Author

Resentment

Tinnitus

by Resentment 5/4/2023

written by Resentment

People keep hurting me.

Like I don’t even care to get into allllll the ways people do this but they hurt me. They bump into me with their obese bodies that subluxated my shoulder and reinjure them as I work. I get rushed by people who don’t look where they’re going, causing a meniscus injury. Mostly recovered from that.

And now I have tennitus. Baby at the mall screamed so loud I knew it messed up my ear. Full disclosure, I had been managing urethritis for years and sometimes splay my legs a bit or lean forward where I’m feeling irritation.
There was only this mother in […]

5/4/2023 0 comment

“Do What Makes You Happy”

by Resentment 9/19/2019

written by Resentment

Everything I try doesn’t give me any meaningful happiness.

A friend gave me a wrist band that said “do what makes you happy.”

All I want to do is die.

9/19/2019 5 comments

How could I ever be doubtful?

by Resentment 8/13/2019

written by Resentment

I watched some clip someone posted about a person who jumped off the Golden Gate bridge and lived to regret it.
I’m unmoved.
When I’ve made my mind up about something, it’s very hard to change it, because I spend a very long time thinking about something before making a determination.

I don’t want to be alive.
There are some things that do not change.
I can hope, but I don’t see the pain letting up.
Another thing, I hate to hear of this assumption that people who want to die hate themselves.
I’ve never hated myself.
I reached a point where I hated what people […]

8/13/2019 3 comments

Isolation

by Resentment 3/7/2018

written by Resentment

My friendship is going to shit along with my energy, mentality and grades. I got an A- and B+ last semester. Now my family has done away with another friend.
I f*cking can’t stand how much I loathe them for finding new ways to make me unstable. Kicking me out after my parents divorce and backing it up with lies. My sister slept with my friend and lied about it, they start a relationship and after she broke up with him, he wouldn’t come over so we started drifting. Still friends, but more distant. Same time, my step sister hooks up with my best friend […]

3/7/2018 5 comments

I remember who I was before that person died

by Resentment 12/16/2017

written by Resentment

I remember keeping abuse quiet.
I remember it showing its head anyway, and who turned a blind eye.
I remember when I died.
I remember realizing my family did not care what happened to me, again and again.
I remember when choice was taken away from me, again and again.
I remember when I denied survival sex.
I remember when my body didn’t physically feel like a fire.
I remember when I could look at someone and not see another world of possibility falling apart.
I remember being at places that did not feel like fire.
I remember feeling like there was a point to […]

12/16/2017 1 comment

Balloon Time

by Resentment 9/11/2017

written by Resentment

Having the tank handy has given me the peace of mind to get me through the past year.
Recently decided to do more research and found out it’s “no less than 80% helium” as they’re trying to conserve.

I’m not in such agony that I will do anything. I just want the security to know I have an exit for when things get bad.
I really favored this method, but now I’m more uncertain.

9/11/2017 6 comments

Swept under the rug

by Resentment 4/17/2016

written by Resentment

Hi. I’m the rug.

I’m in pretty significant pain today, but something new, my family is also screwing me out of what little money I manage to save up.

I lent my sister 1k a while back.
Rather than paying me, she paid my mom, and told me I could get it back from her- which we all know isn’t true.
My mom has bought an in-ground pool during a semester where she screwed me out of paying a third of my college semester, and now she has taken out a second mortgage on the house.

She threatened to kick me out again over something as silly as […]

4/17/2016 10 comments

I backed out

by Resentment 3/27/2016

written by Resentment

I kept telling myself I would do it.
First I smoked some bud. Then I grabbed my backpack, drove to a parking lot along the river.
I crossed the railroad tracks, and tied the backpack straps around my waist as I made my way to the water.
I was still wearing nice shoes, but I figured it wouldn’t make any difference, so I waded in the water.

I had every intention of doing this. I stood there, having blocked any thought of turning around. I took another step forward, feeling my leg sink into the soot deeper than I thought. My heart raced.
I was able […]

3/27/2016 8 comments

Almost Trapped

by Resentment 3/13/2016

written by Resentment

Physically trapped, I mean. In many ways I still feel trapped, but I digress.

I took time out of work for my urethritis pain. I couldn’t take it anymore, and I told my higher up everything, from chlamydia back in the start of 2014, to now just having this pain. She was very understanding, and suggested I go to Doctors Express. I did.

From there, I again told this doctor everything, but perhaps unsurprisingly she wasnt being all that helpful. Id pee in a cup again, I’d hear Im all clear, I know the drill. I began feeling frusterated, disparaging my eurologists office, and how it’s so […]

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3/13/2016 2 comments

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Reparations

by Resentment 3/8/2016

written by Resentment

I didnt recieve any hope from these doctor visits, though I know have Cymbalta, so there’s that.

I’ve decided on a way to go. I know I’m not allowed to share. What I’m stuck on is the note, or if I need one. I’ll think on it on my way to work, or in the waiting room, and it eats at me like another inevitable arguement- but of course, this time there wouldnt be.
So why leave a note? They should know of what plagues me if they listened, and if they haven’t, fine. What of the other reparations.

Can I just have everything monetized, perhaps give […]

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3/8/2016 1 comment

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My Story: Part 2

by Resentment 3/6/2016

written by Resentment

This starts from where I left off, I will try to be brief. I especially don’t like to dwell on this, though I often don’t have much of a choice.

I got chlamydia from a guy. I tried to be safe, but I won’t go into those details.
I suffer from urethritis, which isn’t contagious. It just means I still experience irritation daily, but not all the time.
I don’t know how much of this is his fault. I didn’t hear this from him, but I was told by his ex that he was sexually abused as a child. Then he got kicked out during the […]

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3/6/2016 2 comments

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My Story: Part 1

by Resentment 2/21/2016

written by Resentment

Hey.

I can’t tell the difference between what is ‘reasonable’ and ‘depressed’ most of the time. Has anyone ever read a journal entry years ago? How does it make you feel? When I was a teenager, I would look back a year or so and feel positively embarrassed.
If I look now, I feel something else. I don’t feel so many years prouder. I feel sadness, and resentment. I didn’t make it out.
Ah, typing this, I’m afraid I don’t sound much different at all.

Alright. Let’s get this out before I waste any more of your time. I’m a gay guy. If this upsets you, scroll […]

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2/21/2016 7 comments

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Hey. New here

by Resentment 2/18/2016

written by Resentment

I like the idea behind this site, but I’m trying to keep my expectations low before I spill my guts.
Can anyone see my email address? I rarely use it, but I noticed I had to supply an email for here and Gravatar in order to get my avatar.
I’m also curious about how big and how active this community is.
I look forward to getting to know some of you, and maybe posting more about myself in the future.

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2/18/2016 22 comments

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