Once upon a time, not too long ago. I reconnected with an old friend. With whom I have not spoken to in at least 5-7 years. Come to find out his wife, a woman that I loved and cared for. Had passed. About a year ago. We talked about his grief. Pain. Suffering. His addiction to drugs. We talked about mine. We got really close because of our late night discussions. It was raw. It was real. I let someone in. And then they commit suicide. Did it to me. Before I could do it to you. I don’t blame him for what he did. […]
can’t cut. made a promise. not that he’d find out. bars. captured. trapped. prison. burn my skin. bubbling. blistering. open. exclamations. under my breath. laughing. you asking. why. makes me better. the panic attacks. stop. fade. breathing. meditation. calming. focusing. on the pain. think it’s stupid. don’t want me to do it. again. scarred. regret. not now. not then.
self-mutilation. punishment. feeling. don’t have time for that shit. oblivious. addicting. no deep. well rehearsed. reason. i need it. simple fact. if i don’t have that. hold it all in. bottle it up. no outlet. nothing. no way to deal. handle. cope. heard that’s unhealthy. and my […]
i cheated on my boyfriend. and i’ve regretted it ever since. it’s all i think about. and it’s eating me alive.
he likes to bring it up all the time. and it makes me want to die.
the stress is building up inside. and i just want to escape.
i want to fly away. the reaper in the night.
fade. into the blackness.
One week. No sleep. Deprived. Can’t eat. I’m numb. Mind state frozen. Stuck on one topic. Hope. Wondering if I’ve lost it. Or found more of it. To use as an aid. In helping to survive. Fight. Through every day. Waking up. Thinking how different things could be. If only.. If only.. Two simple words. When put next to each other. Forms the most useless sentence. It’s impossible. To go back and change it. You cannot rearrange it. Life keeps going on. Even when it doesn’t.
I’m a small, almost invisible, almost nobody. Not important. Not worth it. Undeserving. A self-destructive personality. Ruining everything. When things seem […]
having failed.. and people doubting me..
i have something to prove..
that’s all.
moral of the story.. at least i’m high as fuck.. (uppers)
To steal someones pills to overdose? You’ll probably laugh and say yes. Just want opinions.
and as many times as i’ve told you.. you STILL didn’t see it coming. you’re oblivious as i’m bleeding. as i’m screaming out in pain. and i’m standing in the rain. why? why? i’m waiting for the train. to come and take me away. and you’re obvlious. as many times as i’ve told you.. you STILL didn’t see it coming. and as i’m laying motionless. you’re standing there emotionless. and ignorance is bliss. you’re oblivious..
The sound of the train. Was fucking taunting me last night. I regret not being there. Lying on the tracks. Music blasting. Staring at the stars. Thinking how miniscule I am. Compared to the universe. To all living things. A tree is more important to this world than little ol’ me. I cried because I wasn’t there. As opposed to crying because i’m waiting for my imminent death. Knowing the end is near and i’m finally at peace and everything is brighter. I see more clearly. I told myself I wouldn’t come back to SP. But I did. And it was really only to mention […]
There Is No Stopping Me.
i’m not going to be on here anymore.
I’m gone. <3
thanks for everyone who has attempted to help me.
sorry for everyone i have tried to help. i can’t be strong.
woke up. feeling shit. as usual.
i can’t be happy. even in my dreams. *cries*
straight for the deep end.
Life is not the problem. It’s our life situations, that are the problem.
Suicide is a good way to escape it though. <3
in the worst fucking mood imaginable.. my little sister (half-sister) does not live with me at my house.. and my mother wants no part of what’s going on.. this is what’s going on..
my little sisters dad is an alocoholic. and she wasn’t at school yesterday and neither was her boyfriend. they had to go to the “cop-shop” because her dad wouldn’t let her go to school because he pushed her down the stairs.. he went to jail.. and on facebook, he had to say something along the lines of “what kind of country is this where a 14 year old daughter can have her dad thrown […]
i’m going to do it tonight. idk how. probably jump in front of a train. Goodbye Cruel World.
it sucks to be a twin. it sucks because people always get us mixed up. even though we now look almost nothing alike. it sucks because people still think we are exactly the same and hop from one of us to the next. i was looking through old pictures, out of boredom really, and realized that i have always been jealous of her. she’s prettier than me. she seems happier than me. (although she too could be wearing a fake smile). she’s better at drawing. better at writing. which discourages me from doing it. it’s not really and never has been a competition between us. […]
I’m here again.. I’m high again.. Lookin in the mirror. Lookin her in the eyes. She gets to hide. Behind those beautiful doors; closed. So silver; they shine. I turn away to see the dark; truth. I always find my way back. To see her again. Wishing I was in her shoes. And she was in mine.
This is why I love to get high. Finding my reflection in mirrors. Windows. She gets to hide for the ugly world. And I get to hide behind a fake smile. And live for the both of us.
Shut up. You’re a fuck up. You fucked up. Gonna go get high. Never gonna be satisfied. Be happy with what you have. Don’t shut your eyes. Not for a minute. It’ll disappear. *poof* its gone now. No longer here. You lost everything you love. You fucked up. There’s no escape. Can’t change your fate. Stuck in your ways. You don’t want to hide. Behind fake smiles and lies. But you can’t help it. Couldn’t change your mind. Even if you tried. Now matter how it fucks shit up. You do it over. A thousand times.
(about myself.)
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