Theres a lot of shit in my head right now, I cant get it out. I cant stop thinking about it. But I know I’m too weak to act on anything. Weak. But yet I want to so bad. I’m trying to hold on. I wouldn’t want to ruin the holidays for my family by dying now. I guess that’s just me procrastinating on it. Because I’m weak. But I cant stop thinking about the last moments and finally fading away, never having to deal with this world or myself again. And stop being so burdensome. I’ve been in pain all day and it hasnt […]
today’s been horrible. I’ve been trying to be okay but it’s not exactly working. I managed to get my contacts in, mainly out of fear of pissing my dad off, but it made them hurt a lot. they felt like they were on fire. the school nurse was really nice about it though. I talked to the counselor today too. I’m a fucking inconvenience. I hate it. I feel like all I do is get in the way, adding another issue. I’m just another issue. I don’t know why I’m here anymore. I’m holding on for her, that’s it. she always tells me I’m not […]
I’m not sure what to do, but I’m trying at least. I genuinely am. I know in the end I’m an ungrateful asshole because of how I feel and how I am, despite what I have. I heard my mom and stepdad talking about how good of kids we all are, and I felt shitty because I’m not as good as they believe me to be, I’m not even sure how they came to that really. I do try to be as good as I can… I don’t always do very good, but sometimes I do. I’m trying to improve and stop being this stupid […]
I wish I was a good as she thinks I am. I worried about them and stressed out about everything. I’m hungry but I can’t let myself eat. I’d probably just puke it back up anyway. Shes the only reason I’m alive rn. Theres stuff going on in their life that makes me worry about them in turn. They’re already asleep, and I’m not gonna bother them. I’m overwhelmed with a lot right now. It’d be so much easier to just sink into this bed never to come out again, but it isnt like that. Life isnt fair, but it’s something I gotta get over […]
I’m terrified that all I truly do is ruin peoples lives. Like their mood, outlook, future, whatever. Just anything. I’m really worried about her too (she uses any pronouns now) and I’m scared that I’ve been in too shitty of a mood and even if I try to keep it light she gets worried and I’m scared that I make them sad… I guess that I could be overthinking it, but it’s not like I could ask because 1. they would deny it and 2. it could possibly make them feel worse by making her feel like the scum of the earth. Nope- that’s just […]
I cant keep doing this every day. Every day without fail. I’m very on edge today and I dont know if I can trust myself or not.
I’m bitter and feeling so horrible inside and yet nothing comes out. I like to imagine my head exploding. Like theres this huge fuse or something inside.
I cant deal with the constant anxiety/depression/hating myself to no end even if it is deserved. People piss me off so much, nobody can just shut up.
How long do I have to wait for it to “get better”? How much more do I have to do? It shouldn’t be that fucking hard.
Whatever. I’m […]
idk why I’m here. I’m too exhausted to even try right now, but I think I have what I need to do it. I wish I could tell them how I feel right now… but idk what’s up atm, they’re probably busy with a mix of things. and I’d just be bothering them anyway… adding to the toxic piece of trash I am. I’m emotionally exhausted. I’ve had a really horrible fucking week, and I dont expect this one to be any better. I should’ve done it on the day I cried like 3 times. before then, even.
the only thing I had to look forward […]
If it weren’t for the fact that we’re in town, at my dad’s, I think I would end it. Right now. But there’s nothing here. Maybe I could find a way. I don’t know. I have what I need at home. I could do it there.
This horrible fucking feeling.
It’s my own fault.
I am the weed in the beautiful flower garden.
Nobody to talk to. It feels like I’m suffocating. Even more so that I have to hold my breath because I’m crying. This hurts so fucking much. I feel like I’m being consumed. By these horrible feelings. The stupid thoughts that won’t go away. Realizing how […]
I want to sink into this bed and fade away from existence. It’s a comfortable thought. I’m weak and tired, and in the long run I truly think it would be better. Soon I will have to really become an adult and prepare for the future. It terrifies me. College sounds scary. Work. Just life in general. I feel like I already failed because I’m not on the same level as everyone else in my class yet.
