I have borderline personality disorder, and I’m fighting a mood swing, I don’t want my new bf to witness me losing my shit. he knows about my BDP and weve been friends and housemates for over a year so he’s seen my mood swings before, but he dosent like them, he tolerates them. My Uni coursework is getting to me, and exams are 2 weeks away. I don’t know how to find an outlet for my anger and sadness. my Boxing club has been terminated and I cant run as typical British weather is being horrendous. I’m also changing hormone tablets so have to avoid […]
So I’ve recently bee told I have borderline personality disorder, which in a way is a relief, not I know I’m not like this purely because I’m irrationally insane, there’s a reasoning behind it. My cat is about to be put down. my best friend/house mate wants to start a relationship and although I want that more than anything, I don’t think we are right for each other, he cant support me emotionally I cant support him, we’ve both been through shit, him so more than I , as he is ex military. my ex, he thought the sun shined out of my […]
Every time I seem to recover is when exams are looming, I need the exam stress to distract me form the never ending thoughts. I have a boyfriend in waiting, which is stressing me out more than when we were just best friends. he is probably more emotionally inept than in am, if that’s possible, so I’m not sure it’ll be the best match, but I honestly cant see myself with anyone else.
Anyway, its been a month since my last suicidal episode (I’m have borderline personality disorder.) and I’m feeling lost, I’m so used to my suicidal thoughts and the never ending struggle to keep […]
so, my mood swings are getting worse and more defined. And its been confusing me more, who am I? so I’ve decided that my ‘quiet thoughts’, ‘calm and reasonable’ self who just loves having fun and making everyone happy is Lulu. And Luce is the very troubled, sad voice, she never shuts up, she is loud thoughts that scream all night so that I cannot sleep, she is the anxious one who attacks me with panics and wants to push everyone away and smash things and plans detailed suicides. This way I feel I can embrace Lulu, and try to forgive and understand Luce, together […]
never move in with your best mates/life lines. I now have no lifelines. also don’t fuck your house mate. and don’t pick the downstairs room, because you can hear them all next door having fun all night while you sit alone in the dark less than a meter away, isolated. not asking for sympathy, this is all self inflicted. just putting some life advice out there.
I have BDP, recently discovered, and a long time untreated. But at least I can now see a reason for my weirdness. I’ve developed a strong bond with a guy who has SPD. my moods swing either by the hour or by the week, and the rest of my housemates find this hard, but he is almost oblivious and my moods don’t effect him at all. much to my own annoyance I have developed feeling for him, but I’m equally aware that with my BDP relationships just don’t work, and with his SPD relationships just don’t work. this post is more of a vent, but […]
I use poetry to help me heal by processing events and emotions. I’d like to start sharing it, but I’m not sure the content is suitable for most poetry forums. so I’m posting it here, as it is a safe place for people like me.
An all-consuming desire,
a rage bubbling deep within,
a need- twisted and contorted though it may be-
needs to be fulfilled.
to be set free.
with an ancient elegance, a cunning
that exceeds the silver fox’s,
with eyes of the playful devil- its unlocked
snapping her neck with a skilful stroke,
feeding snakes between her lips
flicking on the switch that brings her
I haven’t been on here for a very long time. I’m better now, I beat depression after 5 years. I’ve started uni now, along way from home, so I could feel safe. where he couldn’t find me.
I think I see him though, all the time. Its getting to me. its triggered the night mares, I wake up startled, feeling his hands on me.
I’m scared I’m going to get ill again. bad thoughts have started to creep back in. my energy is sapping. my friends are asking why I’m not going out with them much/ at all anymore.
I don’t know if I should […]
whoop! 19 years of being a loner, why break a habit of a life time. Here’s to all those September babies celebrating at home, watching Bridget Jones movies with a bottle of wine. Just looking on the bright side; better to celebrate with no company than with bad company.
Anxiety wont stop. 24/7 heart palpitations, throat tightening, dizzy, weak and shaking, physically sick to my stomach, IBS has been on a major flare since the anxiety picked up about 4 weeks ago. night terrors wake me up every night. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. it just wont stop. it wont ever stop. I’m scared.
