What do I do when my mother tells me to go live with my father, but my father has been absent for 5 years? What am I supposed to do when non of my parents want to be fucking responsible for the human being they brought to this fucking world? Where do I go?
You might be invisible, but I can see you standing on every corner of my mind.
Do I report an invisible man?
Do I report a faceless and voiceless man?
I still remember what you did to me that year
That summer day where you ruin my life
I remember what you wanted to do with me
I remember everything, yet your face is still a blur
Who am I suppose to run from?
Who am I suppose to hide from?
I still feel you
I can feel how you pushed me against that house
Your hands were two, but they felt like two millions
millions of hands all over my body
Trying to rip my clothes off
Am I grateful to be here?
I still think about that
I sometimes wish you’d killed me
I have constant nightmares and panic attacks
I don’t know who you are but I hate you
I don’t know you name but I hate it
I close my eyes and you are there
I cross the street and you are there
It’s so ironic really
I sometimes think i’m still there
That I never got away from you
Maybe i’m still there and all my life it’s really a fantasy i’m having
Maybe my nightmares are not nightmares, they are real.
Maybe my life is not my life
Have you ever thought about doing something so unforgettable?
Something that you cannot fix after pulling the trigger.
This isn’t the kind of thing you can say “I’m sorry” afterwards because if you do it there won’t be nobody to say these words.
Well, what is it? You will have to figure it out since I can’t say those words out loud.
Sometimes I feel that my life is like a graveyard of buried hopes since that’s where all my dreams like to go.
It is getting harder to breath
Harder to sleep
Harder to think
Harder to live
It´s hard for me to explain how I feel but I guess that you would’ve realised by now that it’s no fun.
I feel I’m in conflict with everything
this is something I’ve been feeling a lot lately
I constantly feel out of place
and the things I create are the first to feel the consequences of that
I wanted to make this happy
To give it a happy ending
but happiness its an unknown thing for me
I don’t know what else to say
I guess I don’t like to write anymore
I don’t like to draw
I don’t like to do any of the things I used to
but this has been happening for a while now
I feel like I am at war with myself
and I’m afraid to tell you that I’m not gonna win.
I am afraid of people finding out the way I feel right now
They would treat me like my dad
When my family found out I could see it in their eyes
All the judgment there was
next year I’m supposed to go to college
but when somebody asks me what do I want to study I don’t know what to say to them.
I never thought that I would make it pass this age.
Don’t be confused, this isn’t a survivor story, I’m not happy to be here.
I feel so lost and they expect me to think of something to study next year but I don’t want to do anything with my life
I’ve never planned to turn 18 so my future is really foggy, to be honest
Depression creeps upon you quietly.
At the very beginning you struggle with the little things, but usually, choose to ignore them.
It’s like a headache.
You’ll tell yourself it’s temporary and it’ll pass.
It’s just another bad day.
But it’s not.
You are stuck in this state of mind.
You get used to putting on a social mask and you continue to live among other people because that’s what you have to do.
That’s what others do.
However, the problem does not go away.
You struggle to put on a play every day and it starts to cost you more and more.
That is why you fall even deeper and that’s when you slowly start to back away from friends and family, sometimes completely shutting them out.
All satisfaction is gone.
The little things that used to bring you joy are now worthless.
Even the simplest tasks become painful.
And that is why you lack motivation.
Now… Why would you keep on trying if nothing makes you happy anyway?
All of this makes you feel even worse and you get caught up in a vicious circle.
Suddenly you find yourself living in slow motion.
Days become indistinguishable…
Just white noise, just… heaviness, filling your mind and spilling over your body.
You feel as though you’ll never be happy again.
You continue to back away and destroy relationships.
You’re ashamed for everything you’ve done and everything you haven’t.
There is a part of you that wants to make things right.
A sudden positive upsurge makes you want to go out and meet people but… it’s all very short-lived because you know it won’t work anyway.
Things that make your friends excited leave you indifferent and you become aware of the huge gap that lies between you.
Another failure is not an option, so in the end, you choose to be alone in your comfort zone where no one asks any questions.
The low self esteem and the lack of purpose become unbearable.
You finally realize you can’t go on that way and two things can happen:
You either decide to get some help or you…. might attempt a suicide.
Is anybody out there?
Can anybody hear me?
I’m screaming for help
Please help me
I can’t see anything
I don’t know where I am
I’m just surrounded by darkness
Help me find myself because as time goes by I feel more lost
She took a deep breath,
She counted to three,
A picture in her head,
Of who they wanted her to be.
They wanted her to be normal,
Happy and kind.
They never thought,
That this girl would be blind.
Not blind by meaning,
But blind in the heart.
Blinded by darkness,
Blinded by dark.
She walks around lifeless,
Her heart is beating but she feels dead.
A walking corpse.
She is lost inside her heart.
Things have no meaning,
At least not anymore.
She was not how she was once before.
She is one of the livings,
But one of the deads.
A part of her is missing.
She hangs on by a thread.
She hung her head low,
took one final bow.
She stepped off the edge,
Saying one final vow
“I will not change who I am.