I’m so tired. I already feel like dying. Hope is snuffed out every minute. It’s hopeless. I’m worthless. I wish I was something my parents could be proud of, […]
I can’t believe such a horrible person as me could be allowed to live. I’m awful. I ruin everything I touch. I hurt everyone I love. I don’t deserve to live. I’m a toxic asshole who doesn’t deserve to be forgiven or loved or anything. I always had a vague idea of how horrible I am, but this just hit me so hard. I don’t deserve friends. I don’t deserve love. I definitely don’t deserve forgiveness. I hate this I just want to die. I deserve to die. I’m the problem. I’m always the problem
I guess I should say things are sort of better now, in some ways. I heard from my partner again, so much has happened with them, I’m just so glad he’s okay, that he’s alive. I feel really guilty for a few things, but he ofc said it wasn’t my fault. They talk to me every day, check on me, tell me they love me, and they think I’m a good person. I haven’t heard anything of the sort for so long. Close to 2 years, I guess. I feel more okay with living now. I don’t think I’m worth it still, but I guess […]
To live, to suffer, to pray for it all to end.
To live some pathetic lie, that everythings fine. When in the end you will die. Everyone will die.
To endure, only to break. A neverending hurt, with everything, and nothing at stake.
There is only one escape now. To leave, never come back. Leave this hell called the world, fading into black.
To end, just to end it all.
-sorry, ik this sucks lol. I’ll blame my sleep deprivation rather than my shitty writing skills. I’m not okay.
This pain is so bad it hurts me even physically. Let me die now, I cant handle anymore. I’m too weak, too horrible, too selfish because I cant make it go away. I’m not worth loving no matter how much I want it. I’m part of the rot of the world that fucks up everything. I deserve to die a long and painful death. I think they know. I think they’re ashamed to even look at me. I try so hard. I fuck up everything. Theres no point. The world would be a little better if I were gone. It hurts. Please kill me.
Not dead yet. Which is uhm, cool, I guess…
I’ve finally found a method, shitty though it may be in some ways, I could still make it work. It’s progress I guess, I never really knew how exactly I’d go out, which made me start questioning if I’m really as bad mentally as I think, or if I’m just “magnifying” it as they say, basically being dramatic. I don’t know. I haven’t said anything to anyone for a while now. Nobody around me knows anything. I’m doing it like that so I don’t just become a drag for them for months or a year or however […]
Hi. I’m not sure how much longer I’m gonna be here. I feel like I cant even breathe anymore. The noise won’t stop, both around me and in my head. I feel like *insert method here* so fucking bad right now. Though I don’t know why that way specifically. Never thought I’d go that way. But I might. I can’t handle this anymore. They don’t listen and they don’t care. I don’t see any point in being alive right now. This is so repetitive. They all probably find me obnoxious. I don’t even know what to say. I’ve been trying to look for methods for […]
If I were dead, my dad would actually have to step up and take care of his kids, instead of making his parents, and in turn me, do so. I bet he doesn’t even think about it. I wonder if he thinks about us at all when he’s gone. Or cares. I feel like a nuisance every time I talk to him. I can’t talk to him about anything – like with mental or social issues. He doesn’t care. He said it wasn’t real and I was being selfish. That was years ago.
It’s been a shitty few days. I’ve already started procrastinating on my schoolwork […]
Soon the time will come, where I will say goodbye.
Formulate my last words, try not to make them cry.
Soon I will fade away, while the rest move on.
An interesting phenomenon.
Soon the night will come, and in the night I’ll die.
They may, or may not cry.
I’ll take my one last breath.
I’ll kiss the face of death.
And say goodbye forever.
Soon.
I can’t- I just cant do it anymore.
I’m going to kill myself. I dont even care. This shit never fucking ends. No one around me gives a shit.
The people who know don’t even take it seriously. They dont care. I understand that their shit is worse and that I’m just a piece of shit who can’t handle anything. I bet all they think I do is b!tch and b!tch and b!tch and b!tch even when I never talk about it anymore.
It doesnt matter anymore because I dont care. I’m sure in some way or another I’m a selfish asshole who’s ungrateful and just a stupid […]
Day 3 of being either constantly anxious leading to me being sick or depressed. Slightly paranoid probably. At least I don’t have to do anything today I guess. I’ve been worrying about everything. I’m eating less and less. And then I want to die for eating. I feel gross. Anyways. I missed my 4th day of school for an eye appointment, only to hear what I expected. Which isnt horrible I guess but it’s a long drive to talk to a doctor for 20 minutes max. I cant very well drive yet because of eye issues which is why I’m going haha. My grandparents took […]
It sounds strange I guess, but I want to cry. But I can’t. Don’t know why. I feel like sh¡t and I feel like its eating me alive inside. I cant take this. I don’t even think I can eat, which should be fine. I wish I could’ve stayed home today. I don’t ever want to get out of bed again.
I can’t find anything to live for. Or anyone. I’m so lonely. I can’t talk to anyone. I don’t want to bother anyone, but I don’t like this either.
I know I’m being stupid. There’s nowhere for me to go right now. So I’m just rambling […]