so I fucked up my AS levels pretty bad, can find and reason to carry on my A2 courses. Who the hell picks physics, 3D product design and maths anyway? ( plus I’m female so literally all guys in my classes) I wont be happy with my body till its just skin and bones, and since I’m naturally short and stout that wont happen. don’t want to be pathetic but I literally feel nothing for anyone even though I crave physical contact ( major mummy and daddy issues ) have no career prospects as literally nothing but my morning fag will get me out of […]
Today I was moved from CBT to Counselling, is this seen as a good or a bad transition?
Last night I prayed; I prayed for forgiveness then I prayed for help, and by the end I was praying to go home, begging the Lord to just let me die. If I alone do not have the strength to end my life my only hope is Gods’ mercy. I’m sure faith shouldn’t be like this…
ive been referred to four different organisations for mental health over the last 5 years. none of which have worked. only had one session with my new NHS woman but I haven’t much hope. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and all they seem to care about is the anxiety. that’s the least of my worries. ive been suicidal before, and I still have suicidal tendencies which I am struggling to supress. I need help but they don’t seem to want to get to the issues that are deeply effecting me. is there anywhere that works (UK based) or any methods (currently on […]
what hope is there for a kid that was molested and abused at 3, who let it happen again and again until 15 when they suddenly realised it was wrong? I’m 18 now and still don’t know what is normal. rape and abuse was standard for me, and the thought of someone treating me as an equal scares me, if they were to listen when I said no, how would I ever please them? there’s so little hope of finding happiness and acceptance now… maybe its not worth sticking around, maybe I’m too far gone to be normal.
standing at the bus stop and a guy pulled over and gave me his number… just a little perk that made me smile today.
its the little things that pull you through.
Shame its effect didn’t last long before the thoughts came back…
so my self harm has started becoming a big problem. the last month ive started to scare myself on how dependent I am on it, how deep Im pushing… how vivid the thoughts of suicide are.
I asked my tutor if counselling could be kept a secret from my mum, ive hid everything from her for the last few years and I don’t want her to know im not her happy little girl anymore. but I need help- even I can see that.
so my tutor ( a psychology teacher who has already suggested counselling) sat me down and we talked, id been on the verge of […]
life is killing me. for the last 3 years i’ve held it sort of together but I have no strength anymore- mentally emotionally or even physically.
the man who abused me 3 years ago is the only person who understands how and why im broken- hes the one who did this. i hate with such contempt the only person who ‘gets me’.
The kid I loved like a brother, depended on him to keep preaching how everything will be okay, that one day I can go home where there’s no sadness, well he gave up, said he cant help me anymore.
my mum said i’m making […]
going to fail A-levels –> have no opions if i cant get to uni –> dont have a passion to take as a degree –> my two ‘bestfriends’ are now in smitten ‘grown up’ relationships and have abanoned me –> my mum is so depressed she wont accept that i also have depression–> i have so many scars on my body that i will forever be wearing jumpers –> my savings are being used to keep the family house from repossession –>i dont have the motivation to try anymore –> no motivation to live, no motivation to die.
religious nuts. thats what i said to him when i saw some preechers on the streets. im 17. i used to be mildly religious, i used to pray and be conscious of my sins, then at 13 my innocents was robbed ironicaly my cross pendant that i wore permenantly broke in the process, i kept the truth to myself but it slowly ate away at me, destroying any faith i had, leading me down a dark hole of depression. then i met sam again, after 3 years of just saying hey down the corridoor. he caught site of my scars and fresh cuts, he opened […]
‘to live is the rarest thing in the world, most of us just exist’ – the fabulous oscar wilde
litterally on the edge right now. cant stand anymore. i need a way out. i dont want to just exist anymore…
When all you need is someone who just knows and tell you it’ll be okay, you remember that you’ve already scared them away and there is no one left. with each cut I become less human, I just want to feel again, have that sensation of being alive.
never thought id be back on here again. never thought id be self-harming again. never thought that id think of ending it again. never think ill be truely ‘okay’ again.
so after a rough time with a bunch of nasty guys I decided to just live on my own, not let anyone in. I met a few guys and turned them down, too many awkward silences and dumb conversations. but one night I went on a date with a guy and for once he was a gentleman, he booked a table and he wore jeans that didnt show his bum, we laughed and i nearly cried laughing and there were no moments of scilence and he is clever, so clever and we talked about politics and current affairs and horses( we both have horses)but then after i […]
I just want to feel happy again. Feel wanted again. Feel whole again. Feel like life is worth living again. Is it really too much to ask?
im getting more and more stressed out. these four walls seem to be closing in on me. the rain barracading me in. the darkness reminding me i have little time left to get my act togethr and get away. my heart palpatations are getting worse, bordeing on pannick attacks. i cant get out of my room, my hands are shaking. i need to cut, rip open my skin and see that familliar red stream start to form, watch it weave its way through scars. im scared and lonely. theres no other way out.
today has been crap. so ive been in bed for the best part of 3 days getting more and more anxious becaue my CAMHS appointment is tomorrow (child and adult mental health service) ive resisted cuttin, just making me more worked up. but now my mother has gone off he rails, said shes going to tell them that im just a selfish pathetic shallow grumpy teenager that she hates me. i dont blame her. im a shit excuse of a daughter. i need to gt out, stay out tonight just till ive missed the appointment. but i have no where to run to, no one […]
sleeping is good. I like sleep.
It’s like death, but without the committment…
went out today. first time this summer holiday. wore a midi dress for the first time this year but felt too exposed and walked around for 3 hours with my wool shawl pulled and hugged tight against my body in the sweltering heat. Today i was being judged to see if he wants me as part of his possy, so to speak. my best friend is part of the group, she said they’re nice and friendly. i didnt notice though, i was too absorbed in my anxious thoughts, looking out for people from school that i’d have to hide from. People make me uncomfortable. he […]
Hes the one guy ive loved unconditionaly, stupid sying that since in merely 16. we nerve kissed or talked much. but he fixed me, i could trut him. Then he left, just vanished without saying good bye. i started breaking again, everything went wrong but i was on my own, found that cutting helped ( yes stupid old lovesick naive idiot that i was) a year later he emailed me, we talked and he said he still loved me… i let my guard down, i wanted to feel again, i believed it. then he vanished again, a month letter i found out he’d been engaged. […]