I haven’t been around here lately… I haven’t had much to say… Not sure what to say.
Life is complicated as fuck! Bad things seem to happen but my mind won’t hold on to them like they use to. Little things don’t seem to bother me. Good things are happening, but it also feels like a big void. It’s almost as if I had some big plans but suddenly I can’t remember what they were. And I feel the uncertainty of not knowing if I should care or not. I’ve been thinking about killing myself lately, but not out of sadness…almost as if my mind is trying to find a quick opportunity while I’m feeling in between stable and unstable.. I don’t know what I’m saying
I’m trying to think of people in my life.. But I can’t think of many. I’m wondering if there will ever be new people in my life. I’m finding it hard to put effort towards wanting anyone at all. I don’t know where to start anymore. I hope that I will just drop into a situation I can distract myself with.
There are times when I can generate my own positive energy and then there are times like now where I can’t feel anything. I need someone to “feed” off of and validate some reason in myself. I crave attention and it seems like once I don’t get it my energy drops and my foundations falls out beneath me. I don’t understand why I can’t fix that, but I’m trying to. It’s something that needs to be fixed. I guess it’s harder for most.. I just find myself needing good things to consistently happen all the time, to stay up. I need people to talk to almost constantly.. I’m not even sure why.. I get feelings like I just want to be alone sometimes ..and don’t get me wrong, I appreciate alone time. But there’s never anyone there when I need them. I feel guilty for expecting anyone to be there, although I’d never blame anyone for not being there for me. It’s not anyone’s fault I feel this way. And that brings me right back around to wondering if ill be alone for the rest of my life..I mean alone without friends and family or a love of my own.
Then I try to snap myself out of that kind of talk. My physical appearance and my intelligence is fine, so I should not worry. If anything I should enjoy my alone time.. I’m not sure what to appreciate.. I just got a big raise in pay, but I guess cuz I’m still in a bit of debt it doesn’t feel like much at all. The things I do to try and maintain my own life responsibly don’t seem to add up to much. I can’t clean my house consistently enough or cook for myself. I waste money on food that goes bad cuz I simply don’t eat. I go hungry for no reason at all and I don’t know why.. Depression? Manic depression? Too much weed and alcohol and cigarettes..? I use to want to quit, now it’s just too hard to lie to myself anymore..I never wanted to quit because I hate life that much I’d rather do the wrong thing in the matter.
I don’t know who the fuck I am anymore.. I don’t know wether to love myself, hate myself or forget myself. I’m not sure if I can reach my goals but I don’t know what else to put my energy towards. Nothing will fulfill my needs and expectations, so it feels like all that’s been lost for so long now. …I don’t know who I am.. I don’t even know what I am anymore. I don’t know what this is.. Sadness.. Anger.. I just don’t know anymore
And I don’t know why after all this I.. I don’t know why “I don’t know why”
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I often feel like I am alone in how I feel and that I am different from everyone else. Your words conveyed everything I think and feel. I feel some comfort knowing I am not the only one searcing for a missing piece of a puzzle. I sincerely hope you find yours. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I don’t know what to call it, but i’ve spent a lot of time in that place.
I eventually concluded that i am not who those who think they know me IRL expect me to be… and that, due to external pressure, suggestive influence (both subliminal and overt), i have participated in facilitating their misinterpretation of my true identity/personality. And then i realized that i was not prepared, or even inclined, to begin the onerous endeavor of attempting to correct all the misunderstandings built up through all those years, so i just kinda stopped communicating with any of them… and very few of them have even bothered to reach out to me. It’s funny, in a depressing way. But i won’t claim to be entitled to their concern. If they are indeed concerned, it is for the well-being of a person they’ve never actually met, and only think they know.
The problem went from “who am i really?” to “who do they think i am?” and then to “…no one who thinks they know me, actually knows me… and they never really did.”
Of course, that’s only a small part of the whole… but with what you describe… i can certainly identify.
It might have something to do with a spontaneous reconfiguring of your values and principles, due to the realization that parts of your life and personality were actually built on something “false.” Maybe.
Though i will say this: it takes courage to admit, both to yourself and others, much of what you’ve expressed here. I think you’re not afraid to rework and reconfigure yourself to adapt to change as needed, but that you probably feel that you’ve poured extraordinary effort into self-modifications and adaptations that just never seem to pan out and result in accomplishing the goals that motivated or necessitated those changes. And after long enough of giving more than you get back in return, it starts to feel like a bad investment, and you start to become unwilling to keep making adjustments that aren’t bringing a healthy or sustainable return on your self-investment… and that cascades into all sorts of other things that i could go on and on about… but you have to find a way to get a handle on the situation and direct your efforts exclusively toward what will actually bring you fulfillment, which is something only you can figure out. And i’m definitely not saying it’s easy. I spend a lot of time struggling with what i feel are similar issues to what you’ve expressed. I’m a bit lost myself lately, and not quite sure how to even begin to go about helping myself. I just know i need to figure it out, because no one else is capable of doing that for me. Though i suppose it’s possible that external input could help me figure out what i need to figure out for myself.