painterofmusic

God intervened in my life, my screwed-up life, because someone prayed for me. Thursday morning, that someone died by suicide.

At visitation, I heard a little kid ask his mom what happened. He tried to explain that she just died. But he asked how. She whispered, “She shot herself.” I couldn’t bear to even stay.

She was “just” my best friend’s mom. My friend, too, but only barely. And I’m posting to beg each of you to NOT do this. This is painful. Whether it’s your daughter, your daughter’s friend, your mailman… Someone is affected. Someone is hurt. And that someone would have done anything […]

A friend of mine died today. By suicide.

Please, please don’t go through with a suicide plan. If you need to talk to someone, I’m giving you my contact info below. I’ll talk to you. I don’t want to see anyone else die.

Please, I LOVE YOU. And I don’t even know you. I love you, and I will fight for you. Talk to me.

270.226.3177 (Call or text, 24/7.)
aspiring2live@gmail.com
cn.king@ymail.com
And if you don’t trust me, call 1.800.SUICIDE. Those people DO care. Most of them aren’t even paid.

I won’t report you. But I will fight for your life. I’ll listen. I promise. […]

I’m noticing my entry got pushed back, so sorry about the repeat. But…

Some time back, a Daniel Lopez, k3t, talked to a lot of people on here. I need him, to tell him something. Daniel, if you see this, email me. If someone else is or was talking to him and has an email, please email me, too. I’ve gotten a few emails containing his contact info, but no luck so far.

aspiring2live@gmail.com

One person in particular, Daniel Lopez, and another person with the username of K3T. I’m looking for you two. You might be the same person, I’m not sure. But please, PLEASE email me. aspiring2live@gmail.com Or if you know these people and how I can get in contact with them, email me.

When you get this message, if you get it, I have some awesome news… I’M ALIVE. And I need to tell you two why.

When you tell people that you’re drunk, they tend to turn away. But I can’t keep doing this by myself… I’ve lost my friends, my son, everything. God, here comes the tears… I just can’t do it anymore. I’m drunk enough to post this, but sober enough to be honest. I need help, and I can’t do anything. I really think I’m drunk enough to kill myself. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t do it anymore. Please, someone help. I can’t do it.

Maybe I’m just weird, but… I’ve noticed that most people who post on the suicide project use proper grammar. I also noticed while I was walking outside today how nice it was. It’s been brutally cold, and I haven’t had heat all winter. Today, I had to turn my air on. As I was going to check my mail, since I’ve been forgetting to check it for several days at a time, I saw a little kid riding on a tricycle with his parents running along at his side. It really was a beautiful sight. I notice things like I’m watching them from a movie. […]

I spent time in an adult crisis unit after a suicide attempt. My doctor tried to avoid the hospital. I got out this last Friday. Since I came home, not one of my friends have asked me how I’m doing. Maybe I’m selfish, but I just want someone to ask. I can’t keep doing this by myself, and no one cares. I’m not upset with them, though. I’m such a burden to them, and I don’t want to be anymore. I don’t blame them for being scared of me, because I wouldn’t know what to say to me, either.

While I was there and demanding to […]

This is a real entry from my journal. I wanted someone to know what happened, because I can’t even talk to my friends about it. Friends… Someone, surely, is reading if I post it, so someone knows. I know it’s long, but… I’m not thinking too clearly. So… Well, the journal will tell you what happened. I was so upset at the time, so the wording is a little messy.

Friday, November 20, 2009
Dear Diary,
I’ve never been so angry in my life. I don’t even know what to say except that I’m going home. Right now. I’m sorry my writing is so messy, but […]

I have a funny story. I guess it’s funny to someone like me, anyway. But I had planned on dying today. And as it turns out, my wallet was stolen. The only pills I have are Tylenol, which would make me suffer a horribly painful death if I lived because they would make my liver shut down over the course of a week-ish. I could cut my wrist, but I’m afraid I would panic, call someone, and then get shipped to some nuthouse. But this wasn’t the funny part…

…I’m in college, and I’ve spent $7,000 in student loans on this semester alone. I’ve gotten myself […]

Wanting to die makes talking hard. I don’t know how else to talk but through ink on paper. In the meantime, I’m almost hoping someone will find me out soon. I keep dropping hints to the thing I can’t come out and say, but… I just don’t know how much longer I can take this. I love the suicide project… Whether people care or not, they’re reading. At least for the moment, that’s enough for me.

To paint a picture of my heart tonight,
I’m trying to find the words to write,
That will tell the story behind the scars,
But all I have is this […]