(yeah it might be silly to include a trigger warning on a site about suicide, but this is a little outside of the normal realm of discussion, and i don’t want to ruin anyone’s day by triggering them.)
i’m thinking about buying cigarettes. i’ve never smoked one in my life, but suddenly i have the urge to. i think it’s because self-harming (i.e. cutting and/or beating) isn’t helping anymore, not like it used to. usually when i self-harm, my urge to kill myself lessens, loses its edge. but this time, i feel the same. i still feel like the floor is coming apart under me, like the void of my own emptiness is going to swallow me up for good. i don’t know how cigarettes factor into the equation, but i crave them. maybe it’s like how i view alcohol, a tool to hurt my body in the long run, something that will slowly ruin me, destroy my body. i read advice about that once, on slowly killing yourself. maybe that’s the way i’ll go. at the very least, i can burn myself with the lighter.
8 comments
this is a very intriguing way to kill yourself. You know the major cause of slowing dying is being born.
Still, self destruction via all kinds of vices was my m3thod of choice for years. I still miss smoking, gosh how I loved smoking. And then binge drinking. Not sure how I feel about that although when I’m in the middle of a good and sopping drunk I feel like I can take over the world.
I don’t see any triggers to speak of. There are folks here, myself included, that get into some pretty graphic details in their posts and comments. Thank you for sharing this. I’ll be on and off all night if you want to chat some here.
jasal,
ha ha! i smoke and yes it will probably kill me and i know that, but you don’t have to smoke because something will kill you anyways i guarantee it, the thing is smoking has taken a toll on the quality of my life i wouldn’t advise you to make things worse while your still alive.
I always wanted to use alcohol as a method of escape.
Sadly I’m too young.
But its weird because, the alcohol, cutting, hurting, etc., all end up being methods that “keep us alive,” really, even though they are risky, and in the end damaging.
But had it not been for the cutting, I would’ve found another permanent escape.
These are our temporary escapes, and I have also realized that cutting is too plain and boring.
I need something else to “keep me alive.”
GTS: How old are you if I may ask?
16, turning 17 in two months. Thats when the “special date,” is set.
So seventeen is your exit date? I remember 17. I hated the world and loved the world. I hated everyone around me and myself and loved it as well. I was a trainwreck of feelings daily with no one to talk to. Yeah I get it. I get the needed to just give up and let some lethality take its course.
However, and this is just a suggestion, why not wait until you can just leave your parents house? Get in a car and go to a big city, or the ocean, the woods. Big Bend State Park? Yellowstone? The pyramids? Why not? I mean if you plan on dying anyway, why not check everything off your bucket list, including taking some crazy chances, like telling that person you like them (the answer doesn’t matter after all, you already have your exit plan right?) Just start checking shit off, even stuff for other people, I mean what the hell right?
Possibly along the way you might find a reason to extend your date of expiration?
…I think I just don’t,
“care.”
I don’t really.
And if I can’t get myself to even eat or move sometimes, how can I possible check off a list.
Its anxiety too.
My “used-to-be” friend once suggested I “get a hobby.”
But what more can I say that, hobbies truly scare me?
They terrify me.
That maybe I’ll never be good enough, it also has to be perfectly done or else..
Or else my brain and thoughts get to me.
However, you seem like a very interesting person to talk to.
I enjoyed reading your suggestion, it just wont make me budge.
You’re life seems interesting.
i think i really messed up i cut too deep and fuck i think i mseessed up