This is something I’ll have to try and explain to my therapist. I figured I’d try to write it down first.
I suffer from delusional episodes. I don’t consider too many of my delusions “off the wall” or entirely “crazy” but never the less they exist only in my mind and it’s been proven to me on many occasions, but not before making outrageous claims, embarrassing myself and losing people I would have hoped to keep as friends..or more. This is why I say I suffer from delusions, because I drive away everyone who cares and the ones that stay get sucked into my pitiful […]
So ok, something happened tonight.. you might think it’s funny, you may not. I’m unbiased about it for the time being. But i guess..put yourself in this position.
Was just chatting with Internet companions for a few hours and one of them started flirting with me. This all happened with in the course of like 30 minutes…anyways. i chat with these people all the time.. I thought this was a girl, I myself being a guy. I guess I just didn’t notice before but I thought for sure I remember this friend being a girl. I post pictures of myself that people like to see, […]
I thought I was doing good by not saying that as often on public forums. It’s natural to blurt it out every 10 minutes though. Sometimes the feeling creeps up behind me and forces me to shutter my head neck and shoulders, then the words come out.
When I say I hate my life.. it means I hate where my life has come from, where it left me and where I know it will keep leading me. I don’t hate the world even though that comes out sometimes too. I don’t hate people even though there is so much evil out there. I feel I’m […]
I’m gonna try and make/keep a pledge this winter to not feel the cold loneliness of winter and the holidays. Of course I will feel lonely, but I want to try my best not to make excuses to why I’m so lonely, blaming it on the cold and the holidays. I don’t want to be desperate for some one else to be there. I don’t want to provoke sympathy from others by claiming “the winter’s are so lonely, they are the worst”
I want to make a pledge to be strong and endure, unshaken. I won’t let my mind be taken over by the cold […]
That’s gonna be my next tattoo the second I get paid next. “Life goes on”
I want the message to sink in, once and for all. It’s what I need in my life right now.
I strongly feel that this is only something a person has to figure out for themselves. You simply can’t convince some one that their life goes on..you can tell them but will they instantly believe? I don’t think so in many cases.
I wouldn’t ever tell someone life goes on, I can only support them if they feel it’s true or at least if they want to have faith that […]
….oh yeah..
I’m suddenly feeling a manic episode coming on. I’m at a crossroads with this feeling.. I don’t know whether to try and use it to feel better or keep low with the help of my sad music and bad habits. I just don’t want to crash again..it’s getting so old I just want to keep myself down and depressed as long as possible. But time goes by and I get nothing done in my life. I cant eat to the point of self harm. The problem with these manic feelings is that they always drop suddenly without warning, that or I become delusional […]
Sorry for all the posts today.. but i needed to write this down somewhere…
I’ve been having these slight and subtle flashbacks to who I was and how my character was before all this mess took over.. I can almost feel that person trying to lighten my spirits.. it has me in tears
Is it real? Or another hallucination.. I’m afraid to let it lead me. I don’t know if it’s the devil in disguise, waiting for me to let my guard down.
How did I even get to this… why did I ever come here? And when I’m not here, why am I this […]
After the dawn has come, and the moon no longer crest..the shadows on the walls still don’t seem to rest. Could be a day to forgive angels and saints..but the blood I’ve drawn is purely symbols for the pain.. and though it seems these ghosts should rest..they wait in the corner for me like a silence breaking breath.. take a single breath, followed by a three..double back to gasp for more, while choking down a fourth, and a fifth.. a day I won’t be fighting for..a day that won’t be missed..
Bring the morning sun, as to show I’m not too far.. far away from […]
On my way to hell…I passed a lonely church.. the congregation weakened by the warnings of the words.. scriptures toppling proverbs under a deceitful preacher’s curse.. what would they have to say, as they lay me into dirt… many places you can turn but where he goes is worse… don’t be this man you see inside, instead we close the box for good..lay it down to rest, pave it over as we should..
no need for leaving markers we seek to find one day.. if you listen hard enough, you can hear a dead man say.. heaven never had me, and claims of shallow graves.. […]
Spending all my time trying to find my feet and then I lost my legs. Look at me like where’s the happiness, but if only I can grow it like hair I’d be all in this. Don’t look at me like my woes reproduce like lice, standing over me like you’re Jesus Christ. Nail yourself to someone else who needs saving, or walk on water if you like, as long as you walk away.
