you.

1. After a while of trying and failing, you start wondering if the problem is your own self.

2. The God of this human world is money.

3. Humans are all trash. They say good things, say they love and care, but then they lie, they scheme, they betray, they backstab. Humans try to blame it on the evil but THEY are the […]

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Someone please teach me how to cope with loss

by hogpotter
written by hogpotter

So many dead bodies trailing behind me.

So many precious lives evaporating right in front of my eyes.

Another body is lying weak. It would be gone by tonight.

I dont know what to do,im crying as I tyoe this and I can bareky see the screen

How much loss can someone bear

Everything everyone is gone

Death heeps stealing them away from mh side

I dont knie what to do

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I Feel So Sad and Hurt

by hogpotter
written by hogpotter

In the silent night, I look back and think.

The people that have treated me badly… the ones that have wronged me… why are they living happily? Where is karma? I am locked behind this door while I keep hating, hating fate for being so unfair.

I feel really sad.

A thoroughly wounded soul, my scars and my pain, will never receive the fair treatment.

It’s just not fair.

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Shoutout: Thank you, Suicide Project

by hogpotter
written by hogpotter

This site has really helped me overcome my pain and suffering. I first joined on December 2012.

Currently I am officially free from depression and suicidal thoughts.

I will never, never forget all of you who were there during my darkest times to motivate me here on SP: (I don’t know whether you are reading this or not)

Amakua

Rocketman

RuinsOfTheVoid

SadBk

Dawg

And many many others!

Lastly, for B.N.Crazy, whose quote really opened my eyes: “no ones holding a gun to your head and saying i have to feel that way, so why am i?” This quote was the beginning of my decision to fight.

Thank you SP, this is the place I feel […]

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Too Much Loss

by hogpotter
written by hogpotter

It had been half a year since I came here on SP. Since then,I have found my true meaning of life. My life,my pain was the same; but I decided to fight and chase my dreams,and that has made all the difference. I have found my happiness and destination in life. There is no place in this world for those who refuse to fight, I say.

Last night my kitty died. I was playing and laughing with him even at sunset, but at night I found him lying lifeless on the street in front of my house. He must have been hit. It all happened so, […]

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I hate every people.

by hogpotter
written by hogpotter

I am currently burning in anger, hatred and despise.

All humans are evil beings who only think of themselves. I hate everyone. There is no freaking thing as friendship. I don’t care about relationships and all that bull.  You can’t even rely on your own parents.

I mean, come on. The woman who gave birth to me.

You can’t even rely on God.

In the end everyone will only move on by themselves.

And that is exactly what I’m gonna do. Once I am out of here in August I will freaking throw away all contacts and shits and move on. I will definitely do this for the rest of […]

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