Author

Pretend Girl

Life is tricky

by Pretend Girl 6/26/2015

written by Pretend Girl

I want to share with you a story about my father. I want to share it because my depression is deeply affected by my family relations. The pain and hurts created a Pretend Girl who has been so very sad, so very alone and so very confused. Geee, a build up like that, who could turn away? 😉 I also want to share it because I think we are here in this crazy world to help one another. I want to share my story/stories and if you see part that can help you, I’d be so glad. I am going to write, to publish, to […]

6/26/2015 8 comments

Message to No12run2

by Pretend Girl 6/5/2015

written by Pretend Girl

I’m writing to you here because I wanted to be sure you got my message. Sorry I couldn’t respond earlier- no internet at home.

I’m sorry you are facing homelessness, depression, loneliness, hunger AND finding a place for you dog! This is a lot to deal with!! I can understand how terrible loneliness is- I am too. And the feeling of not knowing what to do, esp, when options are few? OH ! Not something I’d wish on an enemy.

So, what can you do? I’m glad you posted. Venting it, journaling about it can help.

When I read your words, two things that strike me. Finding a place for you to […]

6/5/2015 0 comment

Pain and hurts

by Pretend Girl 6/4/2015

written by Pretend Girl

I was up all night, feeling like the worst person ever. And why? Because I’ve lost my SS card and birth certificate. I was/ am mad because I had had it in a box, sorted that box and now, poof! Lost them!

I am going to be okay. I always am. I even called my crisis line and told them all my problems and all about how I was going to fix them. I must be superman. Well, superwoman. But ya know…

All the negative feelings are from long ago. So sad inside. Hurting so much and nobody, I mean nobody knows in my family. My friends […]

6/4/2015 1 comment

Going on to go on…

by Pretend Girl 5/1/2015

written by Pretend Girl

I am so upset at a friend. I am upset with me more. I am estranged from another friend. We’ve had a long time conflict and she does not listen to me. I finally have cut ties- almost formally. I mean, we talked and she said one thing- no I won’t talk about it. Okay. I can’t accept it but what can I do? Nothing.

THIS is what my depression is. I am estranged from my mother and father. I live far away from everyone. I am tired. I want to GO! BUT…

But I don’t want to die feeling this. I don’t want my last feeling […]

5/1/2015 2 comments

How far will we go?

by Pretend Girl 4/13/2015

written by Pretend Girl

We who deal with depression- how far will be go to hurt ourselves? I overeat. I don’t look at myself in the mirror- no idea what my hair is looking like. I don’t brush my teeth. So embarrassed at the doctor’s office when she looked in my mouth. Yuck! But I told her why and it helped to tell even that little bit.

We get upset facing the depression. We want to hurt ourselves in one way or another. Why do we do that?? The pay off is you are expressing your pain? Even the talk (hopefully only talking!) of killing ourselves is part of hurting […]

4/13/2015 2 comments

Reasons I won’t kill myself

by Pretend Girl 4/1/2015

written by Pretend Girl

Tonight is bad. Bad day at work. When my shift ended, I ran out of there on the dot. I can’t stand the job from the company to the day to day work. The managers are okay until they say one thing, then say the opposite. Makes me crazy. So, I was pushed to the edge tonight. I distracted myself with reading. I ate ice cream, cake, cookies, pizza. It felt good for like two minutes. Then nothing. No good feelings. I took the slow spiral dissent into my deep, dark feelings of waning to die. Just wanting this madness to end! Can’t get a […]

4/1/2015 1 comment

So far to go

by Pretend Girl 3/27/2015

written by Pretend Girl

I left the house at 3:45 pm when I remembered I wanted to visit a few of the local thrift stores. I got to four out of five I wanted to. I found two pillows- a body on and a bed pillow. Just 30 minutes before I was unable to make a move towards anything. I was so down, I called my crisis line and just spoke for a ten minutes or so. Just enough to get myself going.

So, as I dash from one side of town to the other I am feeling- this is life! Yes! Just an hour ago I was going to […]

3/27/2015 0 comment

When you feel at the end of your limit, set a new limit

by Pretend Girl 3/26/2015

written by Pretend Girl

I have had some rough days and nights. One night I came to my limit! I was worn out, exhausted at dealing with all my depression, anxiety, fears, anger…etc by MYSELF! I called my crisis line and got a guy that when I talk to him, I do not feel comfort. I decide, as he answers, I will tell him I only needed to tell someone how sad I was, how worn out I was and that was all. He goes into a speech trying to give me advice and I tell him, I am not looking for advice, I just want to share that feeling so […]

3/26/2015 2 comments

It’s the fear, Dear Heart

by Pretend Girl 3/13/2015

written by Pretend Girl

Last night as I started to go to sleep I felt fear. It was odd because I had spent an hour on the phone with a good friend. I think the contrast of my talk with her and my empty apt and life was too much for me. I finally journaled about it and that helped some. But it was late and I was still awake- again for the umpteen time.

