I wish everyone saw themselves as beautiful. The world would be a better place. I wouldn’t be anorexic.. I probably would not have social anxiety and depression I know my depression is not just because I think I’m fat and ugly but I think I would have gotten a lot better by now if I did not destroy myself with my own thoughts every day. Why does even matter to me so much. I hate when people give me attention I hate stares so why do I want to be beautiful and thin.
If I were to be honest for a change and told you what was inside me. All the demons I fight every day. How much regret I have for everything I have done. If I told you that I want to kill myself. Would you understand? Probably not. Everyone looks at me like I’m insane. All the scars on my arms and legs it reminds me that my past is real. Every day I look in the mirror and hate what I see not just the outside the inside too I feel so ugly. I’m full of anger and sadness. I’m deprived from happiness. I […]
How do I start to be someone else and just leave everything behind. I can’t forget memory’s and all the regret I have. It’s to much to just let go. I can’t even if I tried I have nightmares about a lot of my past. I feel like I can’t even be okay just for a second. I wish someone could take the pain away. People seem to think life is just that easy I can just wake up and choose to feel better and forget everything and just change the type of person I am. I don’t get high anymore when I smoke weed. I […]
I went out to see some of my old friends yesterday. They changed so much I ended up drinking a lot I blacked out. I hate the feeling of not knowing what happened, I just wake up in my bed. I’ve done this a lot lately. For some reason I get paranoid. I have a bite mark on me and who the fuck did that. I’m miserable. I’ve never wanted to die so much. I don’t think I will be leaving my house anytime soon.
Last night I was gonna kill myself. I had everything set up. Â I was actually starting to feel better knowing that I would not have to deal with the day to day suffering. I was not going to say good bye. I was just going to go away. Then I heard my dad telling me good night he told me he loved me. I just started crying I’ve been not letting myself do that. I realized that everyone feels pain. My mom shes depressed too. My brother has to deal with his past. My dad is full of regret. I can’t just go away. I […]
I’m screwed for life I just want to die painfully and just suffer. I’m gone. Bye.
I’m angry because people make me feel like I’m not good enough. I’m angry because I’m not. Most of all I’m angry that is rips me apart. No it won’t matter what anyone says. My dad told me to go make friends I can’t make friends because I’m not good enough.
Well I guess I’m not angry anymore about this I guess I’m just really sad. Nothing adds up people think I have problems. Ha. There right I’m one fucked up person I was raised to be stupid and taught to be nothing at all. I hate this really I’m stuck and I can’t get out.
I’m […]
I will never be good enough..
I write here almost everyday. Today is the worse day in a long time I feel so sad. I feel it through out my body. I don’t think I will be getting out of bed I’m to tired. You know I think things were getting better he was making me feel okay when he was around. Now he’s gonna go away for three years. I want to go away to but my parents tell me everyday that it’s selfish. That does not make me feel any better. I feel so used. I feel so walked on and beaten down. I know I should suck it […]
I’m on cocaine I relapsed dammit. I never thought that I would go to this to solve my problems I need help.
I wish I could do it all over. I messed up so much and I feel the pain spilling out of me all the sadness and anger that I bottled up has found a way out. I don’t know if I will be alive tomorrow. I don’t even exist. I just a waste of space. I prayed but this time for others I won’t pray for help any longer it’s selfish. I just keep going I don’t even know how I got out of bed today. If I had a gun I would not think twice. I could die tonight why not? I have pills the […]
In a couple words you made me feel like I am nothing. I don’t cry no I don’t even flinch because I can’t let you know the pain you cause me. I love you so much. I don’t want you to see how weak I am. I can’t believe I’m lying to you. I don’t lie anymore. It feels like I changed when I met you. You said forever. You said so much I hope this is all true because I will not be hurt again. I’m ill to ill for you. You think you can do what you want with me because I’m fucked […]
I let myself do this. Maybe one day things will get better. Right now I feel really sad over the stupidest thing. I guess it hurts to love and to get attached to someone. The only good thing that’s happened in a while. I miss him already. I need to grow up.. I feel like a danger to myself right now. I’m suppose to tell my parents when I don’t feel safe from myself but I’m hoping today will be the day I finally go through with it. I’m a monster I guess I can be heartless a lot. I don’t want to live this […]
Despair
Hopeless and tired
would it really matter if I died
I’m torn in two from the inside
blind to love
full of rage
I feel like I’m in a cage
despite my hate
I appreciate the one’s who caused
so much pain
I look at my scars
remembering those years
I start to fear
just who I’ve become
I’m going insane
so heres the truth
I don’t know what I’m doing here
filled with all this despair
-Sam
If he takes his life I’m taking mine because this is all my fault. He’s gonna do it.
Why try to live if it’s harder to live than die why would it be better to suffer. I think the only reason I’m still here is because I’m living for others who rely on me as I rely on them.
The world goes on without you here. adjust or just collapse. I never been been good at adjusting. Hell I don’t feel comfortable besides when I’m alone. I know what it would do to my family if I killed myself. I wish things were easier. I wish it was not so hard. I fail at school, friends, family, boyfriends, eating, and self control. I’m not gonna graduate high school I don’t have the energy. I think I’m gonna go. I won’t be back most likely wish me luck. Peace.
I don’t know. my parents were addicted to meth. To be honest my mom did meth through out the time I was in her stomach. I did not come out wrong I was never normal though. My parents loved me of course but they were always to busy doing drugs and stealing from the government to really take good care of me. My mom eventually went to prison for 5 year. I was sad of course but she left all the time anyways so it was normal. My dad quit meth. He started drinking. Most people would be happy but my dad was worse when […]
I feel like maybe I can actually do something for the good. I try to make everyone happy but at the end of the day I’m not. I feel bad for getting angry with myself for stuff I can’t control. Maybe I will wake up tomorrow with a smile on my face and feel better. I can only hope. I hope everyone is doing good tonight.
My mind wanders all sorts of dark places. It’s like life is never going to change. The fear of death is only because your attached to something or someone. I have someone. I don’t fear death though. I learned that fear is just in your mind and it can go away. I can disappear and the world keeps spinning. My death will only define who I was. Although I want people to remember me as happy that would just be lying to themselves and that’s useless. I don’t really regret anything right now and I want to die in peace and I feel like this is the […]