… Is complete and utter boredom of life itself a fair enough reason to end it all? In the literal sense of the phrase, I am bored to death.
so ive been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and my bf is okay with it, he is supportive even though he has no idea why I’m like how I am. but even after 9 months I cant, just physically cant stay at his house, I freak out. I cry and have to leave. I shut down and will sit in silence absolutely terrified of doing something wrong. I know his family think I’m weird. and now hes not speaking to me. ive tried so many times to over come it, but I still just cant stay overnight. why? whats wrong with me?
I was sexually abused when I was 14 and used to have dreams about it again and an=gain, they were different, different people that I knew, different places, and I would fight. but recently, now 18, ive been having slightly different dreams, still the same content, but I don’t recognise the people, I don’t know where I am, why I’m in that situation, and most distressingly, I don’t fight back anymore in these dreams. I just don’t understand. any one?
if I had a pound for every time I announced I’m going to change id be a rich woman. but now I really need to make a change. being put on mood stabilisers and have a re-referral to a psychiatrist because of my extreme mood swings. I don’t need to be labelled with anything, too much stress. thus I will have a Bridget jones style epiphany; I will stop loosing weight, I will stop cutting, quit smoking, stop relying on drink, I will sleep enough, I will suppress my mood swings…. is this too much all at once?:’)
so my boyfriend is on a family camping trip and thus has no signal all week, my other friend is in Iceland seeing the northern lights, everyone else thinks I’m better. I have no one to talk to when I hit that dark darkness for all of half term, stuck in my bedroom all day and night studying and trying to stay sane. so I’m just going to type here like I have verbal diarrhoea. last night I had a panic attack and was paralyzed just lying on my floor, I couldn’t even drag myself into bed. the night before that I made myself a […]
The last few days have been the worst in a while. He doesn’t like my scars and said its a deal breaker if I cut again. he doesn’t like me smoking or drinking. he hates that suicide crosses my mind every day. ive been so depressed, and I am forbidden from using my coping strategies. I tied myself a noose last night, just in case. I held the blade against my skin and managed to resist slicing. I beat myself with a belt tonight to try and feel something again. He doesn’t like how skinny I am, even though ive put on 5lb for him […]
this morning I was called bipolar, they laughed at it and then started mocking me, saying I’m in denial about having bipolar (actually currently being assessed for it and the such like) then another person suggested multiple personality disorder, than the other replied ‘oh that’s you(me) all over, you’re always changing’ and then as we left form class I told them to shut it, but was told ‘mental illness is funny, I find your denial about bipolar amusing’. it hurts, it hurts so much when people say this stuff.
you know that feeling you get when youre falling asleep, when your limbs are dead and heavy, well that’s me all the time. I couldn’t even get the milk out of the fridge. I’m so desperate inside, like I’m scrambling through all of this heavy darkness inside of me, I cant breathe. my heart is palpitating. I feel physically sick. and keep zoning out for 10 minutes every now and then and have no idea whats going on. councelling is shit, they even said they don’t know how to help. I just don’t know what I need. I cant. I want to, but I mentally […]
* lame mushy relationship problem* I met a nice guy, genuinely true and honest and down right lovely, described by his friend as the ‘virginest virgin’. we’ve been closeish friends for a year, and a week ago we found out we both liked each other. we are both awkward. its been so awkward. he knows all about me, my depression, suicide attempts, self harm, anxiety attacks, being sexually abused as a toddler and then being used for sex by paedophiles at 13. (now 18, new guy is a few months younger than me) I told him I’m not ready for anything physical and he seems […]
so ive been on autopilot to deal with depression for the last 4 years, but now with counselling and therapy I’m starting to come back to life. I’m noticing my feelings and the feelings of people around me. I look at my friend and she is just like I was, apart from shes not on auto pilot, shes feeling every ounce of pain and hopelessness. everything in my body wants to go over there and hold her, and tell her something, make the pain go away, cry with her, so she doesn’t feel so alone. but what do you say? what do you do? we […]
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