Finally I realized something. I was fighting control. Control of my emotions, control of sleeplessness. Fighting the feeling I am not whole, never will be. And maybe half dozen other active fears. :-< As I […]

3/13/2015 6 comments

To Alek

by Pretend Girl 2/10/2015

written by Pretend Girl

I’m sorry you are going through a really hard time right now. I read what you say about your father and then, about how you are a bad guy. Can you see how your dad started that feeling and it is not your true self? We all do things that make us a “bad guy” of life. But in reality those bad things mean we were behaving badly and NOT that we are a bad guy. Please hear me when I say the fact you don’t like how you’ve acted is the start of a better Alek.

I hear your sorrow for being so sad and […]

2/10/2015 2 comments

Hating life right now

by Pretend Girl 2/6/2015

written by Pretend Girl

I don’t want to be dead. I don’t want to live. Limbo is the only answer. Sorry no cheer here- but I do mean the things I posted to threads today. But still- blah.

2/6/2015 10 comments

by Pretend Girl 1/29/2015

written by Pretend Girl

I was encouraged by impefertluck to write tonight.

There are so many people hurting and so much pain. Know you can get through your personal struggle and hurts. It can often seem like you can’t. Feelings lie. Maybe that sounds pretentious. Feelings lead us to conclude things we never would have if the feelings hadn’t been so strong.

I have dealt with my depression for over 20 years. I had counseling but no one listened to me when I talked about the pain of my family life so many years before. So, instead of understanding that the depression came from a situation I had no control over, […]

1/29/2015 3 comments

by Pretend Girl 1/18/2015

written by Pretend Girl

I already know what giving up feels like. I want to se what happens if I don’t. Neila Rey

A quote that I found at https://www.facebook.com/revealthesecrettosuccess

1/18/2015 1 comment

I am MAD!!!

by Pretend Girl 1/11/2015

written by Pretend Girl

I am mad! Mad at my depression that interrupted my life, caused heartache and hurts. Separated me from my family for my emotional safety. I am mad at the counseling I had that went no where because I didn’t understand my emotional state of mind, 20 years later!

Over the years I had counseling, but they said counseling wasn’t about dredging up your past, it’s about moving forward! But if the unresolved thoughts and feelings aren’t examined, it IS what I needed/need.

I tell you I am also mad about how many people are affected this way- family of origin does harm and leaves the child to heal […]

1/11/2015 3 comments

Love yourself and hold on

by Pretend Girl 1/11/2015

written by Pretend Girl

I read the posts here and I feel so sad. So many people, so much sadness. I wish I could give each and every person a hug.

Let me say this… YOU are the most important person in your life. Please provide yourself with loving words, loving actions and hold on.

Take great care of you.

1/11/2015 0 comment

Each little thing helps!

by Pretend Girl 1/6/2015

written by Pretend Girl

Thet is hard to imagine, in the thick of a depressive moment that emotions can lift and the depression can leave. After years and y,ears dealing with my depression, I find this is all too true! But we must remember, esp in the middle of an episode that it can change and it can lift!

This morning started out rough, last night’s depression continued to linger. I HAD to go to work, I wanted to go to work, but my heart was really back in the muck. So much so that when a lady asked me for a ride, I was mad. Oye. Not like me. […]

1/6/2015 1 comment

Protecting ourselves, especially when we’re in pain

by Pretend Girl 1/4/2015

written by Pretend Girl

I am feeling low. I called my crisis line THREE times before I got it out what was really bothering me. I finally admitted how I don’t want to be, that I was looking for the pills I knew would work. :((( but I could not find them. I stopped looking, good or bad…

The thing is, isn’t it crazy to be mad at the world and people around you but then, you take it out on yourself?? I mean, really, the reaction of wanting to hurt yourself because the world seems off kilter, that is crazy!

And yet, here I am, once again… 🙁 (Still, something […]

1/4/2015 4 comments

I am tired

by Pretend Girl 12/31/2014

written by Pretend Girl

I am so very tired of living. It scares me how much I am. I am sitting at my computer, not looking at anything because I just don’t care. I am alone. I am lost and no one even knows.

12/31/2014 4 comments