Because I don’t need release from this..no need in letting go..the meaning in between the seams are splitting just to show you what I know. If I find it hard to sleep tonight, […]
You ever get tired of listening to advice that leaves you stranded on your own, doing battle against the pain in the darkness? Advice like “you gotta do it for yourself and not anyone else”
“no pain, no gain”
Even phrases like “have faith” can be conflicting, lonely and long if you are truly left on your own. Depending who you are of course.
People have been shoving that shit down my throat my whole life. “Don’t do it for anyone but yourself”
“You gotta live for you”
I don’t need to explain to some of you out there, that sometimes doing it on […]
I need to get help for my manic depression for once. Always been scared of seeing a doctor but yesterday I finally see its only a short time before I completely become useless. I’m running out of time. I’m a 32yr male.
Please, if you can.. tell me your experience with manic depression, what your doctor told you and treatment and your opinion on the whole experience. Please tell me as much as you can cause I’m so scared to be put away. It’s gotten so bad and starting to literally get out of control.
It has to stop or I’m gonna just kill […]
You can see me down in that place where I try so hard to wave..my arms burdened by gravity holding them to my face.. so heavy and so hot..believe me or not it’s my fate. The next step I take means too much to take and so I’ve stood still waiting for my will again.
Repair these broken hands.. what is there left to grip? Repair this broken man for the sake of broken lips. Come apart to let you in and hold me down to fix.
Put me back the way I was and I’ll just fall apart again. Reconstruct this broken heart […]
I don’t want to kill myself..I want to live my life and be happy. I’m trying so hard to hold it together but I’m fucking it all up. I have so much to live for it shouldn’t be this fucking hard to stand confident.
I finally met this beautiful girl that likes me and wants to spend time and she’s already catching on to my depression. I’ve shown enough good parts of myself to make her see I’m a great guy but I literally can’t control the way I feel when I’m all alone. I’m fucking this all up. No, No this can’t be me..it […]
It hurts so much.. I just want it to stop
I don’t really dwell over the fact my wife left me, even though it’s only been a few months since she left..in fact I’m so lost I can hardly recall any details to a single moment we shared together… I don’t miss her face or her smile..I don’t miss her comfort or the things she shared with me. I don’t even know why we were together, anymore.
I don’t see myself getting better, as I look back and realize it’s always been this way to one extreme or another, I can see I’m not meant to […]
I’m not the person I once was…I’m not the person I had hoped to be..
My mornings are filled with sadness and fear and tears.. every morning when I drive to work, I get the same choked feeling, only now it starts before I leave the house..
My life is empty.. it’s bitter and it’s hopeless.. I’m not the hero I’ve tried so hard to be, in fact now I’m even less than nothing..
I’ve closed off from people in my life.. when I would do anything for some attention then, now I just sit by myself and cry..
I cant eat.. I’m afraid to […]
To fail or succeed…
I’m dying to know….
Little Wing
“When I’m sad, she comes to me with a thousand smiles..she gets to live free. But it’s alright..cuz she said its alright..take anything you want from me.. Take anything!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=390ZsyCKhe4&sns=em
I haven’t been around here lately… I haven’t had much to say… Not sure what to say.
Life is complicated as fuck! Bad things seem to happen but my mind won’t hold on to them like they use to. Little things don’t seem to bother me. Good things are happening, but it also feels like a big void. It’s almost as if I had some big plans but suddenly I can’t remember what they were. And I feel the uncertainty of not knowing if I should care or not. I’ve been thinking about killing myself lately, but not out of sadness…almost as if my mind […]
I want to welcome you to your life. I’ve seen and filled it with my eyes, and it is pure. When you believe in something strong, you can be too sure. And if it’s safe to sleep at night…
I will walk you through your home and set your place. I’m still attracted by your smile, that rests upon your face. You don’t want to rest your lips.. So lets keep them speaking. I hear her speak to me..love
Oh she told me things I’ve set in stone, drove my heart steaks through the ground. I’ve up rooted..all I’ve known.
I know a world […]