Accident

I thought I would be okay, but in three day’s time, I had another accident.
A few days ago, I slit my wrist up. Never deep enough to kill, but just enough sting to get the point across. I padded it up and wrapped an ace bandage around it, claiming I just sprained it. No one at work questioned it, my boyfriend didn’t say anything outright about it. It’s hard to keep things from him though. So I told him. He grabbed my wrist and took a glance. He said my name, which sounded so… Off. It doesn’t feel right when he says it. It hasn’t for a while. I digress.
So we found ourselves sitting on the balcony of our apartment, my razors in hand; one slightly rusted razor blade that I had stolen from work (I wonder if they ever noticed I was stealing the blades?) and one from a child’s pencil sharpener. I tossed them into the grass below us.
Well so much for that.
I found another blade.
Today we were supposed to go to his grandparents’ for his grandma’s birthday. It started at 3:30 and I was still at work at 3:20. So I text him, telling him he could go ahead and leave, hoping that he’d say no. That he’d stay with me and we could go together. He says “Okay, meet you there” and leaves. I pass him on my way home.
So there I found myself alone (which is never good). I found myself alone with the razor.
And it happened.
I don’t think I’ll ever get better…
This time he won’t find out because they’re on my legs and I’m keeping my mouth shut. I have to suffer in silence. He won’t notice them unless we get intimate (and that’s never, which has a huge impact on my self-esteem and why I hurt myself. Silly I know, but it happens nonetheless.).
I don’t know what to do anymore…
And I’m scared it’s just going to get worse.