As hard as any of you try,
This is me giving up,
This is one las goodbye”.
I lay here hopelessly upon my bed
where words seem to fall yet,
they never seem to leave my head
where I sit behind a colourless screen and constantly keep falling in and out of a bad dream.
The net I cast to set me free only ended up tying me up,
threatening to snap at the feel of a touch,
an emotion which is all controlled by the only constant friend,
who whispers in my ears and slowly cripples my self-esteem.
Is this the end?
It feels like I’m dying,
the comfort of my friends only seems to hurt me.
It hurts me to see them happy and free,
I try to feel but in that process, my mind wanders
I feel empty and alone.
I’m trying to function this dysfunctional vessel I try to call ME.
If I showed my true colors, what would society think?
Would they laugh, show pity, or read the ink?
I’m exhausted from smiling every single day
When I know the pain won’t just go away.
Every night I cannot sleep
Because my thoughts run so deep.
They went out for a stroll
But got sucked into a black hole.
My focus is no longer there, anywhere.
I don’t know why I’m like this, I swear.
It seems like I’m just well-dressed.
That just means how much I’m stressed.
My friends all laugh and hang around.
You don’t need water to be drowned.
This darkness beneath consumes my mind.
It’s like I’m living my life blind.
On the outside I’m holding it together,
But it’s as unpredictable as the weather.
“How are you?” “I’m fine.”
But the truth lies between the lines.
It’s like being on Mars and trying to breathe air.
When they talk about the future, I don’t really care.
You say to suck it up and to be strong,
But little do you know what exactly is wrong.
My life is forever altered because of this.
That cheerful 5 year old is who I miss.
This is war; you either win or die trying.
You speak the truth or continue lying.
The changes were all so very subtle; I don’t blame you for not seeing,
But what you don’t understand is that I’m a human being.
The truth is you wouldn’t last if this was in your brain,
But I’ve found a way to numb the pain.
I have to fight my mind every single second,
But that’s only because this thing had beckoned.
I wouldn’t ever choose to feel this way; these were the cards I was dealt.
My only wish is that more people would understand how we felt.
Sometimes a glimpse of wonder wanders on over,
But it’s as rare as finding a four leaf clover.
Monsters don’t live under our beds.
They scream inside of our heads.
Still, I live with the hope that one day I will win.
I will defeat the monster that’s under my skin.
Who am I you may ask? How can I tell you who I am if I don’t even know myself?
I don’t know who I am today
I know who I used to be
I miss her
Her smile and determination
Her drive and passion
Her eyes filled with energy
That girl could dream a dream though
They were so vivid, colorful and plentiful
Today I dream the same dream over and over again, only it’s a nightmare now
It always ends in unforgiving darkness as I realize that I’m imprisoned. Chained and weighed down by the mighty unrelenting force of my own mind
But she is gone, she died a long time ago
Right now I am one in 7.5 billion, a mere blip on the horizon of all of mankind, an individual
I am the shy one, the one that’s always thinking yet never speaking
I am a girl that doesn’t know what to do with her life
I’ve heard someone say to follow the life of a person who inspires you or you want to emulate yet I can’t find a single person i want to emulate
I thought we were taught to be ourselves but what if we don’t know ourselves? Are we just another imitation of someone who has passed before us?
I am a living disappointment
I am the friend that jokes about dying
I am a sister
I am a daughter abandoned by his father
I am the girl that cries every night for reasons I don’t even understand
I am the girl who sits at the back
The one with the tired eyes
I am the forgotten friend
Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and all
But they don’t truly know me
I mean, I’ve told you things that nobody knows
I know this doesn’t define me
But when I think of myself all I see is sadness
This is more than the sadness you and me know
This is emotional absence
I can feel my life passing by
I see everyone doing great thing with their life
Yet i’m trapped, stuck in my own mind
I apologise if this isn’t the happy poem you were expecting
But I haven’t been happy for a long time now
I know all of this doesn’t make sense but neither does my mind
It’s all jumbled up and I can’t seem to get anything right
And now that you know all my secrets, can you tell me who am I?
H A P P Y
H A P P
Y aren’t I
H A P P
Y don’t I want to go outside?
Sunshine used to make me
H A P P
Y does it now sting my creaking mind?
H A P P
Y is my room such a mess if I can’t even get out of bed where I spin dreams of HAHAHA happiness, a heavy heaving chest
I’m so incredibly un
H A P P
Y now I can’t even smile?
Now at least not on the inside
How can my brain spell so well but my body can’t make a smile out of the letters
H A P P
Y am I avoiding my friends?
Staring at texts saying “I miss U” N H A P P
Y is my world out of focus?
I can’t cut through this blurriness
The caffeine makes me nervous and tired X 10
I’m starting to think I deserve this
Yes of course because happiness doesn’t happen without sadness so I must be sad first if I ever want to be
H A P P but Y does it feel like a crushing blow?
This is more than the sadness you and me know
This is emotional absence and the letters keep getting jumbled up in my mind
Y A H P Please teach me how to feel deeply, I want to get out of this rut
Maybe if I work hard enough, distract myself and laugh enough I will finally feel H A P P Y