I made a death cocktail so strong (if crushing a total amount of 525 pills into strawberry juice counts strong – most bitter juice that I have ever drunk) that I blacked out when I was done with the half of it. It was on Saturday night on the 13th of February. My mom woke me up on Monday and insisted me to go to a mental hospital, and I did. I was in a ward which had cameras in every corner, every room. We were allowed to smoke only 3 times a day, and this was the worst for me. I fucking love smoking, […]
This a postponed post to avoid my last post of shame.
If you are reading this there are 2 options:
1. I am dead.
2. I am hospitalized.
The first means that I had finally left the world, and succeeded in killing myself. How I did it? I can’t share even though I think it would help some of you. I know it is hard to understand what I mean by this kind of help, but sometimes there are situations when I think we can make an excuse and consider suicide as an only way out from our pain.
The second means that I was close and I will […]
Tough girl whose soul aches.
How would you say good bye to your parents?
It is raining. I like rain. Not because of the cheesy saying that you can’t see the tears when it’s raining, but it’s true. You really can’t see the tears when it’s raining. But I have an umbrella, so if I cried, you would see my tears. Sometimes I feel so empty, I can’t cry, sometimes it just bursts out of me like a waterfall. Am I crazy? No, I think I am not. I don’t halucinate and I don’t hear voices. I am just tired, I have just given up. Given up on myself, on dreams, good things. Every day I put on my […]
I feel stupid. I said good bye and I couldn’t do it. Took all my meds, tied the rope, had the noose around my neck but the pain was so strong, I couldn’t do it. Ended up sleeping for 2 days again and with a sore throat. How the fuck can depressed teenagers hang themselves from doorknobs and in closets? HOW?
Why can’t I just sleep forever? Sleeping feels so good. Everytime I wake up I think ‘Oh, fuck, again, a new day to survive’.
I am so fucking stupid.
Tonight is going to be my last night.
Good bye SP.
Even if you change, the world won’t. The world will remain the same. The things hurt you before will be there to haunt you and get you when you will be weak.
People who talk about their will to attempt suicide and prevent others from suicide at the same time.
I’m not saying that if you feel suicidal, you should encourage everybody, but dammit, how could tell others that their lives are valuable when you can’t appreciate yours? Either stop bitching about how you want to throw your life away or stop lying about how life never should be thrown away.
Ever had the feeling of touching something and it doesn’t feel like YOU are the one who’s touching it? What is this feeling. I feel empty indise, but I also feel dizzy and sometimes when I think of something bad I feel hot and angry. I didn’t take any of my meds in the weekend except sleeping pills in the evenings, but I took today’s portion, may be the pills messed me up.
Today I ended a conversation with somebody. He contacted me out of the blue saying he has a method which works 100%, but I needed to tell him about myself so he could […]
I had a conversation today that inspired this post.
Imagine the sick people who need organs to survive, they WANT to survive, they WANT to LIVE. If they had a method, I mean doctors, to kill patients without damaging the needed body parts or organs, they could give them to the sick, they could give them their desired LIFE. Instead of this they let people die from hanging, ODing etc. MISERABLY and MEANINGLESSLY. I know that there are certain states of mind when some can’t tell the difference between reality and their own imagination, but then leave those out of this chance. There are a shitload […]
It’s funny how I give people advice on how not to give up while I am giving up. How is it possible to be that paradoxal? I always gave good advice on how to move on, how to cope with things, but when it comes to me, this ability just stops. Why?
Some will say nothing, some will say heaven/hell, reincarnation.
What would happen if you die by suicide?
A man told me once, that if it isn’t your time, and you are rejected from heaven, but your body is unable to have your soul back (exsanguinated or something), you will stuck between the membrane of the earth and heaven.
I don’t believe in heaven.
What do you believe?
On Friday I was going to try and kill myself. After a long search I thought that if I want to overdose on pills, the most available and lethal medication would be aspirin. Overdose is my style. I can’t cut myself even though I want it badly – I still can’t. I have a knife, I bought it for cutting my neck, but I just can’t do it, I can’t stab it in my flesh, but I may get to the point when I will be able to cut myself.
So, last week I carefully gathered all the things I would need to do the deed.
I bought […]
Do you know what’s the worst thing about suicide?
It isn’t making the decision.
It isn’t buying the things you need.
It isn’t writing those letters to your loved ones.
It isn’t booking the hotel room, so your loves ones doesn’t find your body making it worse.
It’s not even the preparation: putting everything on the table, so you have everything in one place and you just need to sit down and start. Oh no.
The worst thing is when you plan everything, you do everything and 36 hours later you f_cking wake up looking like shit, pale, and you have to go home and pretend like nothing happened.
It’s not the […]
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