im not quite sure whats wrong with me anymore. i fall apart so easily on little things. i do not fear death at all but when someone makes a shrewd comment to me about my scars i completely shut down. why?
the other day when hurricane sandy came through, i was with my uncle and a couple of his friends at an atv park. well it was really windy and and the weather was bad. i had gone inside the camper and just 5 seconds of me going inside a tree fell on the camper literally missing me by inches. i almost had my life […]
today was aweful. i felt like a complete screw up. i went to donate blood with my sister. so i get everything ready and im ready for them to do it. they told me to choose an arm . well i stuck out my arm and they saw my cutting scars. they wer like “ur not just doing this to feel the pain are u?” i was shocked and i felt soo judged. i wanted to die right then and there. i wanted to whither away in the wind. my sister came over to me and said i know ur ashamed of the scars and […]
i failed today. i picked up that knife and cut several times and opened several scars. its dissappointing. i was just so angry nd sad and frustrated that it overwhelmed me. i couldnt help myself and once i started doing it i couldnt stop. for a moment i was zoned out, completely lost to the world around me. i was just so focused onn cutting that i didnt bother to listen to the world i was in. i wanted to stop but i couldnt. afterwards i felt so much better though.
when i got the urge i tried to distract myself i tried using my […]
once again ive broken to pieces. how pathetic is that? im not suppose to break down. what the hell am i suppose to do? i just want to crawl into a dark hole away from everybody and just stay there. can i do that? no i cant. everytime i hide away i get dragged out and forced to face the fact that my life sucks. yea, sure there are plenty of things i can do to make it better, but it just seems pointless. everytime i try to do something that i want to do or that i think would be fun i get wierd […]
it feels as though im in a thick blanket of cold and darkness all alone with no one to help me. i have many people there for me, my friends, my boyfriend, even my sister, but it seems like their help is no use to me. i try to accept it, i try to explain to them how i am feeling but they fail to understand me. they dont get me and how i am and i feel. its as if me telling them everything is useless. i dont like telling them everything but they want to know and all i want is for them […]
ever since i started cutting and having suicidal thoughts, ive acted diferent. everyone picked up on it and with in a week everyone i knew, was aware of my depression problems. i get so aggravated and depressed when they follow me around and wont leave me alone. im not evem allowed to be in my room by myself. i guess this is all my fault. i dont understand them. im doing ok, yet they still follow me around. why? i know this is my fault, just another thing to pile up on my depression. i dont want them to be scared for me, it stresses […]
im alone. i want to be alone all the time now for reasons i do not know. i want a new life, one where i can start over. i want to end it all, more than anything. i dont think there is help for me out there. the fact is i dont want help. all the help theyre going to give me is pills. im tired of taking pills to make me happy. i should be able to be happy without taking any kind of pills. im uncommonly depressed. my friend and family stay away from me. they act as if i have some contagious […]
im so confused about my life right now. i honestly dont know what to do anymore. i came so close to ending my life. but i didnt do it. im not scared or afraid. but i welcome death like you would a good friend. no one understands me or how i feel even though they say that they do. they are just lies. they dont understand what i say or why i do things the way i do. they all try to help me but i dont want their help. i feel unworthy, unloved, uncared for, and misunderstood. i feel like i let everybody down. […]