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May 20th, 2009by painterofmusic

So, what happened… Thursday night, I downed a bottle of medicine, because someone three fries short of a happy meal wrote on a website that “liquid is absorbed faster than pills.” So I thought… I die faster, and I fall asleep before I suffer. So much for that idea…

Obviously, my plan didn’t work. I didn’t have to go to the hospital or anything, though. I downed it, and my heart was pounding, to the point that I just knew I was going to die. So I laid down in bed, pulled the covers over my head, turned on Relient K, and tried to go to sleep. Yes, I did go to sleep, and I woke up feeling like… I’ve never been drunk, but I’m sure the feeling is very similar.

Something very interesting happened the next day, though; a girl in my Psychology class, whom I was once best friends with in elementary school, once shared friendship necklaces with me and another girl. Shelby moved, but BJ, from my class, we just never saw eye-to-eye after third grade. Sitting in the gym that day, since our class has went to help clean it up from the yearly exams, I hear BJ say to another girl, but to me as well, “Me and Jessie used to be BFFs in grade school.” And she asked me if I still had my necklace. I remember, it was a purple seal, with what I think was a heart on its nose that it was balancing. Each said BEST, FRIENDS, and FOREVER. I had FRIENDS, because I was in love with that word when I was little, considering how hard I tried to hold onto it. Shelby had BEST, and BJ had FOREVER. Ironically, I gave her the tail one, because I didn’t figure on her being around very long. This day, she said, “I still have that necklace. Do you?”

I didn’t. I told her I did, because I was ashamed of myself. How could I be so stupid for having thrown it out? Or maybe lost it? I’m not sure what happened to it. Either way, I knew one of two things had happened. Either it had gotten thrown into some garbage that survived through all the years, or maybe there was a part of our time together that she wanted to hold onto, to remember. And when you’re sitting there, thinking how stupid you are that you can’t even kill yourself right, and what method you’re going to choose this night to do it right, you start to pray that it was the later reason. I was sitting there, literally thinking about how to kill myself, and someone gives the audacity to think that maybe someone cared. As I’ve mentioned before, I stick to my notebook at school. When we got back to the room, I wrote, “I almost wonder if that was a sign from God…”

So, I lived, with one more memory to erase from my mind of a failed attempt at my life. The question now is… do I try to go continue on, going by what may or may not have been a sign that I need to? Or do I quit now, while I’m still not afraid to die?

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