Author

jasal

i fucked up my arm last night. it still feels tingly and weird (and painful), and i think it’s still bleeding… i’m so fucked if i need stitches. i just wanted to see the blood drip. i didn’t want to mess my arm up like this.

in other news, i haven’t seen or spoken to my family in a week, and even though it was my choice to isolate myself, i still feel like crap. hearing them laugh and get along just fine without me, no concern whether i’m dead or not in this tiny room… i mean, this is what i wanted. i don’t want […]

2/1/2016 3 comments

[tw: self-harm] new ways to harm myself

by jasal 1/31/2016

written by jasal

(yeah it might be silly to include a trigger warning on a site about suicide, but this is a little outside of the normal realm of discussion, and i don’t want to ruin anyone’s day by triggering them.)

i’m thinking about buying cigarettes. i’ve never smoked one in my life, but suddenly i have the urge to. i think it’s because self-harming (i.e. cutting and/or beating) isn’t helping anymore, not like it used to. usually when i self-harm, my urge to kill myself lessens, loses its edge. but this time, i feel the same. i still feel like the floor is coming apart under me, like […]

1/31/2016 8 comments

stream of conciousness

by jasal 1/27/2016

written by jasal

everyone tells me to be better. to be a functional human being. to be normal. is it so hard for them to see i can’t? what normal person sleeps constantly, isolates themselves in their room, goes the whole day without eating or speaking to anyone?? but they think it’s because i’m lazy, selfish. normally i am not one to feel sorry for myself regarding my mental illnesses, but they fucking exist. they exist, and they’re crippling me right now, but instead of anyone trying to help, they demonize me and wish i wasn’t such a burden on them. don’t they understand i stay away so […]

1/27/2016 4 comments

:\

by jasal 1/26/2016

written by jasal

i’m scared of going to hell. it’s honestly one of the reasons i haven’t killed myself yet. it probably sounds really silly to anyone who doesn’t believe in it…but i’m going to ask that you don’t mock me for this fear…

although sometimes i think i deserve to burn forever. and to be honest, i’m probably going to hell anyway, whether that be in 60 years when i die a natural death or right this very moment.

1/26/2016 12 comments

trapped

by jasal 1/25/2016

written by jasal

i am trapped between suicide and survival. i want to die because i cannot live. but there are so many obstacles, and i am so tired… i don’t want to do anything substantial. i want to lay on the road and let someone else do all the work, but that would be incredibly selfish of me. (i know we’re not supposed to talk about methods, but that’s also a terrible method. don’t try it.) i want to fall asleep in the tub. sometimes i think about driving to the ocean and swimming until i can’t anymore, but i’m too afraid of the water. i feel […]

1/25/2016 3 comments

n o b o d y c a r e s

by jasal 1/13/2016

written by jasal

it doesn’t feel like they do, anyway.

i want to make everyone hate me so i can kill myself in peace.

1/13/2016 2 comments

disordered eating

by jasal 12/18/2015

written by jasal

I don’t have an eating disorder, but I do use starvation as a form of self-harm. The pain and weakness that come with intense hunger are gratifying in a sick, sick way. Hunger is one part punishment, one part distraction. I deserve to suffer this way, and the suffering keeps my mind off of how terrible I feel emotionally.

I haven’t had a full meal in 3 days and have been sleeping through dinner. The best part is that no one in my family cares. I told you. I deserve this. No one in this house would care if I rotted away. I should really just […]

12/18/2015 4 comments

relax and relapse

by jasal 12/16/2015

written by jasal

I’m falling back into all of my old habits. Starving myself, self-harming, isolating myself, and lying about my state of mind. Ha. I want to sink into the floor and die.

12/16/2015 2 comments

whomp whomp

by jasal 12/14/2015

written by jasal

Apparently I post on this site every 6 or so months when my suicidal ideation hits an all-time high. Funny how that coincides with the schedule for final exams. Today I actually wrote down a step-by-step checklist for everything I need to do in order to kill myself, including all of the necessary preparations regarding my belongings and funeral arrangements. The list is remarkably coherent and logical despite the fact that I wrote it during an intensely hysteric episode.

I already tried to stop myself from ideating and plotting. I read those “X Reasons Not To Kill Yourself” lists and the like, but I found it […]

12/14/2015 1 comment

ha ha ha

by jasal 12/14/2015

written by jasal

tfw your loved one tells you you can magically stop being suicidal by going to church and reading the bible.

what an overused punchline.

