Since I last hurt myself. I’ve been forcing myself to try and stay strong and not do it again. I almost did yesterday, but I willed myself through it.
I had a spiritual experience the other day that… Well it scared me. What I saw. I am a Pagan who has fallen out of practice but am trying to pick myself up again through it. I’ve gone through these types of experiences before, but this one in particular really opened my eyes. At the local New Age shop, they have a cot in the back with a selenite grid underneath it with a bunch of other stones to help cleanse and recharge someone (you may not be in to that, but if you were to try it, you never know. Something might just happen).
So I’m laying on this table with the grid underneath me. My breathing begins to slow down and I can only assume I’m in a meditative state. Suddenly, my body just feels like it’s beginning to melt like wax and drip off the sides of the table, slowly. That’s not was freaked me out. That’s normal. In my mind’s eye, it was all black. I see a figure, all black as well, hunched over and crawling with gnarled fingers (just think of if Gollum and a witch from Left4Dead had a child) and it had beady white eyes. I’m chasing after it, trying to grab hold of it. It just runs from me and dodges my every attempt. A spotlight then appears and the figure runs into it, looking at me. It then rips it’s eyes out, looks up, and the eyes grow back. It begins molding the white eyes like clay and she’s working faster and faster. A spotlight appears from the ground up next to her. She’s molding and molding still.
My body is done melting and I am pulled out of the trance. I touch my face. I had been crying. I get off the table and grid and leave.
That night I asked the Lord and Lady to help me see what it was.
It was my depression. My depression is forming who I am today, the white, the happiness. Out of the pain and grief, I will have come out as a new person… It’s just going to take some time.