I’ve been on this site a lot recently. I like it here, because it allows me to scream into the void of internet anonymity within a community of like-minded individuals who will essentially scream with me. If only our commonalities weren’t so awful, you know? If only this were a site for kitten enthusiasts or people with an overabundance of zest for life instead of, well, what it is.
I looked through some of the “My Suicide Note” posts, and it was surreal reading what people intended as their final words. It was even more surreal when they didn’t come back and say they’d failed their attempt, implying that they’d… I mean, we can never know anything for sure in an anonymous space like this, right? (Or is that just my brain trying to deny the reality of suicide?) I bring this up because I cannot count how many suicide note drafts I’ve written over the years. I think I wrote my first one when I was 11 or 12. I started writing a new one a few days ago, but I couldn’t get through it. I rarely can get through a whole draft before I break down and cry and become utterly nonfunctional.
It’s the guilt, you know? The guilt of causing others pain. As much as I tell myself that no one loves me, I know that my death would affect at least a few people. The thought of my mother, who herself has depressive tendencies, enduring my suicide… I cannot picture her reaction in good conscience. And she has sacrificed so much for me; I would be wasting all of her efforts. Also, I would feel guilty for whoever finds my body or has to investigate and/or clean up the scene, which, depending on the method I chose, may or may not be completely traumatizing to glance at, much less analyze. It really blows that the most lethal methods of suicide also happen to be the messiest.
They say that suicide is one of the most selfish acts a person can commit, but I think it depends on the specific person and the circumstances of their life to determine how selfish it really is. Unfortunately, in my case, it would be incredibly selfish to kill myself. I’ve thought, a few times, that I might finally off myself after my parents die. That may take years and years…but at least the two people I would hurt the most would no longer be around to feel hurt? But the thought of enduring upwards of three or four decades to finally end my life sounds agonizing. I don’t want to wait that long.
I want to take the proverbial leap right now, but I’m not selfish enough. I wish I was.
17 comments
This is scary how similar your thought pattern is to mine. I’ve been telling myself that I’ll take the leap when my parents die, as I can’t overcome the guilt either of leaving them behind with the pain of losing a child. But I’d still affect my brother and sister, and whoever would have to dispose of my body, so instead I keep “trucking on” as they say. If you ever want to talk, let me know. I’m sorry you’re in this depression, and I too wish this was instead a kitten site 😛
My only sibling is much, much older than me, and our relationship is strained, so I cannot say I’d feel the same guilt with him, as awful as that might sound. I’m glad you have family who loves you and vice versa, however. Keep trucking on, indeed…
My parents are dead. They’ve been dead since I was five. Ever since I have been in foster care and have tried to kill myself alot but never succeeded. I need to do it. I’m sick of being passed from family to family with no one who actually cares. Dies anybody have any tips
When my mum is gone, I think that will be the final key to unlocking the door. She’s the only one who would be left to care. Once she’s gone, my life would literally become nothing at all. She has suffered with depression herself and she can’t stand the thought of leaving me with my own troubles or me wanting to end my own life. In honesty, I don’t – I don’t want to die. I just want everything else to not exist. To be quiet and still.
I don’t consider it a selfish act to end ones life however. No matter what commitments or relationships you may have. Each and every one of us has the right to death, as we all will eventually, and nothing truly should stand in the way of whether we choose to or we let it come about naturally.
It may be true that we have ownership of our lives and may do with them what we please…but it’s not really the breaking of any moralistic rules that I’m concerned with. I really just don’t want to hurt anyone. I know that if I kill myself, I will cause a few people in my life pain. That guilt is a very powerful deterrent.
If you feel that you will cause others pain in dying, then you’ve something to live for. These people obviously care about you in order for you to care about them, and I cannot help but think; if these people you hold on to are so worth doing so, are they doing anything to help your situation?
But life spent living for the sake of other people isn’t fun either. I feel like I’m trapped by them. And I don’t know…we don’t talk about mental health and suicide in my family. It’s a cultural thing. My close friends are all far away, and I’ve had difficulty making new ones during the transition to university too, so I don’t have many people to talk to or seek help from.
I hope, while you wait, you find happiness and plenty of other reasons to go on living. 🙂
Thank you for the positivity.
I feel like we are basically the same person you should read cowardly??? I wrote it and I think me and you think a lot so this is so similar to your story.
You are so right, we are definitely thinking the same thoughts. Sorry it took so long to reply, I’m new to the site and I’m still wandering around it. BUT, it’s nice to know my thoughts aren’t alone, at least.
That’s the great/bad thing about this site. You discover that many people share your sentiments or experiences, and you can commiserate with them…but it is also horrible to discover that so many people feel just as bad, yanno? A weird double-edged sword.
greetings and welcome, love kittens, prefer dogs. me thinks all of us has a zest for life or we would not be on this site. the anonymity allows us to scream, cry, *****,moan, and say what we feel without being hauled off and locked away for 72 hours. to be able to vent all that angst is freeing. dont know the hows or whys and dont care. ill take any relief from depression any way i can get. this site is full of wonderful, informative, intellagent, talented, funny people,with major depression and anger issues. it is a great tool and the best help i have found in years
I’m gradually discovering the merits of this site, yes. It’s nice to confess my secret feelings and have people tell me they can relate or give me words of encouragement… A lot of pent-up emotions and thoughts are slowly flowing out, and I do feel a little better.
I do too but it’s not enough to make me stay in this fucked up world
I can’t pretend to understand the pain you’ve experienced…so I can only hope that you find some sort of peace.
It’s such a dilemma to want to end the pain in your life, but to know that by doing so will cause pain in those we love. I suppose with the total collapse in any hope in life will force a suicide regaredless of the consequences. I pretend, like you, that nobody will care, they’ll get over it, but I know it isn’t that simple. Should I care as I won’t be around to see what happens, is that selfish, idk. I’ve read about those left behind on another site, for the bereaved from suicide, and it’s difficult reading, especially when it’s a parent who dies. Should that stop us from going ahead, well, if no child dependents (that another thing), then it probably shouldn’t stop us. It’s our life to end, but if there is a worry about those left behind, it’s important to get all the help we can first, to try our best to overcome the problems that take us to the point of suicide.