ladolcemorte

I have been gearing up to commit suicide for some time.   I tried twice quite a few years ago, and I came close a couple of times recently and then decided to stick around and keep trying.  But It is clear now that the damage is irreparable and I need out. 

My best friend keeps trying to offer hope by suggesting that I try applying for other jobs.  Jobs I know I will never get.  She means well and she is trying so hard to help. But I am at the end of the line and there just is no hope left at this point.

I […]

I did it again.  Just when I thought I couldn’t last another day I’m still here.  Not sure for how much longer, but here today.

I feel like I don’t have anything new to say, so I’m going to say the old stuff in a new way.  I find that the haiku is an under utilized and under appreciated medium, so here are some haikus about suicide.  I can’t seem to figure out how to get the lines single spaced:

INDECISION

Will I or won’t I?

Each day a game of roulette.

Well, still here for now.

THE BALANCE SHEET

Reasons to live? Meh.

Reasons to die a plenty.

I know what to do.

THE […]

Today’s to do list:

1. Clean apartment
2. Write out instructions concerning care of Dog
3. Commit suicide

I am really scared that I will lose my nerve and not be able to go through with it. Or that it won’t work. But I need to try. I am at the end of the line here.

I am at the end of the line. Tried everything I can possibly try. I am done. I just can’t do this anymore.

I’ve been getting some help from a crisis centre and they all keep trying to encourage me by saying how brave I am. How brave it was to move across the country all alone for a job. How brave it was to keep going to the job even though it wasn’t what I thought it would be. How brave it was to call for help instead of enacting my suicide plan.

I don’t blame them for telling me this. It is a very pragmatic […]

I keep fighting this battle whereby I get closer and closer to the edge…closer and closer each time but somehow I always reel myself back in.  Somehow I find the resilience to fight another day…

But I believe I am truly close to the end.  I kept failing and decided to make a huge change.   I gave up everything and moved across the country to take a job that seemed like the perfect fit.  A supreme effort at improving things.

A bold move.  Everyone told me how brave I was.  Then I ended up in the hospital and a crisis centre here and they all said […]

Im eating alone at mcdonalds on thanksgiving. And they are out of ketchup.

I realize there are people who have even less than I do on thanksgiving so im not going to sob about it or anything. (Just whine a little) But…..still this is pretty pathetic, and emblematic of how my life is going right now.

This is why I want to end it. Because as aware as I am that things could be worse, Im also aware that they won’t ever get any better than dinner at McDonald’s alone, without even any frickin ketchup.

The loud, frantic, tempestuous crisis is over……

Now all I hear is a soft, confident, calm voice saying “it’s time to go now”

So here I am, not even a month into a new job in a new place, and I am already crying in the stairwell because I have already wrecked the job.  (I find stairwells to be the best place to cry in office towers…..people are always headed somewhere so they don’t usually have time to stop and ask if you are okay.  Best to go to a floor far from your office of course….)

The office tower is different.  The job is different.  The language is even different.  But I am the same

It is like that quote that says wherever you go there you are.  It […]

Just got through another short hospitalization. Now staying at a crisis centre and the counselors are trying to convince me to try one more time to get better. I have a new appointment with a new shrink in a new city.

The promise that maybe this shrink will pick up on something that the others didnt….the promise that maybe this job will work out….

Everyone keeps trying to tell me to move forward in the hopes that i can turn things around. And there is a part of me that wants to hope for this.

But I have lived in seven cities in the last eight years. I […]

I had written about how, a few weeks ago, I was 100% percent prepared to execute my plan, but I was stopped.  (Well, since I allowed myself to be stopped, maybe I was only 95% prepared.)

After that incident, I promised some good friends that I would stick around and try to make things work.

I gave it my best effort, but things only got worse.  I am supposed to be moving across the country tomorrow to start a new job.   Originally this was a move filled with promise and hope of a fresh start.   However, due to a conversation I had with the employer, […]

I posted before about how my suicide plan was put on hold when a friend found out and took me to the hospital. Somehow, those two nights in the hospital provided enough time and space for me to find one last scintilla of resilience within my soul, and I swore I would put all of my effort into staying alive.

And I did some things: I decided I’m going to move across the country (a decision I had made earlier but had started to get cold feet about), and I started making preparations for that move, including finding a place to live and booking my plane […]

On Wednesday I was in the process of getting everything ready to execute my plan.  I was going to do it…100 percent committed….

Then, my dearest friend (my “second dad”) called, and I answered.  He could hear in my voice that something was off, and he figured it out and asked directly whether I was going to kill myself.  I paused, and he said “you are, aren’t you?”.  Then I had a bit of a breakdown with him over the phone.   He was about to call the police, but ended up calling another friend who took me to the hospital.

Thankfully I was only there two nights.  Somehow […]

So I posted before about how I was in an almost magical trance of tranquility and really ready to go.   Then some physical pain set in and snapped me out of it and I wondered if I would even be able to execute my carefully crafted plan.

Yesterday the physical pain came down significantly as a result of some intense pain killers but the pain killers are wearing off and the pain is coming back.

I can’t tolerate another day of feeling terrible, and my resolve is stronger than ever.  But this time, I’m not in the magical trance.  I just feel really clear headed.   […]

I posted before about how I was at peace with my decision and ready to go.  I had things planned for a certain date….but by the time that date came around I was in excruciating, immobilizing physical pain.

I was supposed to execute my plan last Wednesday night.   But during the day, I was having terrible stomach pain and a friend insisted on driving me to the ER.  I waited two days for them to run a bunch of tests, during which time I was hopeful:  maybe it was something fatal (the pain sure felt like it could be) and I could just die naturally. […]

I have been lurking here for quite some time, and going back and forth about whether I’m doing this or not.   Today I woke up and just felt ready.   Calm.  At peace with the decision.    A little scared it won’t work but that is a chance I am prepared to take.

I thought when I was finally ready I would feel more anguish but I don’t.   I just feel calm.  Like this is the right thing to do and it is time.  I hope I can finally find the peace I have been yearning for…..

I have made the decision to do this. I know it is what I want….what I need…..I can’t go on like this…..

and yet….and yet, I am so scared.  Scared I  will back out at the last second and make everything even worse.  Scared it won’t work and I will be paralyzed.  Scared it will work and the Catholics are right And I will end up in hell…..Scared it will really, really hurt.

I wish I could say goodbye to my friends and family and have them understand why I have to do this rather than talk me out of it or drag me to see another […]