jael85

And so the end becomes the beginning becomes the end and so forth…The cycle has to STOP! Please make it stop!

I said I wasn’t going to post a last post. I don’t know why I am other than the fact that I shut my email off again. This is not about anyone but me.  I have been up many nights trying to figure out the best way to do this.This should not even be as difficult as it was before. Thank you to those that gave me your time and attention.

I wrote that not too long ago. But that’s not true anymore. I let my mind get the best of me. I let my mind win. I just need to let go. Finally give in.

Me. I caused my life to be this way. I am defective. I was given choices and I may not have always made the right choice. But from those choices, good or bad, right or wrong, I am here. Here is not a good place.  I am sorry, my head is a bit messed up tonight thinking too much about the choices I made in my life. I need a distraction.

It is the unloaded gun that I keep putting to my head. I want to feel what I felt the other night. The surge of emotions, the rush, that fled through me when I did not know the outcome. When I didn’t know that in that moment it might be my last breath, my last tears. With the gun unloaded, I know the outcome. I will live. I will live until I know that I can load the gun again. I need something that I cannot get out of life any longer. But I keep going, I keep trying because I am strong. I am stronger […]

Is so hard to get through. But not when you have already survived one of the worst nights ever and so much more. Good night, die right, there is peace in sight.

Seems like today everything is sort of coming at me.  Reality of the past few days is setting in, I am not sure why now.  Everything is taunting me. The guns, my life.  I am trying to make it through each day and on to the next big thing.

This is just a glance into my life so far, long story short.

My parents left me at age 4. I remember them a little, what they looked like, their names.  I am not sure what happened to them at that time. No one spoke about it. I don’t remember asking really. I was passed around to friends of theirs that would help take me in.

Eventually I was raised by a single male family friend from around the age of 6 on. I haven’t seen my parents since the age of 4. The male friend (I called dad) that raised me molested, raped, abused me, starved me, locked me up at times most […]

Last night the gun did not go off the first time. But I got this far and I’m afraid to not go through with it. I was looking for a sign yesterday and said if the gun did not go off the first time, I would take that as a sign to live another day. Now I am sitting here in the hotel wondering if I should go ahead or give life another chance.  Was that my sign????

Night is rapidly falling upon me. My night is here.  My thoughts are shaking in the dark. Here is my dilemma.  I guess it’s not really a game of russian roulette when you load the gun completely. Maybe if it doesn’t go off in my head the first time, I’ll take that as a sign and as another chance for another day to live.

Do non-suicidal  people feel like they did/do a “good deed” by “helping” others?  I mean what’s the agenda here?

Or

Are you guys ginuine people that want to help and be a part of people’s lives?  To actually try to understand and not push a bunch of shit up someone’s ass?

I guess I do not understand if you feel like you have to save us for you, or save us for some other reason.

 Anyone may comment but the question is for understanding of non-suicidal participants on this site.

Blow out the candles, the time has come.  On to the next life, hopefully it’s a better one.

no one’s there for me.  If I am relying on myself, I’m screwed.