I stopped posting here while i waited for some supplies. I got things situated and waited. So here’s the story.
Tonight, i drove an hour and a half to pick up 100$ worth of high grade heroin. Ive never done it before in my life. My daughter is with my mother, i am home alone. I am cleaning house and organizing things to be found that need to be found. The grief that struck me in the truck on the way home was like nothing I’ve experienced in my life. I have my death in my pocket. To stand on the precipice, look down, and […]
About to commit. That point of no return, where you send out the letters and emails. A Skype video message for my wife. Then its 24 hours to complete the deed. Should only take a few. What a sad way to end. To answer so much pain, by causing pain, to avoid pain. Not at all how I saw things going. Such a shame.
Finished my will. It was really easy. I actually feel ok. Have a few letters to write, and a long train ride to the city to procure some things. Then to leave a clean house, check into a cheap motel, watch some family guy maybe, and write something time delay text messages. I’m actually so relieved. The nightmare is almost over. Thanx SP. People in this situation need a judgment free zone like this. Such a simple thing. Makes such a big difference.
Has anyone got an idea where one might find 3 witnesses to sign a will? Assume freinds and family are out of the question due to obvious suspicion.
Is not being able to tell anyone. Limited to a note. An afterthought. No deep conversations. No reassurances. Just a fucking piece of paper. I want to tell people. I dont want to be stopped. I want to say a real goodbye. But you cant. You have to hold the secret, while you make ready. You have to prepare them without telling them. That’s what makes it a selfish act. How selfish of society, to make something so personal into a selfish act itself, because you can’t ease the burden for them without interference.
So many lose ends to tie. Is it stalling? Is it because I care about the ones left behind? Does it matter once you’re gone? Its so hard to do anything. To even leave the house. I think I do care, if I didnt, I’d just keep going. Waiting on a paycheck to buy my materials. Gotta write the letters, leave a clean house, and find the thing I need to do the job. It sucks. I think only here can someone understand what its like to want something so badly, and not want it at all either.
I haven’t been here in almost a year. I had lost my family and just could not cope. I got lucky and saved my marriage, kept my family together. I was instantly ok again. Well, it didnt last. I guess I have issues. I fucked it up again. This time there’s no fixing it. Now I see why suicides peak around the holidays. The thought of missing my family at all, let alone for Xmas, is terrible. Ive pretty much made up my mind. I dont even care about the method anymore. Im just worried about what happens to the dog, who gets what stuff, […]
Nothing gets better. It just changes. Yesterdays bloody wound is tomorrows festering infection. Nothing heals. Distractions fade and reality comes crushing down. It never ends.
She talked to me for the first time in a month today. Just to tell me she has no feelings for me. After five years. We were raising a family together. Thats what I get, I was an asshole. I cant be mad at her. But damn the truth hurts. Wasn’t this supposed to get easier? I just want to give up so bad. Fuck me.
Its just getting worse. First, all I could do was sleep. Now I cant sleep. I wake up in a panic attack in the middle of the night. Every night. I can’t function. Ive always thought I was strong minded. Solid. Now I feel myself slipping into pain induced insanity. I lost my family. The emptiness is crushing. Time is supposed to heal. But it only gets worse. My heart is broken. My mind is following.
I dont understand why my post was deleted?
I dont want to die. Really I dont. But the pain is stronger than the will to live. It dominates my thoughts. It wont give me a break. I try to sleep it away, but I cant sleep long enough. Honestly I wish I would never wake up. Maybe if it were as easy as flipping a switch I would turn my life off. What I really want is my happiness. I want my family back. But without them, I am overwhelmed, and I think I have to end.
O.k. guys. I have been in a relationship with a woman who has some serious emotional disabilities. Things get heated frequently and I have become very abusive. Luckily for her she left 2days ago. We have been raising our kids together so I have lost a son as well. The house is full of her possessions, presence, and memories. I find myself staring at her empty spot in our bed and i have begun sleeping with her pajamas in my hands. I have no help with bills. Its looking hopeless and the pain is overwhelming. All I know how to be is a family man […]