I wish I had the balls to kill myself. I’m too weak to do the shxt successfully. Which makes me even more of a loser.
I don’t like you. I like the thought of you. The attention you give. The affection you show. That’s what I long for no matter who it’s from. See this void is like fckn black pit. It draws things in. Drugs, alcohol, you. And when it sucks the life outta that, it’s on to something else. Something more thrilling. And I can’t stop it. Even if I wanted to. This leach was created by someone whom I don’t even know can fix it. But it’s my hole. It’s my well. It’s my pain. I try to cover it up. Dress it up. Put make up […]
Hadn’t been on here in awhile. Hadn’t cut in awhile either. I guess I was doing good. But now I’m sinking.
I just feel like ITS ME! Everything that goes wrong is because of me. I’m always the guilty party. When I try so hard.
I tell ppl all the time that Imma fckd up person. That they shouldn’t be involved with me. I can’t possibly be anything good in your life.
It’s hard to explain.
had a guy over. And he turned out to be a cuddler. I am too. Sometimes I just wanna be held. I wanna be the lil cub instead of the lion who protects himself from everything. But as I laid there I realized, I’m too vulnerable for this. I got up with feelings. Feelings that really aren’t for him. But for the idea of him. I loved the idea of him being here. And the whole time I wished he was someone else. And this is why I don’t get too close.
Growing up I was daddy’s little girl until my brother showed up. He took my shine and he could do no wrong. He’s never had responsibilities or the pressures that I’ve had being the oldest. And I’ll always resent him for that.
My daddy used to hit my momma. I was the oldest. So I was smart enough to know. I watched. I heard. I cried for her. Then he started abusing me and my brother. My momma knew. She watched. She heard. She NEVER intervened. NEVER! I resent her for that. She let us grow up in that household. She kept us intrapped in […]
I’m not living. I’m just existing. Going through the motions of life. Never happy. Never content. Never satisfied.
I wish I could hide out. Hibernate like a bear. Or fall down a hole and no one finds me. Like I wanna run away to Mexico where nobody knows me or my past. Then I could be whoever I wanted. Or if I could disappear. Or be a fly on the wall. [because they have short life spans] I just don’t wanna be me anymore. I don’t wanna be here anymore. I don’t wanna hurt anymore.
It’s funny how I ask to be normal. I wanna do normal shxt.
Like I wanna have a normal day. Get out of bed, shower, eat, go to work, come home and go to sleep. I can’t even do this.
My day is more like wake up crying [cause I wish I were dead] cry in the shower and don’t wanna eat. Call in because I’m too sad to work or go to work and cry. Then have insomnia all night.
Ppl take for granted the ability to have a simple day.
Sometimes I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. Like I’m bipolar. Or something worse. I feel like I lost myself. This isn’t the person I remember being.
Or is it?
The fear of never being good enough
So me and my momma aren’t talking. Well I’m not talking to her. My depression really affects her the worse. She’s seen me at my worst and in rehab. I’ve fought her. We argue like crazy and I’m not very respectful. I mostly take all my anger out on her because of some childhood shxt that I won’t get into. Point is we aren’t talking because she said I don’t respect her. Which is 100% true.
I’m gonna break this down. Imma horrible fckn person. I cut myself. I’ve tried to kill myself. I don’t bellieve in myself. I don’t love myself. So how […]
My uncle died back in February. He had a seizure that ultimately took his life. He sat on life support for almost 2weeks before they pulled the plug. When I saw him the first time, I knew there was no chance.
I stood in the hospital room and watched him fight for his life thinking this should be me. I wish I could switch spots. What he do to get what I had been asking for. He wanted to live. I didn’t. He had kids, a wife, and ppl who cared. I don’t. So why did he go instead of me? I know that probably […]
I loved him. It was two long years with him. I cared. I gave 100% everyday I was with him. And the fact that he wants nothing to do with me is the worst feeling ever.
So I heard he was cheating on me. Which turned out to be a lie. He breaks up with me. I go take him his clothes. I get there and he won’t even acknowledge me. I run after him. Trying to get some kind of closure. He won’t give me any attention. That’s when I snap. [being ignored is my biggest pet peeve and what triggers my depression is […]
I went driving. Thinking “how fast do i need to drive into this tree to kill me and cash.” [cash is my dog by the way] What kept running through my head was my baby. I cant leave him but i don’t have the heart to kill him.
I shoulda drove off the road that night.
Its hard to fight depression man. Its like it creeps up and takes over. And im doin what im supposed to but when im alone, my mind wonders. I get sad. I have thoughts. I hate bein alone.
I got my whole world wrapped up in a dog. When […]
I wish there was a pill that killed me. I just want a way out. But I’m too weak to do it myself. I always think “what about my dog?” Or “how will anyone find me if I kill myself at home?” Those are things I shouldn’t be worried about. Am I truly ready to off myself?
Yesterday I tried to kill myself but the metal was so cold against my head. I had a fool proof plan that I was too weak to pull off. I got bullets. Got a gun. Cocked it. Held it to my temple and tears started to flow. I’m not strong enough to pull the trigger. Imma fckn loser.
I honestly wish I could disappear. Or I could pay someone else to off me. Clearly Imma failure and can’t do it myself. How much of an idiot do you have to be to fail at suicide?
Ive been lonely. So lonely. I want a husband. I wanna come […]