So, this is very different than any other of my posts,
but I have been experiencing some “feelings” and I cannot find a name to these symptoms.
I feel like I can communicate with an outer me, such as if I had a twin, it’s very strange, it started with mirrors, and now I feel like I am not alone, although I am sitting in my room alone, such as another person is her. (Another version of myself.)
I have experienced this before, but only when I have been exhausted, and/or when I go from being surrounded by people for a long/short period of time, […]
It’s mysterious,
the day you change,
suddenly feelings are engulfed by darkness,
and it feels as if you’re carrying a darker shadow than usual.
You wonder if people notice,
but you don’t think they can,
until you get that one person who says “Why are you so different all the time now?”
and you realize that everyone has noticed,
they’ve just been too polite to say anything.
You curse yourself,
but how could this be your fault?
This isn’t something you wanted,
this isn’t something you can change.
You swallow down the pills,
that numb your brain, feelings,
yourself.
To please you parents, your family, your […]
I’ve always wanted to submerge myself into something that would help numb these feelings,
I’ve always wanted to experience that complete lostness you see in someone deep into their work,
I’ve always envied that.
I’ve tried to lose myself in alcohol,
but these feelings make is seem as if I’m drinking poison.
I’ve tried to lose myself in drugs,
but these feelings make the strongest “uppers” into downers.
I knew these weren’t positive things to lose myself in,
but I didn’t care,
I was so desperate.
I’ve always wanted to be a great writer,
I wanted to paint beautiful scenes with my words,
but creativity […]
Before you convince yourself that now is the time to leave this world and enter a whole new dimension of an unknown abyss, ask yourself these questions. (and feel free to answer them yourself in the comments):
What makes it so hard for you to stay?
What do you view suicide as?
How would you commit suicide?
On average, 6 people are intimately affected by the suicide of a friend, family member, etc.
Who do you think would miss you the most? (Can be more or less than 6 people.)
Why would those people miss you so much?
What is your favorite thing about your everyday life?
What are some […]
It seems like forever since I’ve been on this website, and I pity myself for needing to come back, for needing to vent about something that never leaves, the follows me as close as my own shadow.
This feeling, this dreaded feeling is back, and as I try, day by day, to push it to the back of my mind, all it does is grow, feeding off my happiness.
I’m upset, so upset that it seems that all is going well, yet this feeling won’t allow me to feel joy, to feel anything besides remorse. I want to be the one who is always smiling, […]
I watch you listen to me,
but do you really hear me?
You use that sweet tone of voice, I’m sure that everyone gets,
I want to trust you, but your eyes are full of judgment and pity.
I am seeking help, but I am sure this is going to doom me.
I have nothing to say, I am choking on my tears.
I am so desperately looking for the solution to fix this problem.
You gave me the push, to hold on, for just one more day.
And although my smile finally wasn’t fake, you were.
So here I am, even lower than before, desperately searching for another reason to be happy,
it’s like breathing under water.
I guess I’ll just develop gills.
I don’t expect you to understand,
no one ever does.
Our own mental status should be controlled by our own hands.
We are all condemned to death,
so why are we just sitting around?
Like ticking time bombs,
why not handle our own miserable lives,
instead of allowing others to choose our fate.
I don’t understand what you’re expecting of me,
your needs a bottomless pit.
Just because you don’t understand these feelings,
doesn’t make me a misfit.
I don’t wish you to understand,
this mind, it’s my own personal hell.
I’m scribbling down my note written in my own twisted fate,
hoping no one remembers to tell.
The rope, hung ever so delicately,
my last and final hope.
The knocking on my door loudens,
as my body begins to mope.
What in life makes it so hard for you to stay?
What is your magic potion?
What has made you stay this long?
What’s the thing you’ll miss the most?
Who do you think will miss you the most?
People call suicide “Selfish,”
Well I believe it’s time for me to be selfish.
All this world has done for me is drag me down,
it’s the weight that’s pulling me down to the bottom.
Why should I care about others feelings being hurt,
when they have done nothing to benefit mine.
We’re all going to die sometime,
so why not do it now?
Get it over with,
so the scars of grief caused by our deaths heal,
so our sorrow of being alive will end.
It’s hard to pick yourself up,
after you fallen.
It’s hard to “cheer up,”
when you have felt this way for years.
It’s had to “move on”
when your life is a stop sign.
Our eyes met,
and for some reason I just couldn’t resist you,
I fell fast and so did you.
But then the sweet words you called me turned sour,
the touching wasn’t so gentle anymore,
you left bruises and scars,
but somehow it felt better to go through this pain with you,
than without.
I never believed in God,
but I started praying for death,
hoping some greater power could take me out of this misery.
Your mean words became my reality,
and my bruises you left on my body never healed,
they were permanent.
I left you, with swollen eyes and a heavy heart,
never knowing if I would find someone that would make me so miserably happy.
During the day my smile hides my feelings,
at night they come out,
that dull, empty feeling,
consumes me.
The urges come back,
my mind wonders.
How can you be so sad,
when no one has a clue,
I’m the master of disguise,
My feelings are my shadow,
my black cape I hide behind.