All this stress from not wanting to be alive anymore, to fake friends , no real emotional support, my rape, my rape case going up into smoke and having to still continue living when my suicide attempt wasn’t successful has been weighing me down the whole year. Today for two minutes I find some kind of solace, or peace that felt was the closest thing to feeling celestial I could achieve (considering I don’t believe in God, heaven or hell). Then I find out then I’m about to flunk out of school and that numbing misery is re-injected into my soul to disinfect the small of merriment that was about to grow there. Once again I am fool to human nature that dictates I constantly swell with hope for a better future – a hope which I suspect to be the only driving force as to why I’m alive. When will I realize that I am working on dying fumes the “better future” is behind me now. I keep looking at life like a beautiful rose bush not realizing the more abundant thorns. No more. Pessimism has given me this freedom to break loose from the chains of naivety and into a world where I see the waste that life truly is. And as life gets more and more shit I will gain more and more courage to do something about living in this dump like before, that will be my greatest and only triumph.