Broken Inside

It’s been for some years now. That feeling of loneliness and sorrow.
Since my only best friend I’ve ever had abandoned me, I didn’t find any real friends anymore. I don’t know why, but it seems that I’m just so very different from anyone else in my class and my surrounding. People think I’m strange. They avoid me. If we need to do group work in class everyone will sit happily together with their friends and I, well, I’m just standing there trying desperately to find someone to team up with me but no one hears me.
No one is on my side and helps me out, no matter what’s going on.
And the only person I could have told about my pain and sorrow, died some years ago.
I miss her. So much. I’m sure she would have heard me out and maybe she even could have helped me if she had been still alive.

I hate myself.
Why? There are too many reasons to give them all here, so I will just name two of them: Well, first of all I hate myself for being so damn ugly. When people see me in the public many of them just point their fingers at me and scream “Haha, look at that ugly face of her!” and stuff like that.
I also hate me, and that’s one far more important reason, because it seems that I just cause everyone nothing but trouble. My very few friends, well they are no real good friends because I can’t rely on them and they are never there when I need them, are practically always angry with me for some reason. Everything I do is wrong. It doesn’t matter what, I never do it in the correct way.

I really try hard every day to do things better and keep control over myself. To control the sorrow. My tears. I hate to cry but when no one sees me I do this pretty often. However, I just fail. Always. Since I don’t have real good friends, school got even more important to me as it already was but again I fail. The class tests are not good enough and I can’t concentrate completely.
I think of myself as a failure. As a disappointment. If the pain grows too big I’ll take my knife and just cut myself. It helps. Not much, though, but it helps at least a bit to get over it. But then again it results in other problems, that I need to hide the cuts and the scars from my family.

I just want to get rid of all the pain, all the disappointments, all the trouble, all the worries, all the sadness, all the grief. I want to stop it. Forever.
It hurts. But no matter how deep I cut, I know, it will never be deep enough to erase my pain.