I am officially back on the clock. The more I think about it, the more I realize that this is something I need and must do. I can no longer lie to myself that everything will work out and things can be normal again, that ship has sailed. Better that I go now than prolong the inevitable, it will be better for me and for theÂ few that may miss me.
I had originally planned to go the day before my birthday which is in a couple of weeks. However a certain event a week ago made me think that maybe I should wait and see if she would come back. I don’t think I can though, even if she would eventually return there is no way I can hold out the amount of time that it would take. Everyday is to hard, everyday is to painful, everyday I spiral further down into the abyss. So I feel today that I am back on the clock and there seems to be a sense of calm with […]
We met for dinner tonight, first time it was just me and her in over a month. I begged, prayed, hoped and feared all week leading up tonight that something would be revealed, good or bad, positive or negative, something from which I could either hang my hopes on or give them up completely. Nothing however was what I got, no hopes that she was coming back and nothing saying she was planning on leaving completely. So again tonight I will go to bed knowing that tomorrow and the next day and the one after that …I will be all alone.Â I am so tired […]
Made it to another day, which probably means I will make it through another day. Though if I don’t I can’t say I would be upset. Everyday just keeps getting harder than the one before, I am so ready to end the pain, well at least this pain since I don’t know what if any pain awaits me on the other side. I am to the point that the only thing that keeps me going is thinking of each day of pain as the penance I must pay for my sins, past, present and of course the big future one. I have to somehow today […]
I made it through the night, sort of. Been awake since 3am more depressed than ever. I had a doctors appointment this morning about an unrelated issue but wasn’t able to make it through without breaking down, it takes about 2 sec of being around me to know something is seriously wrong and when asked it makes me think about things and I just start crying. My glimmer of hope has made me delay my plans which is good i guess, but it has also made me aware that I will continue to be in pain for longer than I had planned. I am so […]
I thought today would be the day I would start to put things in motion. That today I would begin the countdown for when I would CTB. The plan was set, it was just a matter of gathering what I needed and setting a date and time, but life has gotten in the way. I received the most microscopic slivers of hope today and I am not sure what to do. Do I continue with what I have planned or do I delay and see if this .001% chance of redemption becomes more. I feel I owe it to myself to wait and see, but […]