So, what happenedâ€¦ Thursday night, I downed a bottle of medicine, because someone three fries short of a happy meal wrote on a website that â€œliquid is absorbed faster than pills.â€ So I thoughtâ€¦ I die faster, and I fall asleep before I suffer. So much for that ideaâ€¦
Obviously, my plan didnâ€™t work. I didnâ€™t have to go to the hospital or anything, though. I downed it, and my heart was pounding, to the point that I just knew I was going to die. So I laid down in bed, pulled the covers over my head, turned on Relient K, and tried to go to sleep. Yes, I did go to sleep, and I woke up feeling likeâ€¦ Iâ€™ve never been drunk, but Iâ€™m sure the feeling is very similar.
Something very interesting happened the next day, though; a girl in my Psychology class, whom I was once best friends with in elementary school, once shared friendship necklaces with me and another girl. Shelby moved, but BJ, from my class, we just never saw eye-to-eye after third grade. Sitting in the gym that day, since our class has went to help clean it up from the yearly exams,Â I hear BJ say to another girl, but to me as well, â€œMe and Jessie used to be BFFs in grade school.â€ And she asked me if I still had my necklace. I remember, it was a purple seal, with what I think was a heart on its nose that it was balancing. Each said BEST, FRIENDS, and FOREVER. I had FRIENDS, because I was in love with that word when I was little, considering how hard I tried to hold onto it. Shelby had BEST, and BJ had FOREVER. Ironically, I gave her the tail one, because I didnâ€™t figure on her being around very long. This day, she said, â€œI still have that necklace. Do you?â€
I didnâ€™t. I told her I did, because I was ashamed of myself. How could I be so stupid for having thrown it out? Or maybe lost it? Iâ€™m not sure what happened to it. Either way, I knew one of two things had happened. Either it had gotten thrown into some garbage that survived through all the years, or maybe there was a part of our time together that she wanted to hold onto, to remember. And when youâ€™re sitting there, thinking how stupid you are that you canâ€™t even kill yourself right, and what method youâ€™re going to choose this night to do it right, you start to pray that it was the later reason. I was sitting there, literally thinking about how to kill myself, and someone gives the audacity to think that maybe someone cared. As Iâ€™ve mentioned before, I stick to my notebook at school. When we got back to the room, I wrote, â€œI almost wonder if that was a sign from Godâ€¦â€
So, I lived, with one more memory to erase from my mind of a failed attempt at my life. The question now isâ€¦ do I try to go continue on, going by what may or may not have been a sign that I need to? Or do I quit now, while Iâ€™m still not afraid to die?