“Wiping away these invisible tears that have been hiding behind this smile for all of these years everything that you’ve known about me has all been a lie cause the girl that you think is happy is wishing to die.” ~Â Ana Chable
ready2013
Statistics show that suicide rates are low during December through the holidays. Â I guess that makes us not so selfish…that we hold on so that our death doesn’t taint holidays in the future for those we leave behind. Â At least in my case, getting through these last few weeks is just getting harder and harder. Â I’m so ready to go, but am doing my “best” to linger until Christmas has passed. Â Unless they’ve felt like this, they probably will never understand how hard it has been to delay the inevitable…waking up everyday just wanting my life to end and praying for the strength to just […]
Someone shared this quote with me:
“You will find true happiness in life when you realize it only takes ‘you’ to be happy. Â True happiness lies within yourself, it doesn’t come from others.”
For me, I can’t be happy within myself. Â Maybe those of us who are suicidal and ready to end things feel the same way. Â I’ve had to rely on others for glimpses of feeling happy.
My last two friends keep telling me I need to learn to love myself. Â I hate when they say that you have to learn to love yourself before you can love others because I know how to give love…I just […]
I watched the movie “The Bridge” and there was one family that knew their son was going to commit suicide and seemed to have such acceptance that his internal battles were very strong and he would finally be at peace that way.
So that got me thinking…would it be better to warn the 2, possibly 3, people in my life that know about my problems and do care deeply about me that I just can’t continue living for them anymore? Â I feel like they would just try to stop me, but my psychologist actually educated me about the laws in our area and they can’t actually […]
He know’s what it means for me to disappear and doesn’t give a f***. Its OK though because I had made the decision before all this.
I decided not to pick a specific day any more. Â I have all the supplies I need and can go at anytime. Â I hate to go so close to Christmas, but I’m not sure I can make it that much longer either. Â Only time will tell…
 I have gotten so good at hiding the pain that people think I’m OK, even if I tell them I am not.  Only 1 friend understands and believes me, but in just a month of […]
Today was the day, but I found myself with a friend instead of going through with it for only one reason – I’m possibly(perhaps even probably) pregnant. Â Only time will tell, but he also suspects that I might be(but doesn’t know I suspect it too). Â So many signs are there, but I wonder if its just my body playing tricks on me.
I told one friend at the exact moment I had planned to exit, but she just kind of brushed it off. Â My “secrets” never seem significant to her anyways, but at least I know they will stay secret.
So now I’m back to taking […]
As the time approaches and friends post sappy facebook videos, I found myself frustrated that we can’t choose to die and have our organs donated. Â Suicide methods just don’t lend well to organ donation and the timing would be tricky. Â How lovely would it be to drift under anesthesia and never have to wake up again?
I would love to give my life to someone who is dying to live. Â I don’t want my life and my body could be used to save so many other people who actually want to live but may die waiting for transplants. Â I don’t feel my life is living anyways […]
Has anyone else put conditions on their life? Â I realized last year that it would be my last Christmas unless one thing changed in my life. Â As the date approached, I narrowed down that thing to specific things I needed to happen.
Maybe it is wrong of me to put conditions on living. I had a plan and should just stick to it. Why can’t I want to live without those things? Â Will those things really change my happiness. Does anyone else do this?
My family got a rude awakening last night – I chose to drink, which I never do. Â It let me express feelings I’ve […]
Why did i have to meet you? Â Why did I fall in love only to have my heart crushed? Â Was it just one more thing to confirm my decision? Â I guess that is what I have to believe…It would have been so much easier not knowing you, not believing I was loved, not feeling happy again before its over. Â But it was a facade. Â Now I lay here crying knowing I have given all my love and energy to someone who just took it for granted and can’t understand the significance of someone loving you unconditionally and giving you everything and leaving nothing for themselves. […]