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I’m just trash

by Lostsoul_20

All this stress from not wanting to be alive anymore, to fake friends , no real emotional support, my rape, my rape case going up into smoke and having to still continue living when my suicide attempt wasn’t successful has been weighing me down the whole year. Today for two minutes I find some kind of solace, or peace that felt was the closest thing to feeling celestial I could achieve (considering I don’t believe in God, heaven or hell). Then I find out then I’m about to flunk out of school and that numbing misery is re-injected into my soul to disinfect the small of merriment that was about to grow there. Once again I am fool to human nature that dictates I constantly swell with hope for a better future – a hope which I suspect to be the only driving force as to why I’m alive. When will I realize that I am working on dying fumes the “better future” is behind me now. I keep looking at life like a beautiful rose bush not realizing the more abundant thorns. No more. Pessimism has given me this freedom to break loose from the chains of naivety and into a world where I see the waste that life truly is. And as life gets more and more shit I will gain more and more courage to do something about living in this dump like before, that will be my greatest and only triumph.

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the moonchild 10/24/2017 - 1:43 pm

Hi there. Believe me or not I understand you completely. I failed my 2 year at college which is going to cost a LOT of money and everyone makes me understand how a lazy trash I am even if they try to be ” understanding” because they know I am the poor depressive overstressed crazy girl. Oh and not to mention I was raped so it makes me even more of a weirdo. I didn’t have a trial cause it happened a long time ago ( back to when I was 6) and I will never go to trial because in my country people get 5-10 years for rapping little girls and go out after 3 if they are ” nice” in prison. Plus the psychopath that did it probably doesn’t remember me anymore and I don’t want to see him again. Anyways I know how hard it is to deal with stress and how each time you see something in a positive way there is a little voice inside that say that you re just stupid, naive and that something horrible is going to happen to you, something a hundred times worse than you ever knew. And then comes suicidal thoughts. And then survival instincts that tell you life is not that bad and dead will bring you nothing. It goes in circle again and again and again. I don’t know if there is a way out of it other than death but I consider myself to young and to inexperienced to consider I have everything.

littlesoss 10/25/2017 - 10:58 am

Just posting to say i hear you. Take care.

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