12/14/2015 9 comments

Welp. I tried.

by jasal 5/12/2015

written by jasal

I was really excited to try this service, since my family dislikes therapy and thinks I’m “cured” of depression/anxiety. Too bad.

5/12/2015 2 comments

What should I do with social media?

by jasal 1/2/2015

written by jasal

I am going to kill myself soon. I have a question, however? Would it be better to delete my social media accounts completely before I commit the deed, or should I leave some of them for my family to do with as they please? (I also kind of wanted to keep my writing blog up as some sort of…I don’t know, testament to how much I loved creative writing.)

So, would it better to wholly erase my online identity–photos, videos, etc.? Would that lessen my family’s pain, since they would have less reminders of me after I die? Or would it better to let them decide […]

1/2/2015 4 comments

People hurt.

by jasal 12/29/2014

written by jasal

They really do. They hurt so much that sometimes I really wish I could be all alone in this world. I wish I had no family or friends, that I could live entirely on my own. And sometimes I envision a future where that’s how I really live. Phone calls to my parents, occasionally, gifts mailed out during the holidays to some of my relatives, but nothing more than those few interactions. Nothing face-to-face or substantial. The only downside to this grand future is that I am inherently extroverted, and isolation feeds my depression and anxiety and ultimately makes me feel worse. I need people […]

12/29/2014 0 comment

A suicide note to my parents.

by jasal 12/18/2014

written by jasal

(When I kill myself, I’m going to tell my parents to say it was an accident. It’s better that way. They won’t be blamed or shamed by a cultural community that doesn’t understand or accept mental illness. They won’t be asked where they went wrong with me, what mistakes they made in raising me, or any other bullshit like that.)

I’m so sorry, Mom and Dad. Don’t tell anyone the truth. Say it was an accident. I don’t want you to be ostracized for my selfish decision. I know you despise lying, but please lie for all of our sakes. I don’t care what they would […]

12/18/2014 2 comments

Thank you for understanding and caring.

by jasal 12/16/2014

written by jasal

These days it seems you guys are the only ones who do. Thank you.

12/16/2014 1 comment

Self-Harm and Running Out of Options

by jasal 12/15/2014

written by jasal

I thought I had brought a blade with me on my trip out of town, but I can’t find it where I thought I put it. I really, really have the urge to self-harm right now, but that blade is my only inconspicuous method…or at least it was supposed to be. In a house with other occupants, I can’t utilize any of my other methods without attracting attention. You might be thinking that it’s better that I don’t self-harm, and I recognize what a bad habit it is…but it helps stop suicidal ideation. It helps me feel a bit better when I’m at my lowest […]

12/15/2014 3 comments

If only I were selfish enough.

by jasal 12/9/2014

written by jasal

I’ve been on this site a lot recently. I like it here, because it allows me to scream into the void of internet anonymity within a community of like-minded individuals who will essentially scream with me. If only our commonalities weren’t so awful, you know? If only this were a site for kitten enthusiasts or people with an overabundance of zest for life instead of, well, what it is.

I looked through some of the “My Suicide Note” posts, and it was surreal reading what people intended as their final words. It was even more surreal when they didn’t come back and say they’d failed their […]

12/9/2014 17 comments

Suicidal Over My GPA

by jasal 12/8/2014

written by jasal

I didn’t realize I would write so much. TLDR: I’m doing poorly in my classes, I’ve relapsed pretty hard in terms of mental illness and self-harm, and I really, really want to stop the pain and disappointment and just kill myself, etc. etc.

(Fair warning, this entire post is very melodramatic.)

I am that horrible student who cannot accept anything less than an A. I am that piece of shit that needs a 4.0 to feel any sort of self-worth. I can’t even blame my parents anymore for this horrible mentality because I am not a child anymore. I am nearly 20, and though they care about […]

12/8/2014 8 comments

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

by jasal 11/30/2014

written by jasal

I hate myself. I hate my mind. I hate how it warps my sources of happiness into sources of anguish. All of the people and passions that made life worth living now make life unbearable. I can’t trust anyone, not because I’ve been hurt, but because I am paranoid and afraid. I don’t want to disappoint them or make them hate me. Because my mind is so twisted, I will take their most minute actions and scrutinize them…fabricate reasons why they might hate and despise me. I tell myself my family only stays with me out of pity. I tell myself that former friends are […]

11/30/2014 5 comments

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