quaero

NOTES FROM UNDERGROUND

By Fyodor Dostoevsky

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It was not only that I could not become spiteful, I did not know how to become anything; neither spiteful nor kind, neither a rascal nor an honest man, neither a hero nor an insect. Now, I am living out my life in my corner, taunting myself with the spiteful and useless consolation that an intelligent man cannot become anything seriously, and it is only the fool who becomes anything.

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I want now to tell you, gentlemen, whether you care to hear it or not, why I could not even become an insect. […]

SORROWS OF YOUNG WERTHER

by Goethe

How often I lie down in my bed with a wish, and even a hope, that I may never awaken again.
And in the morning, when I open my eyes, I behold the sun once more, and am wretched. If I were whimsical, I might blame the weather, or an acquaintance, or some personal disappointment, for my discontented mind; and then this insupportable load of trouble would not rest entirely upon myself.
But, alas! I feel it too sadly. I am alone the cause of my own woe, am I not? Truly, my own bosom contains the […]

THUS SPOKE ZARATHUSTRA

THE MAGICIAN

1.
WHEN however Zarathustra had gone round a rock, then saw he on the same path, not far below him, a man who threw his limbs about like a maniac, and at last tumbled to the ground on his belly. “Halt!” said then Zarathustra to his heart, “he there must surely be the higher man, from him came that dreadful cry of distress, – I will see if I can help him.” When, however, he ran to the spot where the man lay on the ground, he found a trembling old man with fixed eyes; and in spite of all Zarathustra’s efforts to lift him […]

others others others. how much i’m obsessed with others. everything has turned upside down. the things that i used to despise in others have all now come in me…really, all of them. i used to despise lies & hypocrisy, and now i’m myself hell of a liar; i used to promote individualism, and now so many of my opinions are shaped by others; i used to despise their shallowness, and now who is more shallow than me. as Morpheus said when humans became slave of machines, ‘it seems fate is not without a sense of irony’. or maybe all these things were always within me, […]

So that happened again. i stumbled to it, or rather say it stumbled to me, again. have i got anything? have i learned anything this time? i have, as always, but what does it matter? this impenetrable web of life is still impenetrable. can i produce that state again? all i can do is think and will…all that it leaves behind is memories. and what does that matter…all that is part of this web. and part cannot rebel against whole. all it can do is “think” of rebelling, but it can never rebel…all it can do is “think” of getting out, but it can never […]

I sometimes do. life of a self-destructive man.

I don’t know how others manage to talk or act normally

Is it normal from CleverName and CyanidesOfMarch to take leaves like this?

I keep experimenting with this and that. most of them don’t last more than a day, but this one is working quite effectively. the trick is this:

i guess most of us, like me, feel disconnected with others, the outer world, the society. I thought of include one more person in it – myself. “I am not this” – this is the trick..to think like that. i am not these thoughts, these fears, this depression, i am not the person who is depressed. I am something else, something that’s watching that depressed person. this is not my permanent state of mind or permanent state of self.

and […]