i know i said im not ever going to post here again… but too much has happened since i decided not to post here anymore and im just absolutely terrified of every option i have as of this point… i’ve been so stressed out over the past two/three weeks and i’ve come to having panic attacks more than two times a day, almost every single day. first thing, Sunday night two/three weeks ago i was really struggling and i talked to one of my friends and she came to the conclusion that i was contemplating suicide, even though i didn’t say that exactly. so Monday […]
im never posting on here again…
i had been rying to keep that im suicidal from my mom but now she knows…Â and so does my therapist… they both want me on meds but they can’t give them to me unless i say i want them because im 16 now. i hate my mom knowing… shes confronted me twice about it now and she just found out last night. i don’t know if things will be better at all but right now im not sure that anyone else knowing would help… im so lost and confused…
im dying inside… everyday in the pain i face… but its not enough to kill me… i’ve tried but i can never do it and i scare myself so much trying to hold on to what i have… my problem isn’t that im not loved because i know i am… i couldn’t stand causing someone to go through the pain i am… but yet i cling to that one option and i don’t want to do it… but its my only way out now
I felt as if I let go of myself that my whole world would fall apart. I closed my eyes to try to block out my surroundings. An old memory floated to the front of my ming. Soon afterward, i was enveloped in it. I was seven, approaching the eve of my eighth birthday. I was in Chamber 5, my dorm, with my roommate, 219265, and she had thought to make me something, which was against the Protocall. She had said that she had taken over a month to complete it, under complete secrecy. She handed me a small parcel, which was poorly wrapped with paper and scraps of cloth taken from sheets. I […]
god i fucking hate how everyone i trust leaves me or betrays me… im never going to trust anyone again so that i won’t have the chance to get hurt
i just want everything to stop.. come to an end i don’t care how, i just want it gone… i’m scared and all i feel is emptiness and sadness and i want it gone i hate pain, sadness and emptiness.
There is this man who once abused my sister at age 13. This man had never laid a hand on me. Then one day, my sister did something that got her sent off. This man had no one to take his anger out on… he wouldn’t touch two innocent young boys, or a fragile schizophrenic mother, no he went for me, the broken, depressed child. This man has called me many things, *****, dumb ass, liar, mother fucker, slut… This man one day got mad and took me and slapped my face, then slammed me up against the wall, which was with such force […]
I am suffering through this because my niece… she used to bring some light into my world but because i cant feel anything but saddness and fear anymore, im not sure if i love her…shes only one year old right now and i cant leave her be because she needs me, she has actually called me mommy and i cant stand […]
I am surrounded by darkness its hands always reach for me and caputre me… i cant escape… theres no way out, no light at the end of the tunnel i used to believe there was a way out but now i see that there isnt… i no longer run from all the pain i feel,i let it overtake me because im
For some strange reason, all ive thought about today is my mom. She was diagnosed with schizophrenia about 6 years ago, and since then, she hasnt been the same. She functions fairly normally, but she seems sad a lot. She gets happy, but it dissapears really fast. I worry about her a lot because she doesnt eat a lot and shes extremely OCD about her food. We cant go near her while shes eating or she wont eat her food. She rarely eats everything she makes and always gives the remainder of her food away. Shes always extremely stressed. When shes mad or upset she […]
The voices are inside my head constantly, they’re always screaming at me, you’re no good, why are you still alive… you have nothing to live for, you should kill yourself because you’re unimportant, you know you want to kill yourrself…why not do it,you’re fat you dont need to eat, DIE, DIE, DIE…
I hate the voices so much, i try so hard not to listen, but they’re so loud and are always screaming these things at me repetedly. They wont stop.
I honestly cant take this anymore i dont feel like im worth enough to get up every day and pretend that im happy and ok just because no one around me understands my situation. I hate carrying on through all the pain and hoplessness. I have come close to commiting suicide numerous times and actually attempted it a couple times. I even have gone so far as to write a suicide note. I feel worthless and when i look into the future i dont see myself in it. I am not worth enough to keep fighting for something I’ll never acheive… nothing is worth fighting […]
I hate how people joke about dying or someone killing themselves… it is not funny and is in no way something to joke about… those jokes are all i hear anymore and it makes me mad that they think of it as a joke ugggh i hate people….
Why must i always feel this way? I wake up every morning wishing i would die. Icant stand being like this everyday. I go through my day planning new ways to kill myself, and i fight to control myself.
Ugh… oded on some meds yesterday and stilll feel bad… id think i woulda learned last time
So recently ive delveloped a habit of biting myself… i cant seem to stop doingit for anything. I think i actually about broke my finger doing it.
There are so many things that i want to do but i don’t want to do them at the same time. What do i really want anymore? It drives me crazy to be constantly at war with myself,everyday I wake up and wish i hadn’t. Then later on in the day i fight my suicidal thoghts because imafraid of dying and its a neverending cycle. I can’t escape it and it makes me feel torn apart and like i’m going to lose my head.
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