shatterediris

I just ruined it, I hate me, I hate me, and I hate me….

I ruined it then decided to try to save it by sharing things about myself with them that I didn’t want to…. Now I’m fucked, I have to distance myself from them now.

Good job moron, you burnt that bridge.

I also ruined my no cutting streak, couldn’t even make it to a year. Not even a fucking year, almost would have been there in August but not now, no now it’s whatever month this is, May I think…. Yeah it’s May, mother’s day even…. I just ruined it, and my friend was so […]

I suck and should quit.

And I’m feeling lonelier than ever.

I’ve told them that I was done with it, and I should be. I ruin everybody else’s fun, but I’m also really sad about this as I know it’ll lead to spending less time with people as our common interest is now gone.

Am I just being selfish by not wanting to give this up? I know it’s better for the other people to be without me.

Although at this point I don’t have a choice I have already said that this was happening, so now it has to happen.

I’ve pushed them away….

Why do I keep doing this?

I think I’ve finally been able to push them away.

I deserve this.

I wish I knew more words, except I’m too much of a lazy fuck to do anything about that.

I could just start skimming dictionaries, or thesauruses, or even just reading a lot more books in general…. But again I am a lazy fuck.

I just kind of wanted to post something I guess, I almost cut again today, but happily I didn’t. (I almost did a bunch of other very stupid things to hurt myself too)

It would be nice.

I need to really start fixing this problem…. I think I’ve figured out a way, I’ll I’ll just do 1-2 hours daily until it’s clean…. but only on days where I has no plans. Wait no that’s not good because I’ll use that as an excuse not to do anything. I want to die.

I’m going to start punishing myself each day that I don’t do any cleaning though, no food on those days, I’ll find a heavier punishment if that one doesn’t work.

There’s mice and they’re probably making me sick, and I’m always sick, and everything is a mess and it’s horrible

I wish I was […]

things are not right, and I know it

The trucks are seeming a lot more appealing as of late when I drive…. I could just swerve into one and I could be fatally wounded, or at least horribly injured maybe life altering injury…. Either way is progress, but I’m a coward, just have to wait to see how much longer I can resist this urge, I’ve never had this impulsive of a feeling before but it started about a month ago…. I did come closer than planned a bit ago when I found myself wondering about it and well kind of stopped paying attention to doing the entire driving thing, I probably shouldn’t […]

I can’t even identify why either…. I just feel worse than ever lately, I can’t even write or do anything that I used to even like.

I find myself wondering if I should drink or start experimenting with drugs or anything. It might help, what I’m doing now won’t work…. And I’m lazy so I can’t ever do anything productive.

I’ve been sleeping a lot and crying a lot. My dreams have been horrid too, I wish I could gain the mental fortitude to just swallow my razor whenever I chew on it…. Or maybe if I’m lucky it’ll just accidentally happen…. But I know that’ll never […]

That I was smart enough to buy a package of razors when I did christmas shopping…. Now I’m trapped in my home and did have to miss a family thing and and now I can’t see a person who I don’t get to see much. They are rather disappointed too, but I’m trapped in this house now without the ability to go anywhere. It’s bad that I had a really great dream earlier today where I drove down to the store and bought food. at least I have these, they can make the days pass easier I guess.

I guess happiness costs only 67 cents.

I hate them…. I have gift things to still wrap, and of course I’m not prepared…. I have only a few hours….

at least I has some things to distract me and make me feel better…. I did actually do a thingy a bit ago, it was kind of hard but fun…. I was shaking so hard that day for a bit. Maybe I should go out more? -_- I need to write more, I need to do more things, well anything something at least one something.

I’m sorry I’m just losing my mind not even slowly.

I hope everybody else is doing better.

Fuck Christmas.

One day, you’re going to be a failure.

One day, You’re going to be a failure.

One Day, You’re going to be a failure.

One day, you’re going to be a Failure.

I am not sure why you keep saying that, I have always been a failure.

I don’t know, I’m lonely, I’m hungry, I’m too close to people, and I don’t feel like eating. I want to spend more money on fast food to make me feel better but I didn’t even eat all of the last wasted money. I don’t exactly make enough for this but I have a nice hoard as of now, I’ve removed most of it from reach. I can’t anymore I just can’t I hate me and I must express it. I don’t work nor do I even go to school, nor do I do anything of value to anybody of value.

am I a rock that had threatened to fall from a shelf that somebody decided to solve by placing me back on the ground? -_-

Welp today I looked into ways that I could make money.

Nothing looks that promising…. Everything will be effort like more than working a regular job would be. But I can’t work a regular job because I know I won’t ever manage to actually work part time and I could not handle full time work it just made me unable to do anything else, everyday I would get home and then worry about not being able to wake up on time to go to work the next day, which led to the week being me being up all night crying then going into work for 9 […]

I have no idea what to do with myself…. I feel horrible.

I kind of wish I was dead.

I thought I had things decently together but I don’t. I may start cutting into my face again. That was horrible but it gives me something else to worry about.

Well the hand hurts a lot less now, it’s probably not broken happily.

I do worry that I ruined a thing though, and has spent increasingly less time with people now.

Maybe I shouldn’t have allowed myself to slip away from the whole work thing though, seems I would have drifted away from people anyway…. Life sucks.