I hate myself. I hate my mind. I hate how it warps my sources of happiness into sources of anguish. All of the people and passions that made life worth living now make life unbearable. I can’t trust anyone, not because I’ve been hurt, but because I am paranoid and afraid. I don’t want to disappoint them or make them hate me. Because my mind is so twisted, I will take their most minute actions and scrutinize them…fabricate reasons why they might hate and despise me. I tell myself my family only stays with me out of pity. I tell myself that former friends are proof that people will ultimately grow tired of me, that I annoy everyone. And even if I know I am doing this to myself…I still believe it.
Hobbies that once gave my joy no longer do so. Every passion I’ve had, I can no longer bear to think about. I am lazy and untalented. Everything is a waste of time because I am a waste of a human being.
I cried for hours last night. I do not know if I can last much longer. Depression and anxiety are eating away at my soul. I think about my future and see nothing but a black hole. I wonder if I will even survive to my 20th birthday.
5 comments
One moment i liked to do almost everything, and now i’ll never care about them again. i feel you.
I hear what you’re saying. Ditto on this end.
I feel you. I managed to get to 26 but I’m really tired of being alive and wish it was just over. Don’t want to waste anybody’s time and resources anymore.
Did you read my mind and write this? Because I swear this is me in a nutshell. And knowing how I feel, I wish you didn’t have to feel this way. That’s pretty shitty, and I wish I could help. I wish anything would help. I don’t really know how anyone survives in this world.
I empathize with you strongly… and, though I don’t know you, I wish I could hug you and say “everything is going to be ok”. My heart goes out to you