I wonder how my shitty friends and rapist are doing being able to go to school and finish their degrees and accomplish their dreams right now? They don’t care the depression they put me through one bit. I bet they’re happy poor little depressed girl is not there to put a damp to their party. I bet others that don’t know of all the struggles my life has put me through laugh at how much of a failure I am. I bet all their futures look so bright while I sit here dim and dull wishing an everlasting night. Oh if I had known that my life would have ended up like this …. :”(. Why is it the hand tends to loosen so much every time I want to glide a knife through my wrists? The temporary scratches I used to make aren’t working to make me numb anymore.
No one listens to anyone anymore, sure they hear so that they are able to grasp a rough idea of what goes on in their environment but no one actually takes the time to truly listen. To do more than observe a situation but to try to grasp how it must be to be within that environment and try to envisage the emotions that might be evoked so as to truly understand the complexities of what goes on in the world. Nothing is just black or white, we are all contrasting shades of grey. That’s one of my biggest problems I guess, I feel as if my voice has drained out from all those who choose to blatantly ignore me and even worse by the few who choose to “hear” me. No one is ever trying to actually listen, too busy trying to shut me down to get their stories out so that I will listen. However when I need reciprocation of that same time and devotion for someone else to listen to me, I receive none. I am a seed of the dandelion flower that was blown, disappearing into air, and due to wind never settled. I find no solace anywhere and so in the compass of my heart there is no true north for me to call home. I’m just so lost in my life and this feeling makes me fall deeper within the depths of my depression, making me hopeless.
All this stress from not wanting to be alive anymore, to fake friends , no real emotional support, my rape, my rape case going up into smoke and having to still continue living when my suicide attempt wasn’t successful has been weighing me down the whole year. Today for two minutes I find some kind of solace, or peace that felt was the closest thing to feeling celestial I could achieve (considering I don’t believe in God, heaven or hell). Then I find out then I’m about to flunk out of school and that numbing misery is re-injected into my soul to disinfect the small of merriment that was about to grow there. Once again I am fool to human nature that dictates I constantly swell with hope for a better future – a hope which I suspect to be the only driving force as to why I’m alive. When will I realize that I am working on dying fumes the “better future” is behind me now. I keep looking at life like a beautiful rose bush not realizing the more abundant thorns. No more. Pessimism has given me this freedom to break loose from the chains of naivety and into a world where I see the waste that life truly is. And as life gets more and more shit I will gain more and more courage to do something about living in this dump like before, that will be my greatest and only triumph.
I hate that my “friends” are all friends with my rapist – they claim not to be but they very obviously are. Always talking to him, laughing with him, partying with him, visiting his place, cooking for him at one point fucking him. I wish they could see how deteriorating this is. Its not enough to say I should be the one to say don’t hang out with him. if some guy that you say you’re only acquaintances with rapes you’re friend you get rid of the guy. Don’t make excuses as to why you continue to get close to him and apologise and continue to do it. Just cut the fucker off. No wonder they won’t help me make a case against him. Probably making hearts over the “i” in his fucking name. I’m fucking raging right now. They wonder why I don’t hang out with them well try take a stab in the dark there, Sherlock . After all my rape has put me through….. but why should I be fucking surprised… after all they’ve put me through!!!!
I receive no justice for my rape, no friends to comfort or care about me, failed hopes and dreams, a family who have no understanding or provide no solace for the pain I have been through and no love to somehow be my hero and rescue me form hellish existence. Somehow I’m suppose to live and persevere through the misery and turmoil I suffer through now for some false pretense of a better future. FUCK THAT!!! I’m tired of seeing life as precious as they do. I’m tired of living by their rules. I’m getting my escape and I don’t give a fuck whose fake feelings I “hurt” anymore.
Ever since my suicide attempt I have felt so demotivated about life. I live solely so that I don’t break my mother’s heart again because she would like me to choose life. But I’m so miserable being alive I sometimes find it selfish that she wants me alive despite the fact it is not my will. I feel like I’m in constant emotional pain and turmoil. I know life isn’t suppose to be always roses but I doubt it is suppose to feel like a horror of knives either. I’m not feeling motivated to work so I’m starting to do badly in school but I feel like I’m too depressed to start work its also depressing to see myself do badly. I just feel so cheated and angry. I took the necessary precautions so that I wouldn’t have to endure my sufferings but I’m still persevering through pain. What kind of sick joke is it to be given life to torture my soul?