Who the hell am I?

I know its a lie. why do i live it? at every moment of serenity i feel like now i have seen it and now i am gonna maintain it. but only end up in this same wretched state. I am full of confusion. I don’t believe in anything anymore. why? because i am aware of its opposite too…i am aware that opposite also exists and with same conviction. and since both exists, i believe in none. This life as i am living now, i never considered it my true state, my true nature. I always feel like i am living it “just out of necessity” since i have not reached to final conclusion yet, since i have not found the meaning of life yet (or atleast that’s what i say to myself). I can be all loving, all caring…just i need to convince myself of that, just i need to become certain – that’s how i assure my reasoning mind for my present condition! that’s most probably not true, but this much is true that i am living a lie, and i can never accept it as the real “me”.

There come moments when i feel like i have contemplated abyss, when all doubts clears, when mind becomes clear and full of serenity. I feel like I am free, free from bounds of mind, from looping network of thoughts, from envy and hatred towards others, from all that is lazy and filthy in me, and free from filth of others too. Earlier I used to think that this is my purpose, this is the state that I have to achieve. Now too sometimes such moments come. But i have grown tired of trying. when they occur i try to study them and compare them with my “normal” life and try to find “fault” in it. then, when its over, i try to correct that fault in my daily life (‘experiments’ as i wrote in previous post). but it never works. however much i correct its never enough. there is always a base force, a ‘spirit of gravity’ as Nietzsche calls it that pulls everything down again. i think its not within power of my will. infact now i am quite convinced that its not within power of any will, for it cannot be produced by will. acts of will are superficial, on the surface, whereas this thing is natural. I think life is multidimensional, it can’t be understood or won by limited box of thought or will. I am tired of this thing hope. much has happened yet it seems inexhaustible. it keeps me running and seeking whereas in actual all i am going is down and down. maybe much has not happened yet.

and I know that all i have written above is also hypocritic. i am re-reading it and i am saying to myself – ‘you liar! you can’t even rant truthfully. what was the need of including your stupid philosophy here when you don’t believe it yourself…why are you writing your small problems as if they are very big and taking your life away… with your lies you are ruining even a sacred place like this’. and I know hypocrites are despised more than even bad people. but what do i do? i have completely lost my true nature. and i don’t know if you understand but.. only lie can come out of a lie. every sentence i say, i know i don’t believe it truly, i don’t say it by  heart but by mind. its filled with hope and philosophy, but with a lack of heart, of certainty, its all just wasting away.

I often think that my problem isn’t even small compared to others’, and that i unnecessarily try to make it look big to myself so that i can justify to my mind that there is a reason for my downfall, and that there is a reason for my suffering, and that i am not becoming deadlike without a reason. Then other times i think all i am is afraid…afraid to dive. right now i am on the surface and i am afraid of questions like what if i never come out, what will be there. oh only if i could understand myself.

Bear it if you can. but it feels relieving after exposing out the most dirty thing of my life. (and its a lie too. i don’t feel relieved, i feel excited and frightened). i wanted to write something else but ended up writing something entirely different.

I don’t think i’m ever gonna publish it! but i know i will, because if i don’t do it here i won’t be able to do it anywhere. Everywhere I go (both in real life and internet), like on that high-profile facebook, I create an image of mine and then the rest of my time is spend on maintaining that image. why do i do it? idk. but i am not gonna do that here.

Also, I think i have exaggerated many things. most part of it is due to the fact that english is not my first language. things come out either too simply or too extremely…i can never write in normal way, as i do in my own language. and some part of it is due to what i may call ‘intoxicating joy of self-despising’. once the curtain is lifted, one start confessing even sins one hasn’t committed, as saint augustine did (i have only heard that).

Now i’m gonna close my eyes and hit the publish button! why am i so excited and frightened in sharing it with others? idk, but experiments like this always changes me. and that’s all i need – change.