I thought I was doing good by not saying that as often on public forums. It’s natural to blurt it out every 10 minutes though. Sometimes the feeling creeps up behind me and forces me to shutter my head neck and shoulders, then the words come out.
When I say I hate my life.. it means I hate where my life has come from, where it left me and where I know it will keep leading me. I don’t hate the world even though that comes out sometimes too. I don’t hate people even though there is so much evil out there. I feel I’m just another ambassador for evil people and their evil heartless ways. I’m just a tool…and there for I hate my life.
My spine disorder continues to get worse, and when I can’t relieve the pain…the words come out, and sometimes a good amount of tears as well. Every step I take up the stairs is another breath I need to take. Every 4 or 5 steps finds the words clarifying how I feel…I hate my life.
I hate that I can’t just give up and be free from this life. I hate that I continue to fall apart everyday. I hate that it hurts so much throughout my entire mind and body and my heart.
My life is not meaningless, it is very complex with simple desires that go unsatisfied. I am not hopeless or heartless. I don’t suffer from the delusion that life can’t get better, I know it can. I am not bitter to the things I can’t have in this life, I am bitter simply because I try so hard and never get anywhere..that I may never get anywhere no matter how hard I try. I feel humbled in my failure and I await my death with open arms. My life doesn’t “suck” yet I hate my life. I hate who I am and the things I’ve done to destroy myself and my life. I hate that there is a chance I can never be helped
I hate my life
4 comments
” I hate who I am and the things I’ve done to destroy myself and my life. I hate that there is a chance I can never be helped.”
I feel your pain…but you spoke the truth in this. Why is there a chance that you can never be helped? I don’t understand. You just have to ask the right person…and take yourself along for the adventure. Seriously…I highly recommend therapy for your mind. You will be amazed at how much of the physical pain disappears…and that which doesn’t will be much relieved. I am speaking from personal experience unfortunately. And before you tell me you are too far gone for therapy to be of any value….I am 53…have been in recovery for 3 years…and ended a cycle of suicide and suicidal ideation as well as depressive and anxiety disorders that began at birth. There is a lot more to the story…including the fact that I am an Aspie as well and so on…but I attempted suicide for the first time before I was 4…and the last time when I was 40.
My life took a great big huge turn for the worse almost 4 years ago…which brought me to this site. The beginning of my healing journey started with thoughts of attempting for the ninth time.
They tell me that I am a breakthrough…and that I am reasonably sane for the first time ever. Scary thought that eh? So I figure…if it isn’t too late for the likes of me…it isn’t too late for anyone. I did such a good job at passively trying to end my life and all the self-abuse…that I was given less than 6 months to live, in December 2000. You have no idea how that can change your life, when they tell you that you are going to die. Weird that eh? haha So if you truly want to live a better life…time to learn HOW to do that. Most of us have poor coping skills…mostly because our families were dysfunctional and didn’t have many to give us. Other’s created their own coping skills when they had to deal with trauma when they were too young to either understand or have any healthy coping skills. The cause matters not…the answer is still the same. Therapy and life skills for sure…the rest just seems to come together as you work to “change your mind”.
Sorry for the lecture…hahaha…an Aspie trait for sure.
Thank you for sharing and for the encouragement.
Yes, I’ve been afraid that I couldn’t get help, not be helped. I’ve been trying for over a month but today I finally got a hold of a therapist that will see me. That in itself is such a relief cuz I was starting to lose hope that I couldn’t even be seen by a therapist. Stupid insurance and the state causing delays. My first appointment is Wednesday. I’m nervous ..obviously. I’ve lived my whole life with manic depression and now in recent years PTSD. I’ve tried to kill myself a couple times when I was younger but all I want to do is be happy now. And I’ve never gotten help before, never wanted it till… I lost my wife, my job, my new girlfriends interest and I continue to fall farther every day. I wake up crying, i shake, i twitch I go on rants, i cant be satisfied ever, I suffer delusions and hallucinations during manic episodes. I scare people close to me. My thoughts move so fast I have to suppress them with alcohol and marijuana. I feel so much pressure every minute of every day. And worst is that mental illness runs in my family, and I just recently learned that the hard way. It gets deeper…
This is all so new to me and I’m scared. I don’t want to hate my life anymore… it’s been over 30 years of hating myself I just want it to stop
I could make a whole lot of guesses about how you got to this point…but I am glad you are here. Wanting help is the first step out of the hell of your own creation. Unfortunately I know this first hand. I spent many years in therapy…just wanting to remain right…lying through my teeth to avoid being incarcerated…skirting the issues…trying to make myself look better than I was. Who was I kidding? You know it. Me. And I was damn good at it too. One of the skills of being a survivor eh?
If I could offer you some advice it would be this. Go into therapy with an open mind. Tell the truth. Understand that a therapist is merely a tool, an ends to a means. You are the one doing the work…they are just a sounding board with some cool new ideas to try. They don’t all work and not all therapists are created equal…know what I mean? Avoid psycho-pharmaceuticals as much as possible if not altogether…they are not a cure and may keep you from doing the work you need to do to heal. Also…they will try to diagnose you with ADHD…it is merely a symptom of trauma…but if there is alcoholism in your family there is definitely a genetic pre-disposition for ADHD. Don’t take the drugs…unless they offer you medical marijuana for the PTSD. hahaha Now you know MY secret therapy. 😀 Now I’ve gone all Aspie again. hahaha
Seriously…I will try to save the therapy for your therapist. Good luck to you…and remember to tell the truth and keep an open mind. If the therapist needs more therapy than you do? Run like hell to the next therapist…but keep looking for the right one.
Sending lots of Love and Light to you on your healing journey. You deserve to be happy…you are the only one that needs convincing of that. Peace
Whatever you do, don’t adopt a cat.
The moment that you become a crazy cat lover you’re life is as good as done. Remain a dog person and you’ll stand a chance.
Good luck RT3.