renegadeRaenbow

I bought another rat today so Percy could have a friend. My boyfriend and I have named him Nanners and he’s got a little nick in his ear. I wish I could have friends but like my rats, I’d have to buy those, too. Why is it that some people only use and keep using until they’ve exhausted all their resources and trust and loyalty? Why is it that I’m a good friend and put up with the shit my ‘friends’ put me through? Why can’t I be one of my beloved rats? At least then I wouldn’t have to worry about people using me.

I’m […]

William, I miss you dearly, and although I can still feel your presence lingering, I feel the emptiness that I’ve caused. We promised to meet in the afterlife and that my heart was yours. A piece of it still is, if you’re still willing to take it. I will always love you.

I remember that night we first met. You were with Darius and Garret and TJ. Jessica might have been there too. Just writing all of their names brings back the memories of us at the park. Remember that time you stole my cape? Or how we slid down the slide at the playground together? […]

I sit before you, skin white and flesh exposed.
Little pink ruts line my arms and my legs.
How long would it take you to notice
Had I not taken the time to show you?

Maybe this is the solace I need.
Knowing that I may never reveal
Myself to you this way again
So that I may indulge in the infliction.

I am starting to get cold
And feel as though I’m withering away
Into abysmal darkness
Where the happiness cannot reach me.

I’m naked and afraid of the pain I bring
Upon my milky body that aches for you.
I just want your touch and I […]

I don’t think I want to die anymore…

But if I could just have the chance to die and come back… Just to see what it was like… Maybe I wouldn’t hurt myself anymore. To kill myself without dying; to just go unconscious and wake up in that hospital bed. To see how many people actually give a fuck. That is what I’m asking for. To see if maybe my own father would be standing there without his girlfriend, without his second family, without the disappointment that I see every time I look at you. Sometimes I hate you; sometimes I feel you […]

Thought this was pretty nice sounding. I ended up in a cool part of Youtube tonight.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJw8yyim5QI

Today I smiled, but all was
swept away as I thought of you.
Today was a hard day and yet
you never bothered to talk.
I could never say
I didn’t know my father’s love,
But that was a time
Before I could remember.
Sometimes when I’m lost
I’ll think back to a time
When neither of you cared.
And it brings a smile to my face
As I cut myself again.

My scars are hidden
And disease-ridden
With the guilt of not knowing why.
Why am I here?
Is it from doubt or from fear?
Why do I want to die?
Sometimes the pain is too much
And I have to cut
Away the pain and the strife.
Yet the sun cannot touch
The pink little ruts
That I have carved into my life.

To be continued.

I don’t want you to think I’m some sort of whore, my love. I want to feel the intimacy with you and share with you a physical bond that only lovers truly know. I want to know that you’d see the cuts before they scarred. Not this distance.
I could do it more and more. And you wouldn’t even know it. I want the adrenaline of being caught. Of having someone see them without me showing. I want to know that you actually love me still, that you’re attracted to me still, that maybe there is a reason for me to still be here.
The […]

What’s the point in having a voice when it’s never going to be heard?
What’s the point in even trying when all your efforts are just going to be shot down?
What’s the point of having friends when they only use you up and toss you aside?
I’m done. I’m just so done with this whole fucking place. I’m fading into a figment into the shadows, walking silently, alone.
No one really ever gives a shit about you, do they. So why keep on living for them? Why keep on living when there’s no point?
I hate this feeling so much. I hate myself and […]

I finally had found friendship with you and it was ripped from us.  I was finally able to confide in someone and it was taken away from me.
I’m sorry I can’t be there for you now.
I know you’re living in that hell.
I hope you find your way out.
I’m so sorry, Zeiro…
Forgive me.